Page 29 of The Outcast
I was high with satisfaction over this unexpected turn of events, until her panting transformed into soft crying.
“Ma chérie, what’s wrong?” I asked and cupped her from behind.
Sparrow turned and pressed her face against my shoulder.
The rope annoyed me as it made it hard to hold her in my arms. “Talk to me.”
“It’s not fair that when I fall in love it’s with a man I can’t have.”
“You’re in love with me?”
“Yes.”
“Sweetie, it’s the sex.” I smiled. “We learn this in school when we’re young. Sex will release all sorts of hormones that will make you feel in love, but it’s a passing feeling. Trust me. It happened to me when I was younger too.”
It’s happening right now,I thought, but telling her that I was having the same intense and confusing feelings wouldn’t be smart. Not when I had nothing to offer someone like Sparrow who was looking for a long-term commitment that I could never give her.
We lay for a long while, not speaking. But then she dried her eyes and untied me. With our backs to each other, we put our nightwear back on, and crawled back into our sleeping bags.
Sparrow turned out the soft light from the lantern and whispered a soft “Good night.”
“Good night, Sparrow. And thank you.”
“I should be thanking you for letting me experiment.”
“Hmm… I needed it more than you did.”
“Could be.”
Unable to see her, I whispered, “Feel free to experiment on me anytime you want to.”
Her voice was sad when she answered, “It’s not a good idea. I’ll just feel more strongly for you and get my heart broken.”
“Oh, okay.” My heart felt like it was in a knot, but with all my experience suppressing my feelings, I closed my eyes and held back from expressing how lost I felt when she was close.
Hopefully, my words would be true for both of us. If our emotions subsided, we could move on like nothing happened. Even as I considered it, a small voice in the back of my mind whispered that it was impossible.
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CHAPTER 9
Aggressive
Banni
On the morning after Sparrow and I had oral sex, I walked around in what felt like a constant state of arousal as I was unable to stop thinking about what happened between us last night. I’d never been in a situation like this. Sparrow was a Northlander and I couldn’t just have her three times and move on. She wanted more from me. She wanted a life-long commitment, which I could never give her even if I wanted to. My assignment here in the Northlands could end at any time and we would once again be forced apart. Even if Sparrow was willing to move to France, we couldn’t be together – not the way she wanted to anyway.
As Sparrow had predicted, Aubri returned Saturday morning. Pretending that she never left in the first place, she sneaked back into the tent before the sun rose.
Now that it was noon Aubri’s mood seemed as heavy as the rain that had been pouring down for two and a half days straight. I watched her make the candidates go through harrowing exercises. She was even more of a badass than I’d been aware of before coming here, and this forest proved an excellent place for her to show off. But my problem was that the intensity of her training was unnecessary. We Explorers didn’t need to set world records in strength or speed. Her ambition for the candidates seemed more about proving her own worth.
When we were down by the river, teaching the candidates how to do water samples, Aubri was giving the candidates a hard time, again.
“Don’t touch the water, it could be toxic. Be precise in your movements, Lilly, this isn’t a joke. We’re on day thirteen and I’ve told you many times.”
Lilly was balancing on the bank, while holding on to a branch on a tree.
“You’re almost there, just a little bit longer,” Sparrow encouraged her while Aubri pushed her harder.
