Page 32 of Our Shattered Pieces
Today was about Molly.
After telling her all about the wedding, the six months since then, and all the way through our messaging yesterday, I waited for her insight to the situation.
Smiling kindly, she asked, “Does the possibility of finding your match in Molly make you nervous?”
I thought about that. “Not nervous, per se,” I replied. “More like a…too-good-to-be-true vibe.”
She nodded. “When was the last time you indulged, Grayson?”
“I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “But I do know it’s been years.” A long while ago, I had hooked up with a woman who had been a dirty fuck, but when things had started to get a littletoodirty for her, things had gone south really quick.
The guilt had come crashing in like a wrecking ball, and the very thought that I had been doing something she hadn’t been onboard with had fucked me up good. So good, in fact, that I haven’t done anything beyond the basics in years. Since her.
Dr. Willis nodded again because she obviously remembered that session. “The benefit with exploring your desires with strangers is that, if things do end up badly, you have the time and space to work through the aftereffects. With Molly’s brother being married to your sister, you might not have the luxury of time and space from her, if this doesn’t work out. Has that occurred to you?”
I nodded. “That possibility existed the night of the wedding, but that hadn’t stopped us.”
“That night consisted of standard sex, though,” she pointed out. “That situation was safe, though a little ill-advised since she’s somewhat family. If you move forward with this, with her in particular, things could become dicey. Do you feel prepared for that possibility?”
“Maybe I’m kidding myself into believing that there isn’t a need to be.”
She cocked her head. “Why?”
“Molly’s the first woman whose expectations are clear,” I told her. “There’s no guessing where the line is. That site is designed, so that there is no confusion about what you’re looking for.” I shrugged. “I basically got a play-by-play of what she likes and doesn’t like. What’s more safer than that?”
She didn’t say anything for a bit, but then she asked, “Beyond the possible sexual compatibility, how do you feel about Molly, otherwise?”
“I like her,” I said, easily and readily. “I mean, what’s there not to like. The woman’s rich as fuck but dedicates her life to her charity organization instead of indulging in morning mimosas in the Hamptons on the regular.”
Studying me like all therapists, she asked, “Why didn’t you tell Rowan about the night of her wedding?” She cocked her head. “By all accounts, you and your sister are very close. With Molly being her sister-in-law, I’m surprised you wouldn’t have warned her of possible future awkwardness between you and Molly after that night.”
I shifted in my seat.
A sign of guilt, for sure.
“It felt too much like kissing and telling,” I admitted.
Her brows rose. “Even to Rowan?”
I nodded. “Molly’s just not anyone.”
Dr. Willis smiled kindly again. “And that’s the exact reason why I’m just asking that you consider all the ramifications of pursuing this thing with Molly,” she said. “I’m not telling you not to move forward with your attraction to her, I’m just asking you to make sure your eyes are wide open with this thing.” She crossed her legs. “Addictions are potent even when in hibernation, Grayson.”
I thought about that, and she was right. Just because I haven’t indulged since that night, all those years ago, that didn’t mean my cravings weren’t always there, lurking under the surface. Kind of like being on a diet. I might be satisfied with the meals I’ve prepared for myself, but that didn’t mean I’ve forgotten how good a fucking cupcake tastes like.
“You’re saying I shouldn’t trust her completely.”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying at all,” she corrected. “I’m just asking you to recognize the situation for what it is, regardless of if you trust her or not. A situation is never completely under control when you possess uncontrollable emotions, Grayson.”
“But I have them under control,” I argued. “I haven’t fed into my cravings for years.”
“Okay, how about I lay out a different scenario for you.” I nodded. “A non-violent man, a man who has never hurt another soul ever in his life, comes across someone ready to attack him. In the heat of the moment, he’s killed his attacker in a bid for survival.”
“Okay.”
“Survival instincts are ingrained in us. They are a part of our animal make up. During that inability to control that desperate need for survival, he kills another human being. Something he never imagined he’d ever do. Uncontrollable emotions in the middle of an uncontrollable situation have the potential for disastrous ramifications. And lust, next to wrath, is one of the most uncontrollable emotions on the list, Grayson.”
“Okay, Dr. Willis, now you’re scaring the fuck out of me,” I blurted.
