Page 80 of The Heir
My dad sat sideways on the edge of the bench, his arm leaning on the backrest and his head hanging low.
“Dad, are you okay?”
He didn’t look at me when he said, “I think about it too often. The rape.”
I allowed him time to gather his thoughts and continue.
“I have all this power and yet I can’t do anything about the past. When Nikolai Wolf raped my mother’s body in front of my father, he also raped my father’s soul. The trauma that was left behind still follows me. It’s weird that I can feel guilty, but at times I do.”
“Guilty of what? It wasn’t your fault.”
“I know, and yet…” My father circled his temple with a finger. “If I hadn’t been born my father wouldn’t have been the angry and bitter man that he was. There were times when he would look at me with loathing in his eyes, as if he was seeing not me, but Nikolai Wolf himself.”
“It can’t have been easy for you.”
He took a long moment before he turned his head and watched me. “I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes with you, but at least…”
“Yes?”
“At least you had your mother. Her love for you was always unconditional.”
“And yours wasn’t?” The knot in my stomach that had forced me to flee my childhood home six months ago was back. Like toxic waste from years of trying to live up to his impossible expectations, it made it hard to breathe.
“It was, but she has always been much better at showing it. Growing up I learned to guard my emotions and that’s why it’s so hard for me to tell you…” He broke off with a sigh. “It’s the same for Magni and other men of my generation. We never learned.”
“I understand.”
We were silent for a long moment and then he mumbled, “Sometimes I envy you.”
“Me?”
“Not just you but men of your generation. I might think that you’re being pampered too much by your Motlander mothers, but I can’t tell you how many times I watched Pearl hold you, kiss you, tickle you, or sing to you. I don’t remember my mom ever doing any of that.”
I felt sorry for my dad but knew better than to pity him.
“It wasn’t until I met your mother that I experienced love. In the beginning she thought I was a monster and maybe I was.”
“Dad, don’t say that.”
His eyes glazed over as he remembered. “I was so fucking drawn to her kindness while I resented her for being weak at the same time. It took me a long time to understand that your mother’s infinite compassion is her biggest strength.”
“Then why were you so afraid of me being influenced by her?”
“Because ruling the Northlands isn’t a popularity contest. You need thick skin to make tough decisions. You could give every citizen a thousand dollars and someone would still criticize you. Ambitious men will conspire to overthrow you and critics will mock and ridicule you from morning till night. As a former council member, your mom understands that the job is more important than the person, but her parental instinct was always to shield you from that type of exposure.”
“You made me keep Mom at a distance.” Saying it aloud made anger stir inside me.
My dad looked away and I could have sworn I saw a tiny bit of moisture in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to.”
Having a deep and frank discussion about our emotions was a first for us, but now that we had dropped the façades, I brought up another painful splinter in my heart.
“You favored Freya and made me feel stupid. That’s why I left. Nothing I did was ever good enough. Now that I fall in love with the most spectacular woman, she’s not good enough either. You talk about her father as one of the finest Nmen you know, but because her mother is a kind Motlander, Linea is a threat to the status quo. You thought it was ironic that I fell in love with Linea, but you know what’s more ironic? That people call you Khan the progressive when in fact you’re fucking afraid of change.”
My father opened his mouth, and I could tell from his expression that he was going to defend himself, but then he surprised me by closing his mouth again.
For years, we had banged heads because I never felt appreciated by him. Something had changed. He wasn’t demanding and commanding. We were talking and he was listening to me.
“Maybe you’re right.”
