Page 20 of Gator's Gambit
Finally, when I can no longer take it and am about to beg him to answer me, he speaks. With a sigh, he lowers his head to rest his forehead against mine. “No, baby, it isn’t just you. Since I ran into you that day outside Walmart, something’s felt different between us. The more I’m around you, the more I want to be around you.”
I feel everything clenched inside me relax. I was terrified Godric was going to tell me it’s all in my head. “If it’s any consolation, I feel the same way.”
“Honestly? I don’t know if it is or isn’t. I just know that it’s been a long time coming.”
“What has?” I ask, frowning.
Again, silence fills the car while Godric seems to contemplate how to answer my question. Eventually, he rubs a hand over his face. Then he proceeds to shock the hell out of me.
“This” — he gestures back and forth — “whatever this is between us – lust, affection, love, whatever – it’s been brewingfor years. Certainly on my side, at any rate. I’ve had feelings for you since we were teenagers. At the time I thought maybe it was just wanting what I couldn’t have, since you were Em’s best friend.
“I thought by going away to the Navy the feelings would dissipate naturally. Since I figured it was nothing more than a crush and teenage hormones on the rampage, I expected time and distance to change them.”
I wait for him to continue, but he doesn’t.
“And? Did it?”
“Did it, what?”
“Did time and distance change how you felt about me?” I hold my breath as I wait for Godric to reply.
“No.” He shakes his head. “I thought it had, but the first time I saw you back home I realized nothing had changed. I still felt the same about you.”
“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” I ask.
“I didn’t think you felt the same way. You never gave any indication that you did. You’ve just always treated me as good old Bean, big brother to your best friend.” Godric’s words almost sound bitter.
“I might have seen you that way once, but then puberty hit and I became aware of you as a boy rather than a friend, then it became a whole different story. I was just too shy and worried about rejection to say anything to you. Besides, you always had a different girl by your side, wherever you went.”
“Nothing more than a protective mechanism. A way to guard against the rejection I was so sureyou’dhandme.”
A sigh from deep down in my soul makes its way up over my lips and out into the space around us.
“So where do we go from here?”
Taking my hand in his, Godric studies me, as if trying to decide what to say. “We get honest with each other. Layallour cards on the table and decide what our next move is.”
“Okay …”
“Fancy, I’ve never said this to another woman. Ever. Because it’s never felt right, until this moment. I love you. I have loved you since we were children. It’s one of the reasons I’ve been so protective over you. It was just easier to pretend it was only because of your skin issue. But that’s the true reason. Well, one of them anyways.”
My heart pounds as I listen to Godric’s words. I’ve hoped – prayed – to hear them one day. Never in my wildest imaginings did I ever consider it would come to pass, though. Emotion wells, but I hang on with all I am, not wanting to cry and spoil the moment. Because the second tears tip over my lashes and track down my face, he’ll shift into protector mode and the moment will be lost. Ruined.
Holding my breath, I wait for more. But, for the moment, he seems to be done. He shifts his gaze from my hand he’s holding, back to my face once more, hope bright in his eyes. Just as he did moments ago, I gather my courage and prepare to lay my soul bare.
“The first time I saw you differently was that day in the ninth grade, when Gavin Petersen pushed me in a fit of temper and you saved me from falling. Something changed when your hands made contact with the bare skin of my arms. Something you’d done a million times before, but somehow felt so completely different than any other time.
“From that day on, I viewed you through a very different lens. Wanted so much more than the friendship we’d shared all our lives. I envied all those girls you dated during the rest of high school, before you left for the Navy. It somehow felt like youwere subliminally trying to tell me you weren’t interested in me as a girl.”
Godric’s laughter echoes around the confined space of Em’s car. There’s a note of self-depreciation in the rich tones. “Yeah, stupid me. That’s exactly what I was trying to do. Prove to myself I didn’t need you, since I believed I couldn’t have you.”
“So how did that work out for you?” I can’t quite keep the note of frustration, or is that bitterness, out of my voice. And, of course, Godric picks up on it.
He tilts his head, rubbing at his neck, while he considers his answer. “Nowhere near as effective as I would have liked. One thing the Navy’s good for, though, is making you forget your worries. With all the shit you see out on missions, it’s easy to bury stuff you don’t want to think about.”
“Lucky you. It took me a long time to put my girlish hopes and dreams under lock and key and move on to living life independent of Havelock. God, I missed home so much that first year. I can’t tell you how many times I almost gave in to the homesickness. So many times I considered just selling up and moving back home.
“Then I’d remember you wouldn’t be here and figured I’d hang tough for a little while longer. Eventually, it eased, and I could get on with building a new life in San Francisco on my own. Milly and Evie found their way into my life, and slowly everything finally settled. I wasn’t so lonely anymore – could get through the day without wanting to cry endlessly.”
