Page 12 of If You Could Only Feel
When Sunday rolled around, I let Beatrice convince me to book a spa day. She was barely getting over her hangover and she thought a spa day would be just what we needed to face Monday. I hadn’t needed a spa day, but I needed something to keep my mind off Gabriel. And now, five days later, I was in Las Vegas still trying to keep my mind off Gabriel.
I wasn’t surprised that he hadn’t called me. I knew he and Michael were starting their first days at Buchanan Industries and Gabriel had vaguely mentioned that they would spend their first four weeks working in every department and getting to know all the employees. Michael and Gabriel wouldn’t be in their official roles for another month or so.
So, I knew he was busy. And even if he wasn’t, it didn’t matter. Gabriel and I didn’t have a relationship where we spoke on the phone or through texts. Nope. When he wanted to get laid by me specifically, he’d send a text that he was on his way, and as always, I’d reply with an ‘OK’. Gabriel would walk in, undress, attack, get dressed, then leave.
We never went to dinner. We’ve never gone to a movie. We’ve never walked down the grocery aisle to shop for food. We’d never gone to the park. It’s amazing when you think about it. We’ve been sleeping together for six years and we’ve done nothing other than fuck.
Even when we were teenagers, we spent most of our time in my trailer screwing. My parents were so neglectful, they didn’t notice Gabriel sneaking in and out of my bedroom window. And considering that we lived in a trailer, the noises he made should have alerted them to something. But they just hadn’t cared enough to investigate those noises.
At first, I didn’t mind the secrecy. I had been so enthralled at the idea that Gabriel Buchanan actually liked me; I was blind to just how seedy our relationship was. When he had finally convinced me he was sincere in wanting to be more than just my friend, I hadn’t wanted anyone to know, because I didn’t want anyone bursting our perfect little bubble.
I was afraid if anyone found out, they’d eventually convince Gabe that he could do so much better than a piece of poor trailer park trash. At the time, I knew his brothers had known about us, and I was sure that Mason would have made him end things between us, but as the weeks and months went by, they never interfered. At least, not that I knew of.
It was when Gabriel went off to college that my insecurities reared their ugly heads. Blaineview was one of the most prestigious private colleges in the country. It’s where the One Percent sent their children to fulfill the requirements to take over the family empires. Except for the scholarship students, Blaineview was crawling with the new generations of the wealthy.
The college was also crawling with girls who were being groomed to hang on the arms of men like Gabriel Buchanan. Sophisticated, gorgeous, wealthy, graceful, elegant…you know, all the things I wasn’t.
Gabriel had been at Blaineview for two months before he sent me a text that he was coming to see me.
I had cried.
And while I cried, I tortured my brain with all the possible reasons he could have texted me. I wondered if he missed me. I wondered if he was tired of new pussy and was feeling homesick. I even wondered if he was coming back to me because I was willing to let him fuck me up the ass and maybe the girls at Blaineview weren’t that obvious yet.
And because I was so terrified of losing Gabriel, I had kept all my questions and fears to myself. Instead, he came over and I’ll never forget how I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me that night. I mean, for the most part, Gabe’s always had free reign of my body, but that night I begged him to leave nothing to his imagination. I begged him to treat me like a body with no mind, no emotions and no choice.
I had cried myself to sleep for four days after he had left.
The thought of having to share him with the world and be happy with the leftovers he was willing to gift me with had me wanting to slit my own throat.
My insecurities, lack of self-esteem and all-around pathetic weakness were burning like the brightest beacons known to man.
Gabriel was no longer my safe place. He was now a mirror to all the ways I was useless and dismal.
I loved Gabriel. I’ve loved him since I was 16 years old, but I wasn’t happy with him. Or, rather, I wasn’t happy with our situation. But I was too much of a coward to say anything. While I might blame Gabe for being obtuse and insensitive, I wouldn’t blame him for my cowardice.
That was all me.
Honestly, I wasn’t even sure if it mattered anymore. He hasn’t called or texted and I wasn’t eager to reach out myself.
So, I came to Vegas hoping that I could drink my depression away and hopefully find a man who could help me escape the chains that held me down.
I’ve never been with anyone besides Gabriel. From my first kiss to my first everything else, they had all belonged to Gabriel. Maybe if I experienced those things with someone else, I’d be able to find enough pleasure that Gabe’s hold on me might loosen, if not disappear altogether.
The unfortunate part was there was no way I’d be able to do this sober. I turned away from the window and eyed the mini bar. I wasn’t even sure how to go about doing something like this. Did I just pick a bar and drink until a guy approached me? And how safe was hooking up with a virtual stranger anyhow? I was here alone. No one would know until Monday if I’d been abducted or murdered.
I grimaced. Ugh, what a grim thought.
Well, it was only Wednesday night. I could unpack, unwind and relax. Perhaps, I could put in another spa day tomorrow and make sure everything was waxed, trimmed, buffed and exfoliated to perfection before I took it all off for some random stranger.
I could sleep in, take a lazy day, get beautified, go shopping and then drink myself to gather enough courage to face the single, drunk men of Las Vegas.
Deciding to ignore the mini bar until tomorrow evening, I walked over to the bed and grabbed my phone out of my purse. I shot Beatrice a quick text letting her know I arrived safely and wished she was here with me.
There was still nothing from Gabriel, but while my chest felt heavy, I still wasn’t surprised. He was learning how to run an empire. I’m sure he had more important things to attend to than his booty call’s emotional breakdown.
I flopped down on the bed and studied the ceiling as I admitted a little self responsibility. It wasn’t Gabriel’s fault I never told him how I felt. He really couldn’t be blamed for thinking our arrangement was still working for me when I never said otherwise.
I guess the girl in me wished he had been the one to say something. I didn’t want to be just another woman throwing myself at him, in hopes of being the next Mrs. Buchanan, with unlimited funds at my disposal.
