Page 3 of Baring All
My entire body locks. It’s what I’ve been dreading most about today. I knew it had to happen sooner or later, and yet I still don’t have a good answer. Mama lays a comforting hand on my knee.
I don’t know where the words come from, but I find myself blurting, “To be honest, Aunt Mara, I don’t know when I’m going to find that nice boy and get married. But I do know I don’t want children.”
My words fall into an unexpected lull in conversation, and they ring out clearly in the silence. I can feel my face heat as everyone turns to look at me. Expressions vary from person to person, but the predominant one from the older generation is a look of horror that I could possibly have uttered such blasphemy.
“What are you talking about, not wanting children? You must have children. It’s what’s expected of us as women,” my oldest aunt, Ginger, snaps, disapproval ripe in her tone.
Before answering my aunt, I lean over, place a kiss on my mom’s cheek and whisper, “Sorry, Mama.” I get to my feet, snag my purse from the ground beside my chair, and look my aunt in the eye. “Aunt Ginger, that may be your belief. Me, on the other hand, I don’t subscribe to that archaic way of thinking.
“I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do. Freedom to choose what I do and don’t do is my God-given right. And I choose not to have children. I’m sorry that offends your sensibilities, but that’s not my problem.” Turning to my aunt Mara and cousin, I continue, “Thank you for inviting me. I apologize for ruining the afternoon. I’ll see myself out.”
It’s completely unlike me to be so rude, especially to my elders, but I’m bone weary of this constant dance each time we have a family gathering. The only reason I came today was out of familial duty. With one last kiss on Mama’s head, I hurry for the front door, worried that if I stay any longer this will get nasty and things will be said that I can’t take back. It’s bad enough I’ve been so disrespectful to Aunt Ginger – I’ll need to apologize when I’m not so flustered and fuming.
Just as I reach the portal to my escape, I hear Aunt Rose call my name. Shit, so close. But I stop, waiting for her to catch up with me. Taking my hand, she opens the door and leads me out onto the front porch, closing the wooden panel firmly behind her. Without a word, she pulls me in for a hug, rubbing a soothing hand up and down my back.
“I know today is hard for you, my sweet girl. Don’t pay Aunt Ginger any mind. She’s old and set in her ways, especially with Uncle Doug now gone.” I am forever grateful to my mother for picking Aunt Rose and Uncle Ralph to be my godparents.
“Thanks, Aunt Rosie. I know it. I’m sorry for the way I spoke to her, and I’ll tell her so myself when I’m a little calmer. But for now, I just need to get away from here.” For long moments, we stand like that – her offering comfort and me accepting it with arms wide open. “I’m surprised Mama didn’t come after me,” I say, finally breaking the silence.
“I told her I would. Besides, she understands. She knows how difficult this is for you.”
“God, it hurts so much. I’m trying to put on a brave face for the world, but I’m struggling to. It doesn’t feel as if this pain will ever go away.”
“Give it time, Lola-bug.” My aunt’s use of my childhood nickname has a lump forming in my throat – one I’ve managed to avoid to this point. “It’s all still new and raw – it’s only been a year. These things take time to get over.” She places a soft kiss on my temple. Sighing, I drop my head to her shoulder, and we stand like that for a while longer. Then she steps back. “Quick, Aunt Mara’s headed this way. Make good your escape while you can.”
I tighten my arms around her briefly. “I love you. Please tell Mama I love her too. I’ll call her soon.”
“I love you too. Now get.” And with that, I do as I’m told and skedaddle as fast as my legs will carry me all the way to my car parked down the street.
Taking a moment to gather my tattered composure, I rest my head on the steering wheel as if it’s too heavy to hold itself up; take a deep breath, then another. I have no idea how long I sit like that, but eventually lift my head and stare sightlessly out the windshield trying to figure out where to go.
I don’t want to go home – the idea of the silence and emptiness doesn’t appeal. I can’t go back inside – I’ve made enough of a spectacle for one event. The only place I can think of to go is Aces. I can be alone without the silence of my house, or I can engage someone in conversation if the urge comes over me. Besides, getting blind drunk sounds appealing right this second.
Decision made, I start my car. Thankfully, the parking lot outside Aces is fairly empty – just a few of the regular patrons’ cars sit in their usual spots. Perfect. Enough people that I’m not on my own. Few enough people that I can nurse my bad mood in peace.
“Hi Eloise,” Jessyka greets as I push through the doors. She’s got a tray of drinks in her hand for a table over in the corner.
“Hey Jess.”
“Table?”
“Nah, I’m gonna grab a spot over by the bar for a bit. I might grab one later, thanks.”
“Cool,” she says with a smile before moving off to deliver her order.
I head for the bar, greeting some people I know as I go. Hopping up onto a barstool, the bartender comes over. “Hey, how’s it going? What can I get for today?”
“A beer, thanks.” As he goes off to grab my drink, my cell rings. Sighing, I rummage around my purse for the damn thing. My hand brushes against it, and I latch on to it, pulling the small device out and looking at the screen. I sigh again before I connect the call.
“Hey, Mama.”
“Hey, sweet girl. I’m just checking to make sure you’re okay.”
The bartender puts a paper coaster down and a glass on top before placing my bottle of beer beside it. I smile my thanks. “I’m not gonna lie, that wasn’t a pleasant visit. But I’m sorry for being such a bitch to Aunt Ginger. I’ll apologize to her.
“I know it was my choice not to tell anyone about the baby situation, but I really do wish they’d get over this archaic thinking that women must want to get married and have babies.”
“I wish you’d change your mind about that, Lola. Now’s the time you need your family to love and support you. And you know they’d be there for you in a heartbeat if you just gave them the chance.”
