Page 24 of The Champion
“Could be. It’s hard to tell if it’s my intelligence, power, looks, or fame that attract people to me.” Victor closed the door and we walked side by side down the blue hallway with colorful doors. “I never ask.”
I said nothing until he led me through a green door to an urban farming area where plants grew in artificial light. “Don’t you ever miss intimacy?”
Victor touched one of the plants. “Does a colorblind person miss the color green?”
I got his message that he couldn’t miss what he didn’t know.
“Have you never experienced intimacy?”
“I’ve been naked with others if that’s what you mean.”
Leaning in, I sniffed the plants. “That’s not what I’m talking about. Intimacy isn’t about sex. At least not to me.”
“No?”
Meeting his gaze, I explained. “Intimacy is about trust. You could sleep with someone you don’t trust, but it would never be truly intimate until you dare to be vulnerable and speak your truth. If you strip away all pretenses and still feel safe and relaxed with that person, then you have found intimacy.”
Victor’s eyes narrowed slightly. It was clear the subject had caught his interest. “Would you say that you and I are intimate?”
The greenhouse was moist and warm. We stood close together because the pathway we could walk on was narrow. “Would you?”
“Per your definition, you’re probably the one I’ve been the most intimate with. I’m annoyed that you won’t sleep with me but at the same time, your interest in me is deeper than what I’m used to. You ask me things no one else does and it’s not related to my work or position in life. Through our years of correspondence and heated discussions we’ve offended each other more times than I can count and yet you still speak to me.”
“And you to me.” I smiled.
“You are…” Victor picked one of the leaves off the plant and rolled it between his fingers. “You are special to me, Freya.”
“Because you feel safe with me?”
“Maybe.” Victor didn’t meet my gaze when he admitted it. “I’m not a people person in general and I don’t have many close friends. Because of my fame and status, I get invited to a lot of events and everyone knows my name, but it’s hard for me to share my private thoughts.”
“In other words, it’s easier for you to sleep with a woman than tell her how you feel.”
“I think it’s that way for everyone.”
“Everyone in France,” I pointed out. “It proves my point that emotional intimacy is much harder than physical closeness. You risk more.”
Victor dropped the subject and led me to another part of the building that held workstations with instruments whose use I had no idea of. “This is where we measure all the samples that the Explorers bring in from outside the safe zone.”
As I stood looking around the laboratory, Victor suddenly jumped back to our conversation in the greenhouse. “What do you mean we risk more?”
“Being vulnerable isn’t easy. It comes with the risk of getting your feelings hurt.”
“Exactly. That’s why we don’t allow romantic relationships. They’re dangerous. You saw how erratic Bjorn acted the other night when he tried to knock down Nora’s door.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Trust me. If he wanted to knock down her door, he would have done so with one strong kick. Bjorn was banging on her door because he wanted Nora to let him in. Physically and emotionally. His problem wasn’t that he fell in love. The trouble was that he fell in love with a person who wasn’t mature enough to handle the level of intimacy he was looking for. I discussed it with Linea afterward and she has a theory that I agree with. She says that according to history, French people were known to be romantics before the toxic war. Now you all cling to the story of love being dangerous. We think it’s because you’re scared of what will happen if you let go of that myth and face your loss. Your ancestors were in dire circumstances when they banned romantic relationships. You and everyone living here have been deprived of the most important part of humanity: love.”
Victor looked thoughtful but for once he didn’t have a quick reply.
“You confuse jealousy and possessiveness with love, Victor. It’s the opposite. Emotions can be messy and not everyone can distinguish love from fear, as they tend to go hand in hand. All I’m saying is that you are missing out on something fundamental in the human experience.”
“Well, so are you.”
“Me? I’ve had parents who loved me, and I’ve seen love between couples. Maybe I haven’t experienced the full force of the physical part of it yet, but I’ve been in love and I’m not ashamed of it.”
Victor threw the crumpled-up leaf in a bin by the wall. “So, tell me this, Freya, do you think what we have between us is love?”
His question sounded so clinical that it made me frown. “I can only respond on my behalf. How you feel is for you to decide.”
