Page 47 of Tangled Hearts
Eli doesn’t let go. I don’t either. Not for a long moment, anyway. When we finally do, I sit down, and he suctions himself to my side, damn near in my lap, with his face pressed against my throat. He doesn’t speak, and against my better judgement, my fingers slide into his hair. This is new. It feels intimate. More intimate than touching his bare skin, which makes no sense. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“No.”
Eli pushes his head further into my hand, like a cat, and it makes me smile.
“Do you want me to tell Holden we can’t come tonight?”
He shakes his head. “No. I’ve already let him down enough lately.” I don’t think he could ever let Holden down, and I’m about to tell him so when he sits up and looks around the living room. “I’m gonna go get ready. I’m sure I look fucking gross. I need to clean myself up.”
Sure, he’s a little splotchy, and his eyes are a little swollen. I take a deep breath. “I think you look radiant.”
Eli’s eyes widen. “Thank you, but still.” He waves a hand in front of his face, like I’m supposed to see something besides perfection. “I’ll be ready to go in a few minutes.”
I nod. “Take your time, doll. I’ll take Miss Kassie out while you’re changing.”
Eli stands, wiping at his already dry eyes in a self-conscious gesture, then he gives me a little wave and disappears into his bedroom.
The fucked-up weight of my feelings is still dragging me down when we pull into Holden and Julian’s driveway, but I plaster a smile on my face the second we walk through the door.
Holden greets us, smiling brightly. “Hey, guys. Julian’s finishing up dinner.” It takes him one second to clock Eli’s mood—which hasn’t improved much. “What’s wrong?”
Eli shakes his head, then shrugs. “Just a bad day, Uncle Hold. It was bad for Dad too. He’s probably getting babied by Other Dad at home right now.”
Holden steps forward and tenderly cups Eli’s face. The gesture makes my heart clench. “Do you need to be babied some too, little bestie?”
Eli lets out a wet laugh but nods. Holden wraps Eli in a tight hug, and Eli relaxes. When Eli starts to pull back, Holden lets him, but he grabs his hands. The concern marring his features has me feeling cold inside. I can’t fuck this up. Eli doesn’t need me. Not like this. And what’s more, he shouldn’t. So why the fuck do I want him to so badly? “Come on, let’s go cuddle in my room for a bit.” Almost as an afterthought, Holden glances at me. “You can go hang out with Julian if you want.”
I nod, too stunned to do much of anything else. I make my way into the kitchen, and Julian turns around, his face falling when he sees I’m alone. “Where are the other two?”
“Eli had a rough day, so Holden took him to cuddle.” My voice doesn’t even sound like my own, and Julian must notice it, because he frowns.
“They have a special relationship, those two.” He turns, going back to his cooking. “Holden pulled him out of his shell in a lot of ways. Sometimes I swear they speak a language no one else gets.”
I laugh, but it sounds all wrong. “I can believe that.”
Julian stirs something in the pot. It smells good, but I’m not sure that I can eat. I’m too nauseous, my stomach too twisted with guilt. “We all wanted to help, of course,” he says, not looking at me. “And we all did in our own ways, I think. In those early days, though? That kid wanted Uncle Holden and no one else.”
That kid.The knife in my gut twists deeper. Of course that’s how they see him. That’s not at all how I see him. Not anymore. I’m not sure that I ever can again. Not sure if I’ll ever be able to look at him and see anything other thanmine.He’s not mine, though. He’s not, and I need to get that thought out of my head.
Julian finishes up and turns the stove off, taking the pan off the heat. “I’ll go see if they’re ready to come out. We may be eating alone tonight.” He winks as he passes me, and my chest tightens to the point of pain.
Five minutes later, the three of them return. Eli’s eyes find me immediately, but I can’t look at him. My emotions are too close to the surface. The longing is too visceral, so I look away.
Eli takes his place at the table beside me. I don’t know how it ended up that way, and I hate it. If only because Holden and Julian are sitting across from us and I’m terrified that my every emotion is going to be all over my face.
How could it not be, though? When every piece of my soul is reaching for him, wanting to comfort him, just fuckingwantinghim.
Eli leans closer, like he’s going to rest his head on my shoulder. If we were home, I’d be okay with that, but we’re not, and I can’t let Holden and Julian see how much I care about Eli. There’s no way itwon’t be broadcast all over my face, so I jerk quickly away from him. The response in him is instantaneous.
His green eyes, swimming with hurt, meet mine. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, shame tinting his voice.
I should tell him not to apologize. Should pull him into me and hold him. Should take away the hurt, but Holden’s gaze is burning into the side of my face, so I smile. I nod. “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
Eli watches me for a second, then turns back to his plate. He mostly just pushes his food around, not eating. I force myself to appear normal. Force myself to put bite after bite into my mouth. To chew and swallow, even though it tastes like nothing.
“So,” Holden says, breaking the silence. “Warren is taking a plane ride next month.”
“Like a regular plane?” Eli asks, pushing his food to the other side of his plate.
