Page 46 of Tangled Hearts
Outside of her office door, Dad gives me a hug. I sink into his embrace, letting myself take comfort from him.
I wish Nic was here.
Wow. What a fucking thought.
“Do you want to come home with me tonight, kiddo?” Dad whispers into my hair. “You can sleep with me and Beck.”
A sad smile forms on my lips. “No. I’m going to Uncle Holden’s with Nic for dinner tonight.”
Besides, I really want to get home to Nic. Something about his quiet comfort just… settles me. Dad squeezes me a little tighter. “If you change your mind, you can show up anytime, okay? I know days like this are hard. Especially when the outcome isn’t what any of us were hoping for.”
I nod, then step out of his hold. “I need to get home. I don’t want to make Nic late for dinner. He’s working really hard to build his relationship with Hold. I don’t want to mess that up for them.”
Dad cups my face, tilting my head back until I look at him. “It’s not on you to maintain their relationship.”
I know that, but still. “Yeah, you’re right.”
Dad studies me for a second. “Alright, kiddo. I love you. Let me know if you need me tonight, okay?”
I tell him that I will and step out into the parking lot.
In my car, I just sit for a second, trying to get my thoughts in order, trying to keep myself calm. By the time I’m on the road, my eyes are burning. I won’t cry. I refuse.
Only I’m not sure if I can help it. I bite the inside of my cheek, trying to force away the emotion. My chest hitches, though, and a sob breaks free. My hands shake where I’m gripping the steering wheel, and my heart aches. It’s not fair. The world isn’t fair, but this especially isn’t fair. Nothing about it.
This drive is taking forever, and it’s worse because I’m having to drive slowly since everything is so blurry. I just want Nic. I want him to wrap his arms around me. I want him to tell me everything will be okay. I want to feelsafeagain. And he makes me feel that. He makes me feel so safe.
I can’t stop my thoughts from straying to Jaime. To the memory of him coming into Safe Haven. How scared he was.
And now he’s going back. Back into an environment that I myself barely survived. I know this reaction is probably a manifestation of my own trauma. I know I shouldn’t try to project my trauma on Jaime,but that’s the funny thing about triggers. They don’t give a fuck if it’s something happening to you that’s triggering you or not.
Chapter 17
Nic
Iscrub a hand over my face while I wait for Eli to come home. My stomach is a mess of nerves and knots. Honestly, I’m a mess in general. What the fuck am I thinking? For three nights, Eli has fallen asleep in my lap while I’ve mapped every inch of him from his neck to his waist. For three nights, I’ve carried him to bed, pulled the blankets around him, and watched him before dragging myself away. For three nights I’ve fought to keep my morals and won—thankfully—and managed to not cross any lines I can’t come back from.
I’ve come close. Every time he arches into my touch. Every time he looks at me with sleepy green eyes. Every time he practically begs me not to stop.
He fits in my lap and under my hands like he’s mine. But he’snot,and hecan’tbe. And that’s fucking awful. If Silas even felt a fraction of this for Leo… well, not that I’d forgive him, but I’d certainly understand it a little more.
I’ve explored his skin, every rough and soft patch—within the space I’ve allowed myself, of course. I can’t want more. But God help me,I fucking do. I want everything. Him. His soft smiles and his fiery defenses. I want his snark and his humor and his quietly told admissions—the trauma he holds close to his chest. I’m losing my willpower. Losing the fight against the ache clawing at the inside of my chest.
I’m fucking terrified. Terrified that he’s going to stop looking at me the way he does. Terrified that he’s going tokeepdoing it.Terrified that one day he’s going to settle those pretty green eyes on me, and I’m going to lose my ability to fight.
I’ll do something stupid. Like kiss him. Like try to keep him. But he’s not mine to keep. And if I cross that line, if I let myselfgo there,I’ll never come back from the edge.
I can’t keep going down this path. What does it say about me if I break Holden’s trust by feeling this way? Everything, I fear. It says fucking everything. And not good things. I need space. I need to be able to breathe without my lungs being filled with Eli.
The door opens, and my heart tumbles, all my previous thoughts burned into ash at the sight of a tear-stained Eli walking through the door. I’m in front of him in seconds. “What’s wrong?”
He steps forward and rests his forehead against my collarbone. He sniffles, and I actually get weak in the knees at how fucking hard I’m fighting to keep my composure. “Hold me, please.” Jesus fucking Christ. My arms are around him instantly. He melts. Fuck, he always melts. “I had a bad day.”
I squeeze him tighter, one arm around his shoulders, the other around his waist. This is the opposite of what I should be doing. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. I press my lips against his hair and take a slow, measured breath. “What can I do to help?”
Eli shivers, trying to force his way deeper into my arms. “You’re doing it. God, I couldn’t wait to get home because I knew this would be waiting for me.” My heart swells. Tumbling, tumbling, tumbling.Losing the fight. Losing my restraint. Losing myself. “Can we sit down?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
