Page 41 of If You Could Only See
Chapter 21
Shane~
All these years, workhas kept me fed and sheltered, and apparently now, it’s keeping mesane.
I’m nottoo proud to admit I was amess when I left Mason’s and I wasn’t sure how I was going to beable to get through the day. The pain of his betrayal hadbeenthatcrippling. I had felt nothing like itbefore in my life.
The first timesomeone claimed to have wantedme and it was all a lie. His professions of love and declarationsof belonging to him had all been bullshit. And I fell for it hook,line and sinker.
Luckily, myshift at the diner had flowed right into my shift at the bookstoreand I was too busy to crymyself into heartache. Well…crymuchintoheartache. My breaks had been brutal and spent in the bathroomsthroughout the day.
I hadgottenhome, showered, criedin the shower, and now, I was sitting in the living room, booksscattered all around me with my laptop propped open and not gettinga damn thing done. I couldn’t concentrate and my heartbreak wasn’tlimited to Mason, either.
For somereason, I felt the loss of Aiden,Michael and Gabriel, too. It felt as if I had finally had friendsbesides Viola and now those had been taken from me, along with myfaith in belonging.
I’m not surehow long I sat and stared at my laptop, but I wasbrought out of my daze, when aknock sounded at my door. I stood up and prayed it was Viola as Iwalked over to open the door. The door had a peephole, but I neverused it because no one ever visited me, except for Vi. I swung thedoor open and found a very stoic Mason Buchanan standing on theother side.
And I had neverfelt so much hate for another human beingas I did looking at him now.
All thebeatingsI endured as a child,all the neglect, all the abuse and all the loneliness didn’tcompare to the absolute hate I felt towards Mason right now. No oneelse had ever made any promises to me, so I never expected much.But I believed Mason. I believed him when he said I belonged tohim. I believed him abouteverything.
“What are you doinghere?”
“May I comein?” he asked, not answeringmy question.
I shook myhead. “No.” His jaw tightened,and I knew he was struggling to remain calm. He was probablyfighting his instincts to just move me aside and come in anyway. Ididn’t imagine that many people told him no.
“We need totalk,” he said, “and I don’t think it’s a conversation that shouldbe had in the doorway ofyourapartment, Shane.”
Mygaze didn’t waver from him as Icorrected him. “We have nothing to talk about, Mason. So, if youdon’t mind, I have a lot of studying to do.”
“Bullshit!” hebarked. “We have everything to talk about!”
I was soirritated,I put my hands onmy hips, not realizing that it left the door unsecured for him tojust swing open and walk in. I turned, my eyes following him as hewalked into my living room. “Get out of my house,Mason.”
He whirledaround on me and his face was all anger and his eyes were all steel. “The fuck I will,Shane. We need to talk,” he said, again.
I couldn’t believehis nerve.
How could hestand there and not see how Iwas crumbling apart inside? How could he notfeelthe pain radiating off me? “What exactly do you want to talkabout, Mason?” I asked. “You want to talk about how I’m notimportant to anyone?” He flinched, but I didn’t care. “Do you wantto talk about how I’m just a convenient fuck? How about how I’mpoor, scholarship trash?”
My words musthavehit their mark, becausehe seemed to deflate right in front of me and said, “None of thatis true, Shane.”
My anger gaveway to hurt. Just like that, Iwent from spitting mad to horribly pained. The tears started, and Ididn’t care. I’ve never been prideful; I couldn’t afford it. I atescraps and wore hand-me-downs. I’ve lived most of my life at thelevel of most people’s shoes. I didn’t care if he saw what he didto me. I didn’t care if he won. I didn’t care, because I would pickmyself back up and move forward, like I always have inlife.
I didn’t haveafear of being alone. I justdidn’twantto be alone. But if I had to be, Iwas okay with that. Yeah, Mason might have used me for his ownentertainment purposes, but I’m the one who rushed into believingthe words of a boy I didn’t know.
This was on me.
But I wasn’t strongenough not to beg. I ignored the tears and said, “It’s all true,Mason.” I held up my hand to stop is objections. “I’m notimportant. I never have been. I never will be,” I said, truthfully.“And because of that, I probably always will be just a quick fuckto someone. And there’s no denying that I am poor and here onscholarship.”
“Sha-”
“And I’m okaywith all of that, Mason,” I went on, ignoring his attempt to…well,I don’t know. “But what I’mnot okay with is lying. I’m not okay with being lied to andmanipulated. If this was a bet or a joke, it could have been allthat without you throwing out declarations of love. You didn’t haveto make me believe I belonged to you.”
“You dobelong to me!” he snapped atme.
I opened myselfup to him. Ishowed himeverything I was feeling in my eyes and body language. I wanted himto know how serious I was when I said, “If this morning is anexample of what it means to belong to you, then I want to belong tosomeone else, Mason.”
