Page 32 of Malliko
She smiled. “Thank you, Malliko.”
“For what?”
“For not telling me to get better and not bitter. I hate all those motivational quotes and speeches. Lately I've been wanting to strangle the ones telling me that it's all just a matter of applying the law of attraction. As if I would ever deliberately choose to live in a shitty apartment, not seeing my sons.”
“I'm sorry you've been going through a tough time.”
Just then the waitress brought over our plates of steaming goulash and left with a quick “Enjoy.”
“Thanks for the sympathy, but I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are quite a few areas of my life where I don't feel like I have any control. Dating to find love doesn't seem realistic to me. My heart is still too raw and vulnerable. I've never been the kind of woman to have one-night stands because I've always thought of it as something quite mechanic and empty. But last night I was thinking that maybe...” She had been sitting with the spoon eating her goulash but now she put it back. “Maybe, if I separate my sexuality from my hopes of finding a partner who would be loyal and kind, then I could have some fun. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm a bit more open to the idea that it doesn't have to be all or nothing. I miss the physical part of arelationship and sometimes when I read steamy novels or see a movie with two people making love, I get affected like everyone else.”
When I took my first bite of Hungarian goulash, my taste buds were immediately delighted.
“What is this?” I asked and took another spoonful.
“You never had goulash before?” She stirred her bowl with her spoon. “Basically, it’s the flavors of the paprika, onions, and beef that blend perfectly and make it so delicious. When the potatoes are cooked to perfection like in this restaurant it’s extra good, and of course, the sour cream ads a delicate creaminess to the dish.”
I kept eating while Clara went back to talking about my offer.
“If I took you up on your offer of being in a pretend open relationship with you, then I wouldn't be as scared of meeting the wrong guy who could physically hurt me. I know that sounds weird because I've only met you a few days ago and looking at you I'm pretty sure you could hurt me if you wanted to.”
I lowered my spoon and assured her, “I would never hurt you, Clara. Never!”
“No, the weird thing is that I feel very safe around you. It's probably because you said that you weren't interested in having sex with me or anyone at a club. I really think that with you as my pretend partner, or should I say guardian, I could be brave enough to explore my sexuality.”
Clara couldn't have chosen better words. Being a soldier who had risked his life many times to protect others, I sat up a little straighter and lifted my chin. “I would be honored to keep you safe.”
“Good. I know you have to go back home to Lichtenstein at some point, but hopefully if you can get me started, I can take it from there.”
Watching her take her first bite of the goulash, I leaned closer and asked, “Just to be sure that we are in agreement. In order to protect you, I'll have to be close when you are with whatever guy you choose to date or have sex with. If he mistreats you in any way, or doesn't respect your ‘no’, do you want me to pull him off you right away or to give him a verbal warning first?”
“I don't want you to get in fights because of me. I would think that most guys would stop just by having a verbal warning.” Looking at me, Clara narrowed her eyes a little and asked, “You said that you’d been a soldier so I’m assuming that if it came down to it, you would know how to fight, right?”
Raising both eyebrows, I didn't smile or break into laughter, but simply explained, “Not only can I fight, I can kill someone in seconds if I want to. My combat training is substantial because I was in the army for most of my life.”
“What type of soldier were you? My cousin is in the Navy SEALs and my uncle was a Marine.”
Sticking to the background story that Tania had given me, I said, “My home life was pretty shitty when I was a kid and so I joined the French Foreign Legion when I was seventeen.”
“Oh, shit. I’ve heard about them. Aren’t they all criminals and extremely brutal?”
I had already read up on the Legion when I prepared for my first day of work and answered, “That's a myth. They don't care about petty crimes, but they don't want a regiment of psychopaths and murderers. But yes, things are done the old-fashioned way and there's a high level of discipline and brutality. That being said, we soldiers also enjoyed a unique camaraderie that makes up for some of the other unpleasant things.” That last part wasn’t a lie, as it had been my experience as a soldier.
Leaning in, Clara looked intensely at me and whispered her question, “Have you ever come close to dying?”
“Many times. And I've also had to take lives. It's something you have to come to terms with if you choose to be a warrior. It would be lovely if we could just all use our words and diplomacy, but when there are... um...peoplewho attack innocent people who can't defend themselves, then those of us with the skill set to defend must protect. I've never killed someone without it being an absolute necessity, and every time I have taken a life, I've been fully aware that I've also saved many more.”
“No, I completely agree. When you first mentioned that you had been a soldier it just surprised me because...” She bit her lower lip. “Well, because you're writing a PhD and you're an academic and so I just assumed that you had studied your whole life.”
“I believe a mix of life experience and studies enhances the experience and understanding of what you're learning.”
Taking the last bites of the goulash, I savored the smoky flavor of the paprika and the tang of the sour cream making it truly delicious. The hearty, comforting flavor of the goulash satisfied my hunger, and I couldn’t help but smile as I relished the taste.
Looking up at the clock above the door, Clara gave a low curse. “We need to get back to the office soon.” She ate a little faster until she put down her spoon and pushed the plate away.
When she reached for her purse, I understood that it was time to go. Pushing back my chair, I stood up and was about to leave, when Clara pulled out her phone and called out to the waitress. “May we pay, please?”
I had completely forgotten about that part, but quickly produced the card that Tania had given me from my inner pocket and handed it to the waitress.
