Page 57 of Malliko
“Be honest with me. Did you two have sex?” she asked.
“We had.” I swallowed hard and with my whole face drooping from guilt, I admitted, “Oral sex.”
“You had oral sex with Malliko?”
“Yes, he’s been trying to help me… ehm… build my confidence and he… ehm. Well, I never would have let him go down on me if I had known you weren’t in an open relationship. I’m so sorry, Tania. You don’t deserve this and honestly, I don’t understand why he would bother with me when you’re leagues above me.”
Her face softened. “Clara, was it?”
“Yes.”
“I’m not angry with you and you’re wrong. I can see why he’s attracted to you, but he shouldn’t have done what he did.”
“No, of course not.” I was incredibly relieved that she wasn’t pulling my hair out and screaming at me. My reaction when Jeremy told me he’d been unfaithful had been to break down. Tania stood calmly and was even kind enough to compliment me.
“I’m going to talk to him, and I would appreciate if you don’t have sex with him again. For your sake and mine.”
My palms came up as I assured her. “I’m not going to. I promise.”
“Thank you.”
Unsure what to say, I stood for an awkward moment before I turned and walked away. I had taken five steps when somethingelse hit me hard. Turning, I asked her. “Is he even a PhD student studying anthropology?”
“Malliko is doing a research project on human dating habits,” she answered.
I clung to that as proof that not everything he’d told me was a lie, but I still walked away with a feeling of being dirty and used. My legs were shaky as I hurried out of the building with a head full of self-blame.
Why had I so naïvely trusted that he told me the truth about their relationship? It was easy for a person to say that they had their partner’s permission to play with others. That didn’t mean it was true.
What an absolute joke that I had felt safe with Malliko when he was as much of a cheating bastard as Jeremy.
I called up Carmen the moment I came home. As I ranted about what had happened, my dear friend listened to me until I stopped talking.
“Are you crying?” she asked with a voice full of sympathy.
“Yes, because I feel so stupid and gross. And none of it makes any sense, Carmen. You should have seen her. If women like that get cheated on, then…”
Carmen interrupted me. “You’re smarter than that, Clara. Beauty isn’t a shield against infidelity, and neither is wit, kindness, loyalty, or big boobs. If a person wants to cheat, then they’ll do it. It’s a choice, just like it’s a choice not to cheat.”
“I could never cheat,” I claimed before I tried taking back my words. “I’m sorry, I’m not saying you’re a bad person for that time you cheated on Paul. It’s just that I…”
“It’s okay. I used to say the same thing, but I made the choice to cheat when I met Danny. The mature thing would have been to break up with Paul first, but we all do stupid things sometimes.”
“Carmen, can I ask you something?”
“Sure.”
I’d been pacing my living room floor while talking to Carmen, but now I went to the bathroom and put my phone down next to the sink while looking at myself in the mirror. “Have you forgiven yourself for cheating on Paul?”
She sighed and took a minute before she answered, “I’m not proud of what I did, but I’ve stopped beating myself up about things I can’t change. I want to say that I could never do it again, but I’m a flawed person who makes mistakes.”
Tying my long dark hair up in a ponytail, I turned off the light and continued to my bedroom, where I opened my closet. A sweater fell out and for the hundredth time, I promised myself that soon I would organize my overstuffed closet. “Don’t say that, Carmen. You’re the sweetest person I know.”
“I’m also incredibly flawed, Clara. That’s a proven fact.”
Changing into sweatpants and a comfortable hoodie, I said, “We’re all flawed in one way or the other. I hold grudges way too long and feel so damn sorry for myself that I get stuck in a victim mindset.” A buzzing sensation made me look at my phone to see a text from Malliko.
“Oh shit, he just wrote to me,” I said and felt an intense burning sensation in my stomach. Just the sight of Malliko’s name on my screen made me miss the world I had lived in for a brief moment while I was with him. A world where the hottest man I’d ever met felt attracted to me as well. A world where his large and warm body made me feel safe and his words boosted my confidence. I had loved every minute of my time in that beautiful world where fantasies came true. Unfortunately, I was back in the real world now and my finger pressed on his message to read the content.
