Page 53 of Tangled Hearts
Well shit. Okay. I guess that’s that. Probably for the best.
I follow them wordlessly out to the car. How the fuck am I supposed to spend the entire day around them and hide my feelings? Really fucking carefully, I guess. I take a breath and climb into the back seat, closing the door behind me. Eli climbs in beside me and buckles himself in. He seems totally unaffected.
I wish I could feel that way. I’m still spiraling from last night. The whole fucking thing. I slept so goddamn well. Even if I woke up with a throbbing cock.It doesn’t mean anything. Yeah fucking right, tell that to my nightly jerk-off sessions in the shower.
“Ready?” Roman asks, turning to glance at us.
I nod, and Eli says, “Yep.”
The drive to Holden’s is quiet, but when we step in the front door, it quickly becomes clear it won’t stay that way. Warren is screamingbecause Wren broke his model plane. Julian is promising him they can build another one. Holden is rubbing his temples. Wren looks devastated.
Eli notices. Of course he does. He pulls her to the side and hugs her, whispering something to her that I can’t hear. Beck and Roman are talking to Holden, and I’m alone. Even though I’m not, I still am. That’s okay. I’m building a place in this family. Slowly but surely. I can’t just walk in and expect to fit in the same way all of them do. It’ll take time.
I have nothing but that. Hopefully. As long as I can keep my hands off Eli. I’ll have a one-way fucking ticket out of here if I can’t.
After everyone calms down and we’re on the road, I find out we’re going hiking. In the actual fucking mountains. I’m excited, even though I’m still apprehensive about the… whole situation.
“It’s so gorgeous up here,” Eli says, bouncing on his toes when we get out.
Holden and Julian help the kids out of the car, and Julian hands me and Beck each a backpack, then takes one for himself. “Snacks, water, emergency supplies.” He winks. “We’re taking a small circuit, so besides water, I’m not expecting us to need anything else. But with these kids? Who fucking knows?”
I laugh. “Fair. Thank you.” I toss the backpack over my shoulder, and we start walking up the trail together. The kids run ahead. Warren keeps pausing, picking things up, and putting them in his pockets. I’m curious, so I catch up to him. “Watcha got there, buddy?”
He pulls a fist out of his pocket, showing me a handful of acorns. He smiles, skipping off ahead of me again.
It’s beautiful out here. Peaceful. I’m really out of breath, though, so I glance around, slightly confused about how this “small circuit” is kinda kicking my ass.
Roman steps up beside me. “It’s the elevation.”
“What?” I ask, my chest burning a little.
“You can’t breathe.” He laughs. “It’s the elevation. If you’re not used to it? It can really fuck you up.”
Ah. That makes so much sense. Eli comes up to my other side, brushing against me and causing me to suck in a breath. “Yeah, it takes some getting used to. But you will eventually. Unless you leave. Then I guess it won’t much matter.”
I stay quiet because what can I really say? I don’t plan on leaving, but I’ve pissed him off. Iknowthat. But what’s the alternative? Ruining this perfect family with my fucked-up wants?
Roman falls out of step with us, and when I glance over my shoulder, he’s back with Holden, Julian, and Beck. Eli bumps my shoulder. “You’re quiet today.”
I hum.
“Thinking about last night?” he asks, his voice laced with fake innocence.
My stomach drops. “Don’t do that.”
He laughs, but it doesn’t sound like he actually finds anything funny. “Don’t what? Don’t talk about how you wrapped me up in your arms and made me feel like I mattered and then told me it didn’t fucking mean anything?”
“Eli,” I say. I can’t tell if I’m begging him to stop or if I want him to keep going. If he pushes it and crosses the line, it’s not as bad, right? But that’s fucked up.Wantinghim to cross a line so I can get what I want without the guilt. It’s fucking wrong is what it is.
“You didn’t have to do that, you know?” he says, glancing at me. “You could have ignored me when I knocked. You could have turned me away. Anything would have been better than you touching me like you fucking want me and then acting like this after.”
“Acting like what?” I ask. Fuck. I’m giving him a reaction. I’m notsupposedto be giving him a reaction.
“Be fucking for real, Nicolas. You know exactly how you’re acting.”
“You guys okay?” Roman asks, effectively sending me into a spiral.
“Fine,” I call back. I lower my voice, looking over at Eli. “That’s enough, Eli.”
