Page 119 of Tangled Hearts
“You still are,” I assure him. “I mean, I’ve been worried. Of course I have. But you still are.”
He closes his eyes for a second, breathing deeply. “Our father kicked me out when I was fourteen.” My heart sinks. He opens his eyes, staring at me for a second before he looks away. “I did… things. Things I’m not proud of.”
“You were a kid.” It doesn’t matter what he did. He was a child. He needed parents and love and happiness.
He nods. “Yeah, that’s what they all tell me. And I was. I’ve made peace with that. With what I’ve done.”
I’m not sure I even want to know. I’m not sure my heart can handle it. I’m not sure my stomach can, either, since it’s hurting, but I can’t help asking, “Did someone hurt you?”
He lets out a hollow laugh. “A lot of someones, Nic.” He looks away from me, gaze fixed on something across the room. “Some wanted to pretend I was younger. Some wanted power over me. Some wanted to play games with me. Some just wanted to hurt me. Some acted like they were doing me a favor.”
My throat tightens to the point of pain. I feel sick.
“I forgot about one, though. Apparently. It’s funny how the mind can trick you.”
He chokes on a breath, losing control of his emotions as his face twists in pain, and then he slowly brings his hand to his throat. “He choked me,” he whispers, his eyebrows drawing together. “I didn’t remember it, but then I saw… You had—” He stops, gasping to catch his breath.
Oh fuck.
I had my hand on Eli’s throat.
This is my fault.
It’s all my fucking fault.
My breath catches, and my eyes burn as tears well up and spill over my lashes. I did this. I fucking did this. Oh God. “I—”
Holden faces me. “It’s not your fault.”
I nod. It is, though.It is.
“It’s not.” His voice is firm. The strongest I’ve heard it since he showed up. “You didn’t know. Hell,Ididn’t know. Not until that. Not until the memory came back.”
I cover my mouth with my free hand, trying to force back the sobs that want to break free of my chest.
“It was like,” he continues, swallowing hard. “I couldn’t breathe. When it came back, it was like it was happening again. There wasn’t air, and I was trying to get his hands away from my throat.” That makes so much sense. Flashes of him clawing at his throat rush through my mind, making my stomach revolt. “It wasn’t you. It was him. I remember his hands. I remember not being able to breathe. And then… I—” His hand trembles in mine, and I give it a little squeeze. When he speaks again, his voice is low and laced with pain. “When I woke up, my pants were around my ankles, and I…hurt.But I don’t remember what happened in between. And I just… I saw you and Eli, and it unlocked it, and it all came back.”
“Holden.” His name is all I can get as everything crashes into me. What he went through. What he’sstillgoing through. How I triggered him. I believe him. It wasn’t my fault. I couldn’t have known. It sounds like none of us could have.
“Does it change things? The way you see me?” he asks, voice cracking and thick. “Do you think I’m—is it… Do you think…”
I can’t stand this. I let go of his hand and tug him into my arms. He comes immediately, which is good because, in hindsight, I probably shouldn’t have touched him without asking. But he melts into me, pressing his face against my shoulder as sobs wrack his body.
It’s only when my chest heaves that I realize I’m crying too. “No. Nothing changes. You’re my brother. Nothing changes.”
He nods against me, his entire body shaking as he cries. We stay wrapped around each other for who knows how long before he finallysits back, wiping at his face and shaking out his hands. “I’m so tired of crying. I’ve been crying for two days.”
“I’m sorry.” I clear my throat, trying to knock the knot there loose.
“Not your fault,” he says again. He slumps back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling. “Is Eli okay?”
“I think so. He was pretty upset. He stayed with Beck and Roman the first night.”
“Not with you?” Holden asks, looking at me out of the corner of his eye.
I shake my head. “No. I, um, left. Just kind of ran out. I shouldn’t have, but I did. Beck came and dragged me away from myself and took me home with him.”
Holden gets a tired smile on his lips. “Yeah, he’s good at that.”
