Page 70 of Soros
“I don’t want to make this a competition, but I’m absolutely crazy about you,” she whispered. “And I won’t stop fighting no matter what the Cultural Committee says. I want to have a life with you.”
Never in my life had I met anyone willing to commit to me the way Tania did, and it made me feel deeply grateful. Holding her close, I whispered in her ear. “You don’t know how much I love you.”
“If you merely love me a fraction of how much I love you, it will be enough,” she whispered softly.
Standing with her in my arms, I thought back to the first time Tania had told me she loved me and how it had confused me.
4 Years Earlier
Tania repeated herself, “Did you hear me? I’m saying that I love you. Why are you so quiet? Say something, Soros.”
Unsure how to respond, I looked around the park we were in as if searching for instructions on how to deal with the situation. I had no experience with love and partnership. All Tania’s questions about a potential future together seemed strange because never had I considered it a possibility for two people to stay interested in each other for an entire lifetime. In my culture, we came together for physical intimacy and short-lived companionship. It seemed unrealistic to have two people stay together for prolonged periods of time. Why would we when there were so many interesting people to meet and explore? Tania didn’t know all my flaws, but I could guarantee that she would get tired of me quickly. She had already told me in a loving way that I talked a lot and that my need for physical touch was extreme. I cherished every day with her thinking that it would be my last. To have her say that she loved me wasn’t the issue, because I knew love. I loved my family and friends, but my feelings for her were so different and yet, I couldn’t put into words what I felt for her.
“Don’t you love me?” she asked. The expression of vulnerability on her face and in her tone made me sad.
“It’s not that. I just don’t…”
“You don’t want us to be together?” A couple with a stroller passed us and it made me wait for a long second before I answered Tania.
“Wearetogether.”
“Only until you leave Earth. Then what?” Biting her lower lip, she frowned. “Are we never going to see each other again?”
“Of course we are.” My pulse sped up just thinking about never seeing her again, but logistically, I didn’t know how to make that happen. Earth wasn’t a destination I could just get to because I wanted to visit. It required special permits and there were no commercial flights between our planets. If I was honest, it was a possibility that we wouldn’t reconnect, but I didn’t want to think about not seeing her again.
Tania leaned forward. With her elbows on her knees, she hid her face in her hands.
“Talk to me,” I said and touched her shoulder.
The sigh that came from her sounded painful. “We may not have labeled our relationship, but my heart and soul have been dedicated to you for the past six months. I’m starting to think I should have been more careful. You’re never going to love me the way I love you.”
I instantly protested, “How do you measure something like that? I love you, Tania. That’s not the question.”
“You don’t love me the right way.”
“What is the right way?”
Giving a deep sigh, she straightened up and sat for a moment thinking about my question. “There’s platonic love, which is what you experience with your parents, children, siblings, and friends. But the kind of love I feel for you is different, Soros. I’m looking for the kind of love that is symbiotic in nature. I want us to be equals in our desire to help, shield, and support each other. You know, like being on a team where you have different areas that you’re competent at. You build a shared future with that person and share victories and sorrows. The love you feel for your partner is different from any other type of love in your life. It’s all-consuming physically, mentally, and spiritually.” She talked with her hands moving to emphasize her words. “When I say I love you, it’s not in the same way as I love my mom or my friends. I want you in the way that I want to commit myself to building a future. I know it’s difficult with us being from different cultures and…. well, planets, but I can’t look at you without knowing deep in my heart that you’remyperson.”
Overwhelmed with her definition of a type of relationship that I had never seen or heard of before, I sat on the bench staring at the grass in front of me. “I don’t know what to say. I’ve never been in a relationship like the one you just described. Nor did I ever imagine living with one woman for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m the right person for you to form a team with, Tania. You need someone more aligned with your dreams and desires.”
“But you’re so good at giving me everything I need,” Tania pleaded. “We laugh together, the sex is amazing, and we talk for hours. I can’t imagine ever feeling the way I feel about you with someone else. And…” Breathing deeply, she sighed again. “I’ve never met anyone as in tune with me as you. We’ve talked about how you often know my mood and read my thoughts.”
Leaning in, I planted a kiss on her forehead and wished that things were less complicated between us.
Fedaros
That day in the park four years ago, I hadn’t yet realized what Tania knew instinctively. How could I when I had no reference or experience with love in the way Tania described it? It wasn’t until I left Earth and suddenly lost her that I understood how right she had been. Tania had made me feel good about myself in a way that I never had before I met her. I had always considered myself a fairly standard Eidron man. But the way Tania looked at me with love in her gaze made me feel special. The first times that she told me that I was sexy, wise, and deep. I laughed, but she kept repeating it until I accepted that she saw me differently than I saw myself. After I left Earth, nothing felt as good without her in my life. I became restless and unmotivated. I missed our daily talks, our lovemaking, and listening to all her plans for our future.
Tania’s love was addictive and couldn’t be compared to anything else I had ever experienced. The way she committed herself to me was surreal. If I searched through all of the females on Eidrona, I wouldn’t find anyone as devoted as her.
“I don’t love you a fraction of how much you love me, Nanish. Never think that,” I whispered back and squeezed her tighter. “I probably love you more because the time apart from you made it abundantly clear how lucky I am to have met you. If it became known how fiercely humans love and how amazing it feels to be in a relationship with someone from Earth, the Federation would have a hard time protecting your planet.”
“I’m only half human,” Tania reminded me. “But thank you.”
Nuzzling her nose, I told her, “Lios is requesting communication.”
“What does he want?”
