Page 103 of The Ruler
“Do me a favor,” I said. “The council is sending a message; bring it back from the border.”
“Now?”
“Yes, they said eight p.m.”
“Okay, I can do that.”
“Good.”
Finn left and I moved in my seat. My hands might be moving chess pieces but my mind was thinking about the message from the council. Was it a message about Pearl or the school project? Every day since she’d left I’d been waiting for the other shoe to drop. My fear was of receiving a video from Pearl telling me that she no longer loved me and that it had all been a mistake. If everyone else in the council was as strong in the art of persuasion as she was, she would be outnumbered and brainwashed by them to see me as wrong for her.
And maybe they were right.
Maybe Iwaswrong for her. Pearl was light and I was darkness. She was courageous and strong while I was nothing but an impostor and a fraud that had shamed my father from birth. Clawing at my inner walls again, I tore at old memories to hold me focused.
You’re too fucking emotional, my father’s voice boomed in my head.
My face hardened at the memory of being only six years old and receiving my first hunting knife as a present. It had been the happiest day of my life, and feeling like a big boy I’d gone with my father when he wanted me to learn my first lesson in hunting.
“I’m going to teach you to be a great ruler,” my father told me and whistled for our pack of dogs. Four tail-swinging Labradors came running to get an ear scratch.
“Which one is your favorite?” he asked and innocently I’d pointed to Tobi, who came to lick my hand. Tobi and I had grown up together and I considered him my best friend. His fur was a beautiful black color and he always sensed when I was sad and needed him. Tobi didn’t have words, but his warm brown eyes expressed concern, love, and joy just as well.
“Let’s go.” My father walked, and I followed with my new knife in my hand and Tobi following my every step.
Next thing I remember, we were outside in the courtyard, Tobi pressing against my leg afraid of my father, who was yelling at him, “Get over here, you filthy dog.”
With his head and tail low Tobi crept toward my father, looking back at me with fear in his eyes. I wanted to help my friend but I was little and my father never listened to me. With my heart racing and my hands trembling in fear I watched as my father grabbed Tobi’s neck and twisted his head up.
“First lesson in hunting,” my father said. “You need to be able to kill.” He hissed out the last word with drops of spit spraying from his mouth.
I blinked in confusion. Surely he didn’t want me to kill Tobi.
“Get the fuck over here and cut his throat.”
I shook my head, afraid of my father and terrified for Tobi.
“This isn’t just about hunting, son. This is about teaching you how to become a ruthless ruler one day. If you can’t kill a fucking dog, how are you gonna kill one of your closest men if he betrays you?”
My eyes darted between my father and Tobi and I started shaking uncontrollably. “No,” I whispered; my legs wouldn’t move and my chest heaved as I hyperventilated.
“I said cut his fucking throat,” my father yelled but all I could hear was the scared whimpers coming from Tobi.
With a strong grip on my beloved dog, my father came to me and clamped down on my right wrist holding the large hunting knife.
“Stick it in and cut his throat,” he demanded with irritation. “He’s just a filthy animal.”
When I stood frozen in fear, my father took my hand and stabbed the knife into Tobi, who howled in pain.
A loud sob erupted from me and tears blinded me from the confusion and terror I saw in my best friend’s eyes.
“What the fuck?” The knife fell to the ground when my father pushed me away. “You little faggot, did you just–?”
He let go of Tobi, who fell to the ground with a whimper, and then he came to tower over me. “You’re such a fucking disappointment – look at you.” He was pointing to my pants but I didn’t have to look down to know I had wet myself.
“I should call you Sappo,” he snorted and leaned close to my face, his breath warm and with a hint of tobacco. “You know, short for disappointment.”
My inner walls were dripping with blood from all the hurtful things I’d remembered to keep me from breaking.
