Page 129 of Tangled Hearts
Nic swallows hard, his throat bobbing. “I’m sorry.”
I don’t need him to be sorry. I need him to know that I can be there for him just as much as he’s been there for me. I push to my feet and hold my hand out to him. “Come on.”
“Where?” he questions, but he gives me his hand and lets me help him to his feet.
“To bed. The man I love is sad. This calls for cuddles.”
He lets out a choked laugh. “Not everything can be solved with cuddles, Eli.”
Of course not. I know that. “No, you’re right. But it sure does fucking help.”
I lead him back to the bedroom and climb into the bed. After getting the pillows situated against the headboard, I lean back against them and spread my legs. Nic eyes me warily from where he’s standing beside the bed. “Well, come on then.”
His lips curve into a smile, and then he crawls up between my legs, resting his head over my heart. My hands find their way into his hair, and I let the waves slip through my fingers as I run them through the strands.
He sinks into my embrace, his breath shuddering out of him. “You know you don’t always have to be in control, right? You’re allowed to lean on me too. I can handle it.”
“I know,” he whispers. “But it’s not like you can do anything about it, and why burden you if I don’t have to?”
I let one of my hands drop from his hair to run my fingers over his nape and down his back. “Maybe I can’t do anything about it, but I can still be here for you. I can still take care of you.”
Nic sighs. “It’s just… all the stuff with Holden. I told him it doesn’t change how I see him, and it doesn’t.” He raises up to look into my eyes. “It doesn’t, Eli. I don’t think he’s less than because of his trauma. Fuck no. Of course not.”
I give him a small smile. “I know that. And so does he.”
His eyes squeeze closed, and then he drops his head down, scooting up a little until he can press his face against my throat. It makes me smile. I kind of like being the cuddler instead of the cuddlee. I like being Nic’s safe space the way he’s mine.
“I hate it. Like, I hate that he went through that. I hate that you could have. It just makes me feel so privileged, and I hate that.”
“You do realize that trauma’s not some badge of honor, right? And I can’t speak for Holden, but I’m fucking thrilled that you never went through anything like we did. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to help kids like me, trying to prevent them from falling through the cracks and suffering my fate, Holden’s fate, and my dad’s fate. In some ways, evenI’mprivileged. Not everyone gets adopted into families like mine. Not everyone has someone buy their first house or their first car. Not everyone has Beck and Roman.”
He’s quiet for a second. “I just… I wish I could do more.”
“Do you want to know the best thing you can do with your privilege?” I ask, grazing my nails over his scalp.
He pulls his face from my neck and blinks down at me. “Yes.”
“Use it,” I say softly.
His eyes go round. “How?”
“In all the ways you already do. You don’t have to fix the past, Nic. You can’t. And I wouldn’t want you to. Holden wouldn’t either. Our lives weren’t always filled with joy and love, but those experiences shaped us; they made us who we are. Maybe it’s a hot take, but I wouldn’t change anything about my life. If my bio dad hadn’t abused me, I wouldn’t have shown up at The Hart Foundation. I wouldn’t have been adopted. I wouldn’t have metyou.”
His eyes well up with tears, and my heart thuds hard against my ribs.
“Keep showing up at The Hart Foundation. Keep showing up for kids who need you at Safe Haven. Keep being a safe space. Keep loving Holden. Love him for the fierce, protective, sometimes broken person he is. Use that privilege to love with your whole heart and make the world just a little better everywhere you go.”
Nic blinks, and a tear runs slowly down his cheek. “God, Eli. You are so perfect.”
I’m really not, but I love that he thinks so. I press a gentle kiss to his lips. “Not even close.”
He kisses me again, resting his forehead against mine as our lips move against each other. It’s slow and soft and kind of everything. No, I wouldn’t change a single thing. Everything in my life led me to right here, and right here is pretty damn perfect.
Nic’s tongue brushes my bottom lip, and the feeling makes my heart skip a beat.
I open to him, offering him more, and he slips his tongue past my lips, deepening the kiss. It’s reverent, almost like he’s worshiping me. God, I could just kiss him forever and be happy. Could have him like this and never want for anything ever again.
I longed for love like this. To be seen and cared for. To be touched like this. And now I have it. I havehim.
