Page 49 of Tangled Hearts
I get it. I don’t fully. But I think I do. Wanting something you can’t have. Wanting something that doesn’t fucking belong to you. And I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t just blow up everyone’s lives the way you did, though.
I backspace again. Fuck this.
Chapter 18
Eli
What a fucking liar.
That’s all. That’s the whole thing.
Only it’s not. Nic didn’t actually promise me anything at all. But itfeltlike he did. He held me when I asked. He touches me like I’m special. But I’m not. I’m clearly not.
Kassie whines, pressing her head under my chin. “I’m okay, girl.”
She whines again, her tail thumping on my bed. She knows I’m lying. I know I’m lying.
I just don’t get it. What did I do wrong? I know I’m not exactly my normal, happy self tonight. Iknowthat.
There’s an anxious pit in my stomach—the fucked-up part of me that wants to try to fix my mistakes. I’m not going to let it win, though. I can’t. I won’t ever beg someone to want me again.
I won’t ever lower myself to that.
But God, I fucking want to. I want to go to the living room and fix it. Ask what I did wrong, see if I can salvage it. Figure out whyNic pulled away from me. Why he decided I wasn’t worth his comfort anymore.
I try to stay in my bed. I do. Like hand to God, I don’t plan on getting up, but my feet are carrying me to the living room before I can think better of it. It’s dark and quiet, which must mean Nic already went to bed. Of course he did. My distress means nothing to him.
What did I expect? That he would be in here, agonizing over me? That’s fucking laughable.
I tiptoe down the hall, feeling like a kid. I take a deep breath and knock on Nic’s door. He doesn’t answer, so I stand there, nibbling on my bottom lip. I should just go back to bed. I’m turning to do just that when the door swings open.
Nic’s exposed torso is bathed in the soft light from his lamp, his eyes distant and a little sad. He actually looks like he’s been crying, which doesn’t make any fucking sense. He’s the one pulling away from me. What does he have to be sad about?
“Hey, doll. You okay?”
“Don’t fucking call me that,” I snap, but my voice cracks around the words and my eyes well up with tears. Goddammit.
“I’m sorry, Eli. Are you okay?”
“No.” Even I’m surprised by how easy it was to tell the truth. “Can I come in?”
Nic watches me for a second, something flashing in his eyes, then he steps back and lets me in.
He sits down on the edge of his bed and pats the spot next to him. My body is practically vibrating with how badly I want to fix things, but I don’t sit down. I pace instead. “I don’t know what I did wrong,” I start, my eyes burning. I try my best to fight the tears back. Iwill notcry. “Please let me fix it. Please,” I croak, throat aching.
Nic’s eyes go wide. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”
Somehow, that’s even worse. If I didn’t do anything wrong, then how do I fix it? My heart lodges itself in my throat, my old fears about not being good enough resurfacing. My thoughts spiral into the fear of being given away, of Beck and Roman changing their minds about me. About Holden and Julian seeing that I’m not worth their care.
My pacing comes to an abrupt halt when Nic grasps my arm and turns me around. Suddenly, I’m surrounded by warmth. Safe. Fucking safe. My mind quiets. My heart rate slows. Then he opens his mouth and ruins it all. “Get in bed, Eli.”
I pull myself from his hold, the cold dismissal making my stomach fall straight to the floor. I take a shaky step away from him, then another. “Where are you going?” Nic asks. I ignore him, trying to get my legs to just fuckingworkthe way they’re supposed to. Nic grabs me again, rougher this time. “Stop. Where are you going?”
“To bed,” I spit out. I sound childish. Fitting, considering he’s treating me like I’m a fucking child.
My feet leave the ground, and I thrash against the way Nic is holding me. “My bed, Eli.”
The words stun me and I stop fighting, my body going lax. Nic’s arms are wrapped around my chest, my back to his front. I can feel the ragged rise and fall of his chest. Slowly, he lowers me to the ground. “Are you going to run away from me again?”
