Page 13 of Digit's Deflection
He’s quiet for long moments, as if weighing up how much to tell me. “Honestly, I don’t have all the details, but from the little she has shared with me it seems her past isn’t a happy one. Add an unfortunate incident on top of that, and it’s made for a nasty cocktail that’d fuck anyone up.
“But she’s wanting to actively work on getting over the trauma of her past – I suspect some form of abuse in that mix – as she thinks that learning about bondage could be helpful. Therapeutic, if you will.”
It’s my turn to consider my words. Is this really something I want to get involved with? I’m no therapist, but I knowthe benefits the lifestyle has held for me. Finding someone to identify what that unknown urge I had as an eighteen-year-old boy was and guide me on how to deal with it properly was invaluable. Life altering, in fact.
The dominant streak in me is a power that needs to be wielded with care because, much like a doctor, our lifestyle embraces the philosophy of first do no harm. It’s all about safe, sane, and consensual. Nothing done against someone’s will.
It set my path, and I’ve not looked back.
Sighing deeply, I know what my answer needs to be. I’m just not sure how to feel about it. This situation causes anxiety – the last thing I want is to develop any form of personal attachment. To anyone. Liora still holds my heart. I placed it in her care for safekeeping years ago, and look how that turned out. But the flip side of this coin is, I’ll never be able to forgive myself if I choose not to do this and something goes wrong, making this woman’s issues worse and not better.
“That’s an awful lot of frowning going on over there,” Sam says, studying me with shrewd eyes.
“Yeah, mainly because it’s not an easy decision for me.” I examine him, my thoughts racing a mile a minute. “What makes you think I can make a difference with her?” The words pop out, unbidden.
Without hesitation, he replies, “There’s no one else I know who’s as gentle, patient, and understanding as you are, while still being firm. I really do believe you’re the best person to help her through this.”
“Fine, I’ll do it,” I eventually reply. “But if, at any time, I feel things aren’t going well or progressing at all, I reserve the right to walk away.” The fear that I could become attached I leave unspoken.
“Understood. Thanks, Treven. I do believe you’ll make a difference, for what it’s worth.”
A chin lift is my only response. Conversation turns casual as we eat, and I actively try my best to avoid thinking about what I’ve just committed to.
“Well, best I get back to it. I’m surprised Myra hasn’t sent a search party out for me yet.” He gets to his feet, pushing his chair in. “Day shift ends in a couple of hours, so I’ll call LJ in and let her know you’ve made a decision. When do you want to meet her? I’ll make the arrangements at the same time.”
“Today’s as good a day as any, I guess,” I reply, determined to get this over with now that I’ve agreed to work with this mysterious LJ.
He nods. “Consider it done. I’ll let you know once I’ve spoken to her.”
“Sure thing.”
With a wave he disappears in the direction of his office, and I’m left alone at the table to contemplate the possible ramifications of my rash decision. Rubbing my hands over my face, I curse myself for being all kinds of an idiot, but I’ve agreed to do this, and I’m a man of my word, if nothing else.
8
LIORA
For no good reason, my stomach knots when Cas comes over to tell me Master Samuel’s looking for me and asked that I go see him at end of shift.
“Don’t look so worried,” she says, rubbing a soothing hand down my arm. “You’re not in any trouble, he just wants to chat apparently, according to Myra.”
“Thanks, Cas,” I reply, quite sure I know the reason for my summons.
I’ve regretted my decision almost from the moment I spoke the words out loud. They sounded so much more reasonable in my head. I mean, what better way to deal with this fear than to face it head on, right?
Yeah, that’s what I thought. But now that it stands a good chance of becoming a reality, I’m not so sure Iwantto face it anymore. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to just live with it. Then I remember the look on Treven’s face the night I panicked and ran out on him, and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I have any chance of having some kind of healthy relationship with a man, I’m going tohaveto deal with my issues.
The only friend I ever told in a drunken confession late one night, from a town long in my rearview mirror, asked why I don’tjust go to a professional. Not sure why, but everything in me rebels at the idea. I don’t have a problem with them, or others brave enough to go to them, but it’s not something I can bring myself to do.
Maybe it’s a throwback to childhood. My dad believed therapists were for weaklings. He was never shy about letting people know that’s how he felt if anyone was stupid enough to dare suggest he seek help to deal with my mother leaving.
Surreptitiously wiping my hands down the legs of my jeans, I fake a confidence I don’t feel and enter Myra’s office. Her’s guards the entrance to Master Samuel’s. No one gets to him unless through her. She’s super protective of the man. I suspect Myra has feelings for our employer but, for whatever personal reasons she has, she’s fighting them.
“Hey, M. The boss wants to see me?”
“Yes. He’s waiting for you in his office – said you were to go on in when you arrived.”
“Thanks.” I swallow and walk over to the door on the other side of the room. Taking another moment to compose myself, I knock.
