Page 56 of Tangled Hearts
“Holden?” I ask, looking at him.
Beck nods. “Yeah, that’s his story to tell, though. I’m sure he will one day. Roman, though. Piece of shit dad. Bad upbringing. Physical abuse. Emotional abuse. If you can imagine it, he probably went through it. It could have broken him, but he didn’t let it. He started The Hart Foundation instead. He built something beautiful out of what happened to him. And Eli is a direct product of that.”
I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything at all. I’m not sure if it’s wise. “Eli trusts you.”
He shouldn’t. “Yeah,” I croak.
“I won’t ask you to betray that trust. But… is he struggling? Is this common? Are we missing something?”
“The panic attacks?”
Beck stops, so I stop too, turning to face him. This is not a dad about to read me the riot act for my inappropriate feelings for his son. This is a dadworriedand heartbroken for his child. “Is he having a hard time?”
I shake my head. “I don’t think so.” At least he hasn’t been. The last few days. It feels like a lie, though, because he’s not very okay right now, and it’s my fault.
“Nightmares?”
This is twice now that nightmares have been brought up. I shake my head. “I don’t think so.”
Beck laughs, but it sounds sad. “Trust me, you’d know. I’m surprised. I don’t know what happened yesterday, but I was up half the night with a screaming Roman.” My mind flips back to a sad and crying Eli coming in the front door after work last night. “He hasn’t wanted to talk about it yet. When Eli was younger and still lived with us, if they had a bad day, it was like a cruel game in the middle of the night. Me bouncing from room to room, trying to keep them both safe from the monsters while they slept. I’m glad Eli’s not having nightmares.”
Me fucking too. But I can’t help but wonder if the reason he didn’t is that he slept with me. Beck’s right. I would have noticed with how tightly I had him wrapped in my arms, how close his body was to mine.
“Thank you,” Beck says, devastating me. “Thank you for taking care of him. I don’t have words for how much I appreciate it.”
That about does me in. He’sthanking me.I don’t deserve his thanks. I have to stop this. I can’t be this person. They saw their sonfall apart in my arms, and they didn’t see anything wrong. They just saw me taking care of him. None of my feelings. Because they fucking trust me. Because they think I’m fucking good. Something cold settles in my stomach.
I follow Beck the rest of the way down, my heart pounding furiously and my feet feeling like lead weights.
They saw me, my naked feelings—holding, touching, and whispering to their son. Like he’s mine. Like I have any fucking right to touch him.
They saw safety.
They sawfamily.
I’m a fucking fraud.
Chapter 20
Eli
Holden helps me climb into the back seat of the car. His eyes are full of worry, but I really can’t think about that. “I’m okay, Uncle Hold.”
He studies me, then finally nods, planting a kiss on my forehead. “Please call me tonight, little bestie. I’m worried about you.”
“I know. I’ll be alright.”
My voice sounds wooden and hollow, even to my own ears, and it must not help Uncle Hold because his brow furrows. “I know you’ll be alright. You’re tough as nails, but I’m still worried and I’m allowed to worry. Call me anyway. It doesn’t have to be a long talk, okay? Just check in with me?”
I nod. That seems to be enough for Holden because he pulls me into a hug, squeezing me tightly before letting me go and kissing my forehead again. “Sorry for ruining the day,” I whisper.
He shakes his head and cups my face. “You didn’t ruin anything, little bestie. Impossible. Are you sure you don’t want us to come home with you?”
“Yeah, I’m sure.” I don’t want to take any more from them. I mostly just want to go home and go to bed. Maybe if I fall asleep and wake up, I can pretend it’s a new day and start over.
Holden sighs and steps away from the car, glancing at me over his shoulder again. Roman gets in the car. “Sorry, Dad.”
He turns around to look at me. “Stop apologizing, Eli. We don’t do that.”
