Page 74 of A Beginner's Guide to Forever
“Well, I’m not.” I have to practically force the words from my lips, but they’re true. This isn’t what I want. At least, it’s notallI want. And it’s definitely not how I pictured it. And what about the crap people online are saying about me?
“You don’t mean it.” His voice is shaken. “Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t been having fun.”
My stomach tightens, but I meet his eyes. “I’ve had fun, but that’s all this is, right?”
He hesitates. “What if it wasn’t?” His voice is filled with questions. What-ifs. I don’t have time for what-ifs. We’re at very different places in life. And we always will be.
I turn so I don’t have to see the pain reflected in his brilliant hazel eyes. “You don’t even know what you want—you said so yourself once. You don’t know what you want to do with your life.” I hate throwing these words back at him. He admitted that to me in a quiet moment, confident that I’d never hurl them back at him. And now I have. But I’m too vulnerable right now to do anything else. Hurt people hurt people, a therapist once told me.
He takes my shoulders, turning me so I’m forced to face him once more. “I know one thing I want.”
I’m rattled.Destroyedby the haunted look on his face. For a second I consider throwing all my rules out the window and pulling his mouth to mine. My hands ache to touch him—even just once more. But we don’t make sense.
And as much as this hurts, I truly want what’s best for him.
He’s a gem of a human being. He’s kind and considerate and such a catch.
And I don’t know if what’s best forhimis pushing my own wants, and needs, and timeline on him.
He gets to choose his path—full stop.
“I ...” He hesitates. “Care about you. A lot.”
Care.He wanted to say a different word. I can sense how much he feels for me, that it was right on the tip of his tongue, but it doesn’t matter. Sometimes love isn’t enough.
“I didn’t plan on this happening. I’m sorry,” I whisper.
“You’re sorry? Oh that makes it better.Fuck, Alessia.”
I feel the same way—being with him these last few months was damn near perfect. And while it was a nice fantasy, it can never be reality. I want to hate him for making me feel things I have no right to feel, but hatred isn’t an emotion I can muster where Hart is concerned.
“I’m sorry. I just can’t.”
“So that’s just it then?”
“I guess so. Goodbye, Hart.”
Chapter Nineteen
Bounce Back with Resilience
San Jose, California
After spending a miserably cold and lonely night at the Aspen airport, I finally flew out on the red-eye back to California. I’ve been home for three days now, and I haven’t spoken to Hart, though he’s been on my mind more than I’d like to admit.
Christmas is normally a time I look forward to. This year is different. Rather than feeling excited to decorate the tree and bake Christmas cookies, I feel lost and alone.
I spend a miserable Christmas Day with my parents. It rains the entire day, gray and cold, which is fitting for my mood.
My phone pings with an incoming text message.
Hart:Merry Christmas
I don’t reply. I can’t. It’s too painful.
Later I head over to Scarlet’s. The little ones are still in their matching Christmas pajamas, and they’re eager to show me what Santa brought. Scarlet is nursing the baby, sitting on the couch with a sleepy smile.
A hard knot settles in my throat as I watch them. Will burping the baby high up on his shoulder, his big palm moving over his son’s back. Scarlet singing along to “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” for what is undoubtedly the hundredth time with Chloe. The whole house smells like cinnamon rolls and evergreen boughs and is filled with a deep sense of love and shared purpose. I think about my own empty condo and feel another pang of loneliness.
