Page 55 of Battling the Enemy
Ava’s laugh cut me off. “Does it even matter?” she challenged. “You threw away the best thing that will ever happen to you, Deke. I don’t need to do shit to you because that regret…that…erosionis going to stay with you forever.” Her true words were making it hard to breathe. “Delaney’s going to move on with someone who is going to loveandtrust her, and she’s going to be happy, Deke. She’s going to be happy despite you and that’s enough for me.” She took a step back, and she looked joyous. “Oh, and another thing, if Delaney sucks in bed, it’s because she had a horrible teacher. Her next lover should be able to fix that.”
Ava walked off before I had a chance to kill her.
Because I really, really wanted to.
I wanted to snuff the life out of her until her words lost their truth.
I stood there feeling as if my chest was caving in; like my heart was being crushed.
If what Ava said was true-and she had no reason to lie-Delaney hadn’t chosen her family over me. Delaney had chosen me, and I…
My back dropped against the row of lockers with the significance of what I did to her. All week long I had held on to my righteous anger, not letting anything else in, but now…now that I no longer had a right to be angry, everything I said and did to her that night burned in my mind like an iron left unattended.
And, Christ Almighty, I actually told her to put her abortion on my fuckingtab.
I made her believe getting pregnant by me was nothing special. I announced to damn near the entire school that Delaney let me fuck her without protection. I blasted all of her private moments to everyone.
Ava was right.
I hadn’t trusted Delaney.
I fired off a group text to Ramsey, Liam, Linnie, and Emerson that I was leaving school and I’d fill them in later right as I stormed out of the building.
I needed to find Delaney.
I let out a pathetic laugh because she had been right all along, too. She knew the truth would come out sooner or later and she knew I’d be begging for forgiveness. My stomach soured with how I wanted to call her but couldn’t. Knowing that picture she took of Melissa on my lap would be what popped up if I called her is the only thing that kept me from calling her.
I drove to her house thinking about how that picture of her and Winston had made me feel and knew that I could never take away what seeing Melissa on my lap did to her. I did the one thing you just can’t do to a girl. I shoved another girl in her face.
Delaney was already insecure with my status in this town, reducing her and what we had to nothing was the worst thing I could do to her-tous.
I had to pull over onto the side of the road.
Everything I did to her Saturday night kept playing over, and over again in my head and I couldn’t escape the sickness. I wondered how Ramsey lived with it; with what he did to Emerson way back when. I might have crossed some serious lines with Delaney, but I had never put her health in jeopardy, and I seriously wondered how Ramsey lived with himself. If what I was feeling was an indication of what I’d feel for the rest of my life, I’d rather put a bullet through my brain.
Ava’s taunting comment about how Delaney’s next lover would be better churned in my gut. I could live with losing her to Reynolds because she was his before I came into the picture, but to see her with someone else?
I leaped out of the car and almost threw up on the side of the road when I pictured Delaney pregnant with another man’s baby after aborting mine because I told her to.
Jesus Christ.
I couldn’t do this. I grabbed my phone from my pocket and dialed Ramsey. He answered on the second ring. “Deke?” Then I heard him faintly telling the teacher he had to take the call.
I gave him a few seconds to clear the classroom before I said, “I fucked up, man.”
I could feel Ramsey’s stillness over the phone. “Where do you need us?” he asked, ready and willing to save me.
“It’s not like that,” I muttered, my mouth dry. I had to take a couple of deep breaths before I was able to tell him everything. I told him about approaching Ava because I was worried. I told him about Ava showing me the old post. I told him how Delaney had come home to me. I told him everything. When I was finished, I confessed, “I think I’m losing my mind, Ram.”
His was voice serious and absolute as he said, “It’ll never go away, Deke.” I knew what he meant. He was talking about how I treated Delaney Saturday night. “If you do this…if you chase after her,” he stressed, “you’ll be living on your knees for the rest of your life where she’s concerned.”
I thought about his words. “And how does that make you feel?”
Ramsey let out a soft laugh. “Emerson is so vital to my existence, I’dcrawlafter her if I had to in order to keep her in my life, Deke. After what I did to her…I’ll take whatever she grants me.”
“I know what you mean,” I said solemnly.
Because I did.
