Page 44 of Burn for Me
It had been her reality for the seemingly unending hours she’d waited for them to dig him out of that collapsed building. The agonising uncertainty – was he still alive under all that rubble? Would she ever get to see his heart-stopping smile? Or hear that husky voice that set all her nerve ends tingling?
It had all been too much for her to deal with so, in the heat of the moment, it had seemed smart to walk away. Leaving the relationship before she got in too deep would save so much heartache in the long run. Not having to live with that daily doubt.
Apparently, though, the last laugh was on her. Standing in front of the mirror with Kyle at her shoulder, she’d realised, with the force of a sledgehammer, she was already in too deep. Way too deep. She’d fallen in love with Gray.
Yet Kitty couldn’t quite put her finger on the precise moment she’d tipped over that edge. Somewhere along the way, he’d had crept into her heart. Softly, slowly, she’d fallen. The landing so gentle she hadn’t even felt it.
Now, she was trapped in an unending cycle of emotion. Like a pendulum, emotion swung wildly between certainty and doubt. At the time, she’d been convinced she was doing the right thing for herself. Now, it seemed, she might have done just the opposite.
In hindsight, had she walked away from what could be potentially the best thing in her life? Had she made the biggest mistake of her life, thinking she was protecting herself? She just didn’t know anymore. She was so tired of the constant see-saw of emotion. Thoroughly sick of herself, if she were being completely honest.
She had no idea what the hell she was going to do. Just knew she needed to do something.
* * *
Oh love,please forgive us. We didn’t mean all the things we said. We were just so angry and couldn’t think clearly. We understand now. It was his doing all along. He’s tricked you with his smooth lies into believing that he’s the right one. But it’s okay. We’ll fix it, you’ll see.
Chapter Sixteen
Plans to reopenDecadence were well underway. Kitty had thrown herself into the task of getting her business back up and running as a means of coping with the loneliness. The days were busy and kept the emptiness she felt at bay. But nights were always the hardest. When there was nothing to distract her, and her thoughts would constantly return to her time together with Gray.
The unexpected ringing of her cell phone had Kitty jumping in the silence of the apartment. Looking at the display on her cell, she was surprised to see Gray’s number. Since she’d walked out of his house months ago, she hadn’t heard a word from him. Pressing the green phone to connect, she answered.
“Hi Gray.”
“Hey Kitty. I, ah– I know you asked me not to call, but I just wanted to see how you’re doing.” He was quiet for a moment. “Ah, screw it. If I’m being completely honest, I phoned because I need to hear your voice. I miss you,” he replied in what she thought of as his melted chocolate voice.
Closing her eyes, she let the pain wash through her. She knew how he felt. Missed him so badly it ached. So many times, she’d reached for her phone to call him only to remember she’d couldn’t. And she had no one to blame but herself. She’d been the one to cut all ties, the one to walk away.
Over the past weeks, she’d gone back and forth over her decision. Had she made the right one? Her head told her she had. Living with the fear of his job every day wasn’t something she was sure she could or wanted to live with.
Her heart told her she was a fool. Men like Gray didn’t come along often. He cared about her and wasn’t afraid to show her, or the world, that he did. Had she made the biggest mistake of her life by telling him goodbye?
“I’m sorry, Kitty. You asked me to leave you be. I should have honoured that. I won’t bother you again.”
She’d hurt him by not speaking while silently rehashing her decision – she could hear it clearly in his voice.
“No, no. It’s fine. Sorry, I was distracted for a second. I’m doing okay. How about you? How’s the leg doing?”
“Doing better, thanks. That’s not to say I don’t still have problems with it. But physio is definitely helping. I’m back at work now. I’ve been benched for another couple months. But at least I’ve got things to keep my mind occupied.”
“I’m glad you’re doing better. How’s the case going?”
“Getting there. Kyle’s been helping me sift through reports and evidence, and we’re making some really good progress.”
“That’s great news, Gray. I know this case has been weighing on you.”
“Yeah, but I’m finally starting to feel more optimistic about it. Something’s been niggling at me since this whole torching spree started, and I’ve had an idea that I want to look into. If I’m right, then it’s going to crack this thing wide open.”
“That’s really good news, Gray.” Kitty knew she was repeating herself, but she felt so awkward. She didn’t know what else to say. It wasn’t like she had the right to ask him all the things that she wanted to. That right had been lost the moment she’d ended their relationship. “Well, I know you’re busy, so I’ll let you get back to it.”
A couple heartbeats of silence passed. Then, “Yeah, I should probably get back to it. I’m sorry if I interrupted anything. It’s just— I miss you, honey.”
Gray’s softly spoken words had tears filling Kitty’s eyes. He was a strong, confident man who knew what he wanted from life, and she’d hurt him because she was a coward. Listening to Gray’s words, hearing the emotion in them, she realised just how much she’d hurt him. She’d taken what he’d given her and thrown it back in his face. But damn it, she was hurting too.
Emotion slammed into her with the force of an ocean riptide, leaving her shaken. She hurt because she loved him. She’d panicked when he’d been trapped, injured. That things could have turned out very differently had her running scared. She’d run away rather than risk her heart.Oh god, what had she done? She’d thrown away the opportunity to find a love like her parents had shared in all the years of their marriage. She’d had it in her grasp, and she’d wasted the chance.The thoughts tumbled through her mind.
Maybe all wasn’t lost. After all, Gray had reached out, hadn’t he? The ball was squarely in her court. Did she have the courage to pick it up and engage in the game? If she wanted to see where this could go, she needed to man up.
