Page 79 of The Seducer
We had made love. It had been such a beautiful experience that I would cherish it forever. If only we didn’t live in different countries with no way for us to be together.
It was a selfish thought. Even if the Council would allow Finn to live with me, it would require him to give up his friends, culture, and maybe his job as well. I couldn’t imagine that he would be allowed to practice medicine in the Motherlands. At least it would take time for him to prove his knowledge and skills.
It was touching how he had offered to stay with me. I could never ask that of him, and I doubted he had been serious. Yesterday, there had been a story on the news about him and another woman. I only heard the headlines before I turned off the news. It had been a confirmation I had made the right choice. Finn had already moved on with a new woman, and I was happy for them. A groan escaped me, as I repeated the sentence to myself. “I am happy for them.”
It wasn’t heartfelt, and none of my favorite spiritual practices seemed to work. I had done energy work, I had cleared my head by writing down my emotions, I had made a long list of things that I was grateful for, I had done positivity yoga, and meditated for hours each day. Still, I wasn’t happy.
Getting up from the sofa, I walked over to the window and looked out over the snowy landscape, my eyes scanning the sky for any signs of drones. There was nothing.
For the first time, my options were limited. I had never desired to live anywhere else than here. Or to be anything other than an emotional rock for my community. Being a priestess was all I knew. Now I wondered what my life would have been like if I hadn’t been chosen by the high priestess when I was twelve?
I had always felt honored to be given such a vital role in our community. Never had I felt lonely. Until now.
The bond I shared with Finn that last night we spent together was so different from the connection I shared with my friends. Finn was more than a source of constant entertainment and fascination to me. He brought out sides of my personality that were new and exciting, like a portal to self-discovery. I feared that from now on, all my other relationships with people would be pale imitations of what I had experienced with Finn. There would be no more sexual desire and lust in my life. Only a memory of what I had known with him.
I declined several invitations from families in the area who asked me over for dinner this week. They were curious about the Nman that I had brought to their children’s school. But I wasn’t ready to talk about Finn yet. If I did, I would tear up.
With a heavy feeling in my body, I put on some calming music, got out my mirror that I used to do my daily face yoga, and plunked down on the sofa again.
I looked younger than I was, and gave credit to these daily exercises, my healthy eating and sleeping habits, and of course my energy work.
Today my reflection confirmed how empty and sad I felt inside –Raising my hand, I traced my finger over the dark circles under my eyes; a testament to my sleepless night. I studied the lack of glow in my skin and eyes, before my finger moved along the contours of my lips. The very same lips that had kissed Finn and tasted his love.
You were a great fuck!
It had been Finn’s last remark. Even though I knew he had been upset when he said the words, I was still sad that those were the last words spoken between us.
Despite my grief, I still checked into my Saturday enlightenment class. As always, the virtual reality setting was the tranquil meadow with the large oak tree. It was packed even more than usual. Maybe the entertainment factor of Finn’s visit and the intense debate about the Nmen had made people talk. Taking a seat on the tree stump, I returned the smiles from the audience.
“May peace surround you all,” I said when it was time to start. After our silent moment of gratitude, I continued. “Today we’ll be exploring the topic of conflicts.”
Because of what had happened between me and Finn, the topic felt personal to me. I took my time as I surveyed the audience, consisting of locals and people that I had never met in person. The virtual reality made it possible for all of us to meet in a lifelike setting without having to leave our houses. I was happy to see that my classes attracted people of all ages.
“How many of you would say that you feel comfortable with conflicts?” I smiled when not a single person raised their hand.
“Have you noticed how some people seem to attract conflicts more than others? It’s an interesting phenomenon, and a sign that there is potential for some personal growth. Would one of you like to volunteer with a conflict that you’ve had in your own life, so that we can analyze it and maybe help you come to a peaceful resolution?”
A number of hands went up in the air. I was drawn to a woman in her mid-forties with wrinkles that testified she frowned a lot.
“What is your name?”
“Susie,” she replied and stood up.
“Do you have any conflicts in your life?”
She looked uncomfortable being called upon, and wrung her hands with a nervous glance around her. “Actually, there is one thing that I have been struggling with for a while,” she said with her eyes darting around.
“This is a safe place to share it, and you will meet no judgment from us.” I gave her an encouraging smile.
“All right, well, the thing is, I have a colleague at work, and it feels like I’m doing much of her work because I’m more experienced than she is, and I have a better eye for details. It’s not that I mind being helpful, because I really don’t,” Susie insisted and looked around to be sure we really weren’t judging her. “It’s just that I have to help her every day and while doing her work, I’m falling behind on my own assignments. I think what really gets to me is that she is so eloquent and…” The woman looked up as if trying to find her words.“What I mean is that she’s good at self-promoting,and everybody thinks that she’s an expert at her job, when she’s not.”
“So where would you say that your conflict with her lies?” I asked.
Wrapping her arms around her waist, the woman hugged herself. “To be honest, I’m too polite to tell herno, so I suppose the conflict is more with myself than her, but I think about itall the time.”
“What are your emotions connected to this conflict within yourself?”
“There’s a lot of resentment building up inside of me. Sometimes I wish I could tell everybody that she’s not half as good as they think she is.”
