Page 42 of Burn for Me
“How much of it did you hear?”
“I think pretty much all of it.” He watched as Kitty swallowed. Almost as if she were swallowing back tears. “I heard what Kyle said about how lucky you were. I mean, I realised that he probably wasn’t telling me everything at the time. But…...” She faltered.
“But what, honey?”
“But I never realised, until this evening, just how much he held back from me.”
Gray watched as Kitty fiddled with her nails. She didn’t look at him. The silence stretched as he waited for her to continue.
“I’m not sure if I’m supposed to respond or…... I’m a bit at a loss here, honey.”
She nodded. Sighed.
“Gray, why don’t you intend talking to anyone about what happened?”
Not what he’d been expecting, Gray took a moment to reply. “I don’t feel like I need to. When I’m ready to go back on active duty, I’ll have to have a debriefing, and that will be sufficient.”
Finally, she lifted her head and looked at him. At the look of devastation on her face, Gray inhaled sharply. It was as if all she was feeling was etched on her face for him to see.
“I’m sorry. I’m not as strong as you. From the moment Kyle arrived on my doorstep to tell me you’d been caught in that cave-in, it felt like my heart took up residence outside my body.”
Gray watched as a tear trembled momentarily on her eyelashes before spilling over. He watched as it tracked down her face. His own heart clutched as he waited for her to continue.
“I lived fear like I have never known each moment I waited for news. And I wondered how others live this reality every single day of their lives. Parents, siblings, partners, spouses watching their loved one leave each day, wondering if it would be the last time. Fear constantly wrapped around your heart and lungs…...”
Kitty’s breath hitched, and her words stumbled to a halt. Gray shuffled forward in his seat to offer her comfort. Shaking her head vehemently, she pulled back from him. Letting his hands fall to his lap, he waited for her to continue. There was much more there. He could see it in her eyes. The knowledge made him feel ill.
He had a suspicion he knew where this conversation was headed. And all he could do was pray he was wrong.
“It feels like you’re living with a vice clamped around your chest. Squeezing, tighter and tighter. Making it so you can’t draw a breath. You can’t breathe, and you feel like you’re about to lose your mind. All you want to do is scream for mercy, for relief, for something. Anything. To take this nightmare away.”
“Kitty, I sorry–”
“I know this is your reality,” she cut Gray off. “I know that this is something that all of you know is a possibility every time you go to work. And, academically, I did too. But nothing prepares you for when it does happen.” The tears flowed faster. “I’m sorry, Gray. I don’t think I can do this every day for the rest of my life. I thought I could. But tonight, I realised I can’t. I’m sorry.”
Knowing what she was saying, but wanting her to tell him he was wrong, Gray spoke.
“Kitty, what are you saying?”
“I’m saying, Gray, that I can’t live this life. I’m done. I’m leaving you.”
He’d seen it coming, and still it hurt like he’d been stabbed in the chest with a hot poker. He’d hoped he was wrong, but he’d known. He’d seen it in her eyes. But god, it hurt to hear her say the words.
“Baby, please don’t do this. Let’s go talk to someone, together. Deal with it together. We can get past this.”
Pain clear in her eyes, her voice little more than a whisper, Kitty replied, “That’s just the thing, Gray. I don’t want to. I don’t want to live like this for the rest of my life. Fear my constant companion.” Rising to her feet, she leaned down to place a soft kiss on his lips. “Goodbye, Gray. Take care of yourself.”
Too stunned to react for a moment, she’d started to straighten when he reached out to stop her.
“Please. Don’t. Don’t make this any harder.”
“Don’t make it any harder? Seriously, Kitty?” The pain stabbed deeper. “You don’t want me to make it harder for you? While you’re the one slicing me open and leaving me bleeding on the floor?”
“I’m sorry,” Kitty whispered as she backed away.
“Seriously?” Gray repeated. “That’s all you have to say? You’re sorry?”
“I have to go.”
