Page 107 of The Ruler
“Okay, then you explain it to me.”
“I can’t,” he said and turned his back on me.
“Try.”
He was tensed up, his face pointing downward and his voice strained. “I can’t tell you about all the shit I have locked up in my mind, okay?”
“What shit?”
“Shit better left alone.”
I didn’t press any further, but in my desperation to break through to him I walked over to lean my head against his back and wrap my arms around his waist.
Khan stiffened.
“You were scared that you’d never see me again, weren’t you?” I said and tightened my hold on him. “I know I was scared of never seeing you again.”
Slowly, I felt his shoulders relax a bit.
“I spent the last seven days meditating and reflecting, and you know what I learned?”
“What?” he said and a rush went through me from the subtle movement of his thumb caressing my hand as it rested on his belly button.
“That the person I feel most comfortable with is you.”
“Why?” he asked.
“Because I can make mistakes with you. I can be ugly with you.”
“Ugly?” Khan turned his head and his dark eyes searched my face.
“I don’t worry about how I look or how I put things when we speak. You don’t care if I wrinkle my nose up, frown, or even scoff at you.” I paused. “It’s funny, but I never realized how much effort it takes to stay positive all the time, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we’re not supposed to.”
A half laugh escaped him and he turned around, placing his arms around my waist. “You say some funny shit, Pearl.”
“So do you.” I smiled. “Remember when you told me to express my honest opinion?”
“Uh-huh.”
“And yet you weren’t honest with me before, were you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You said I shouldn’t have come back. Is that really how you feel?” I tilted my head back.
“No,” he breathed. “It’s just that…” Khan folded his lower lip between his teeth searching to find the words. “There’s a lot of ugly things that you don’t know about me.”
“Like what?”
He shook his head. “Dark things from my past. Memories about my father. I don’t wanna go there.”
“I know that you’ve killed,” I said softly and splayed my hand across his chest. “I know that you can get so mad that you throw things around and that you can be unreasonable, hurtful, jealous, possessive, and that you’re a great schemer who will manipulate people to get your way.”
He stopped my hand on his chest. “If you know all that then why do you even wanna be with me?”
Using my other hand, I trailed a finger up his chest, across his collarbone, and further up his jawline. “Because for everything that’s wrong about you, there’s a lot more that’s right about you.”
He drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. “I don’t deserve you.”
