Page 20 of Loving Leila
With one last laugh, she rolls up her window and drives away. With a sense of déjà vu, I watch her leave before making my way back to Leila. I find her standing on the front doorstep of her ground floor apartment. As I approach, she goes back inside, and I follow her, closing the door behind me.
She’s standing in the middle of her living room, arms wrapped around herself. “So, what did you want talk about?” Straight to the point. All right then.
Truth time.
“Let me ask you this first. What do you remember about the day we met?”
I see the confusion crawl across her face. My Leila never could play poker for shit. She has the most expressive face of anyone I’ve ever met. Without saying a word, her face usually tells you exactly what she’s thinking.
“Um, the day we met?”
“Yeah. What do you remember about it?”
“It was at The Tug and Anchor. I was there with some work colleagues, and you came in with some of your team. If I remember correctly, it was John, Kevin, and George. I don’t remember where the others were that day.”
I nod. “Do you want to know what I remember of that day?”
“I guess.” She shrugs, still clearly confused.
“We walked into the bar, and you were the first thing I saw when my eyes adjusted to the lower light inside. You literally stopped me in my tracks. There was a light fitting directly above your head, and as it shone down on you, your hair burned like a setting sun. Someone at the table said something, and you threw your head back, laughing from the belly. It was the most beautiful sound I’d ever heard.”
I always thought it was exaggerated in the cartoons when a character’s jaw is shown to hit the floor, but I swear if it were physically possible, that’s exactly what would happen to Leila in this moment. Biting back a grin at the image, I continue.
“I engineered it so the guys and I would have to walk past your table to get to our own. Just so I could get a closer look. I got a whiff of your perfume as we walked past. Sublime. But when you turned your head and looked right at me? Holy shit, sweetness. It felt like a sucker punch to the gut.
“It almost took me to my knees. You were the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I couldn’t tell you what the guys talked about – I was too busy wracking my brain for a way to meet you. Then that idiot hit on you and wouldn’t take no for an answer.”
“I’d forgotten about him,” she murmured. “I didn’t think men paid attention to details like that,” she continues.
“Yeah well, when it comes to you, I remember everything.”
“What does this have to do with the reason you’re here?”
“I’m getting to that,” I say. “I loved you from that first moment I laid eyes on you. So much that it scared the hell out of me. I didn’t know how to deal with all the emotions that came with loving you. Then when Mav died, I saw what love did – the pain that can come from loving someone that much.
“I saw how losing him almost killed Sherri. How vulnerable it made a person. And I panicked. What if I lost you? I didn’t think I could survive it, though Sherri did. Instead of facing my fears, I told myself that if I felt like that, then surely you’d feel like that if anything ever happened to me. So I justified leaving by telling myself I was protecting you from that loss.”
“Well, you didn’t. In fact, it hurt worse than any other pain I’ve ever endured. And what made it worse was I had no closure. You were gone, but you weren’t dead. There was always that fear that one day I could bump into you somewhere and you might very well be with someone else.”
God, her words slay me.
“I know I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again because it bears saying. I’m so, so sorry, sweetness. My twisted logic was telling me I’d save you heartache by leaving, so I did; and in the process lost the best part of myself.
“But then,wewere the ones sent in to rescue you. Of all the SEAL teams they could have sent, they sent us. It’s like it was meant to open my eyes to my own stupidity. When you crumpled to the ground and just lay there after that fucker hit you with his weapon, I about died.”
Swallowing, I grip the back of my neck, remembering that moment Leila crumpled to the ground.
“You lay there, so still, and I couldn’t see you breathing. I thought he’d killed you. Right then I realized how much of an idiot I’d been. You were my everything, and I was the one who’d thrown away our life together because of my fears.”
I pause before laying my heart on the line.
“I understood then that I still loved you and that I will love you until I draw my last breath. If you’d give me the chance, I’d like to spend the rest of my life showing you how much.”
“If I did take a chance and let you back into my life, a life I’ve painstakingly pieced back together, what assurance do I have you won’t run the next time you get scared, Kyle? Life is full of mishaps and accidents. Nothing is guaranteed. Bad things happen to good people. How do I know you won’t run again? Because I will tell you right now, Iwill notsurvive it a second time.”
“All I have is my word. My word has always been my bond. You know that. I promise you, if you give me another chance, I won’t run when things get hard or scary. I love you more than anything. You are everything to me – I am nothing without you. An empty shell going through the motions of life. Existing, not living.”
I see a tear tremble on Leila’s lash, watch as it tumbles over and slides down her pale cheek. And it’s like a knife blade to the heart. “Don’t cry, sweetness. Please. It kills me when you cry.”
