Page 57 of Tangled Hearts
I know that. I do. This just fucking sucks. “Okay.”
I look out the window, watching Beck and Nic getting closer. My heart flips in my chest. I hope Nic holds me like last night. I need that, I think. Does it make me bad if all I want is him right now? What if he doesn’t want that?
It doesn’t mean anything.
I swallow hard, my throat aching.
Nic and Dad climb into the car without a word.
Nic looks right at me. I can’t read his expression, but it doesn’t matter because no sooner than he locks eyes with me, he looks away.
I lay my hand face-up on the seat between us, hoping he takes the offer for what it is. He glances at it, then brushes his pinky down my palm. Something about the touch soothes me instantly, but it’s fleeting.
He pulls away, placing his hands in his lap, and looks at the window. I stare at the back of his head. He doesn’t look at me again for the entire ride home.
By the time we pull into the driveway, I’ve had it. I’m pissed. And hurt. Some miserable, fucked-up tangled knot of both. I’m shaking. Hopefully it’s not noticeable. I don’t need my dads’ concern right now. I need to make Nic talk to me. I need to decide if I’m okay with continuing this fucked-up back and forth.
I think… I think I deserve better than this. Better than what I’m getting from him. I’m done.
“Call if you need us, Eli,” Beck says.
I nod, then climb from the car. My legs feel noodly, barely holding me up. Maybe I just need to tell Nic to get his shit and go back to his stupid little fucking hotel room. My heart clangs painfully, stealing my breath. I don’t mean that. Not at all.
I nod at Beck. Wave at them. Try to keep my face neutral. “Love you, guys.”
“We love you too,” they chorus in unison.
I shut the car door. Nic follows behind me like a little lost puppy, which just pisses me off more. I can feel the rage simmering in my blood, threatening to make me explode.
And as soon as we step through the door, I do. All the anger and anxiety and stress burn through me, and I lose my fucking shit. I whirl on Nic, shoving him backward with a hand on his chest. His eyes widen as he stumbles back. “What in the actualfuckis your problem?” I practically yell.
“Myproblem? What is my problem?”
I scoff. “Yes.Yourfucking problem. You don’t get to keep doing this to me!”
Nic looks around. I don’t know what the fuck he’s looking for. “You don’t get to just—just… fucking hold me and whisper stupid shit to me in the dark and then turn around and treat me like shit.”
Nic lets out an incredulous laugh. “I’m not treating you like shit.”
“Yes. Yes you are! How do you not see that?”
He throws his hands up in the air, then tries to shove his way past me. I grab his arm. “You’re not going anywhere, Nic. Fuck. That.” He pulls away from me. I think that would probably hurt my feelings if Iwasn’t so fucking mad. “You’re a fucking liar.” If I was expecting him to take the bait, I was mistaken.
He starts pacing, pulling on his hair. “Fucking talk to me! Stop ignoring me!” I shout, my irritation spiraling out of control.
“No.”
I recoil like he’s physically hit me. “What do you meanno?”
“I’m not ignoring you. I can’t stop ignoring you if I’m not fucking ignoring you, Eli.”
“Wrong. Youareignoring me. You wouldn’t even look at me.” My voice cracks. I fucking hate that my voice cracks. “You said you wouldn’t let go, and you did.” My voice turns wobbly, tears burning my eyes. “You lied to me. You wouldn’t even look at me,” I whisper.
He turns to me, eyes wild and burning. “You don’t get it, Eli. You don’t fucking understand.”
“Then make me, goddammit!”
Before I can process, Nic’s in my face, inches from me, his warm breath gusting over my lips. His hands cup my face, and even though I’m mad and hurt, I melt. “They’re going to see, Eli. Don’t you get it?”
