Page 25 of Tangled Hearts
Eli’s face twists into heartbreak, and my heart gives a heavy pang at the innocent question. When Eli’s eyes find mine, I mouth, “Dead?”to him. It might not be the most tactful way to ask, but I’m not going to ask it out loud.
He nods, so I scoot forward a few feet. Maybe it’s not my place, but I feel like I can help her. Or at least try to. That’s the whole point of volunteering, right? “Hey, Lexi?” She pulls her head from Eli’s body and looks at me. “I lost my mom too.”
Surprise flickers across her face, her eyes welling up again. “Did it make you sad?”
My throat tightens to the point of pain, so I nod, then clear it. “So sad.”
Her lips press together in a hard line, then her chin quivers. “Am I going to be sad forever? Miss Sasha says it will get better, but I think I might be broken.”
I shake my head, scooting a little closer. Eli is watching me; I can feel his eyes, but I don’t look up at him. I keep my gaze locked on Lexi. On this little girl with too much hurt at such a young age. “You’re not broken. It’s special, yeah?” I swallow hard. “Your hurt is big because your love was big. That’s normal. The more you love someone, the more it hurts when you lose them.”
She nods. “Do you ever feel your mommy?” The question is whisper-soft, and it makes my heart ache.
I hold out a hand, and she pulls herself away from Eli the smallest bit, placing her tiny one in mine. “All the time.” I give her fingers a gentle squeeze. “Sometimes, I’ll catch a hint of her perfume in the air, or I’ll hear her favorite song on the radio. But sometimes, it’s my choice to look for her. Like when the fireflies are out at night. She used to love watching the fireflies, and when I see them, I always think of her.”
Lexi nods, looking down at our hands, then back at me. “So she’s still with you?”
“Yes. Not in the same way. But she’s still here with me.” I place my free hand over my heart. “Just like your mommy is still here with you,” I add, pointing to her chest.
She blinks at me for a few seconds, tears gathering on her lower lashes before spilling down her face, then she’s diving off the bed and collapsing into my arms. I catch her, instinct taking over, and I press my cheek to the top of her head. I close my eyes, trying to soothe her as she falls apart in my arms, her sobs shaking her entire body and her hand fisted in the fabric of my t-shirt.
I don’t tell her not to be sad. Why would I? I just hold her close and let her spill her grief onto me, let her have a moment where she gets to be and share her pain with someone who knows exactly how she feels. I’m not at all surprised when I feel a tear drip from the corner of my eye and run down my temple toward her hair.
When I open my eyes, my gaze finds Eli. He’s got a sad little smile on his lips, and his eyes are wet with tears. “Thank you,” he mouths.
He doesn’t need to thank me. I see Lexi. Her pain. It’s my own. Maybe not in the same way because she’s a kid and I’m an adult with emotional regulation skills, but that pain still lives in me—so deep in my bones, I’m pretty sure it’ll never go away. I nod anyway, though. Just to let him know I’m not ignoring him.
Lexi’s cries have tapered off to soft hiccups, and within a few minutes, her breathing evens out. The poor thing wore herself out. Her weight grows heavier, her fingers going lax and falling from my shirt. “Is she asleep?” I whisper.
Eli climbs off the bed and sits on the floor beside me, leaning into my space, and uses his finger to smooth Lexi’s hair off her face. “Yeah,” he whispers back.
I shift, turning myself around so I can sit against the bed, adjusting her in my arms until she’s in a more comfortable position. She doesn’teven stir, just rests her head on my chest, letting out a shuddering sigh in her sleep.
Eli stays in front of me for a second, but then he comes around beside me, his shoulder pressed to mine. “Thank you,” he says again, out loud this time.
Instead of accepting his gratitude, I glance at him. “You should call your dad. I don’t know how long she’ll be asleep, but I’m not leaving her until she wakes up.”
Eli stares at me for a few seconds but finally nods, and after he texts his dad, we fall into silence side by side. The weight of Lexi’s grief is still oppressive in the room. Or maybe it’s my own. It doesn’t really matter. I’ll sit in it with her. I already know that Lexi is important to Eli, but all it took was twenty minutes and a shared grief loop, and just like that, she’s important to me too.
I have no idea how long we sit together on the floor, but my ass is going numb and my arm is aching from holding Lexi when Eli adjusts and turns to look at me. “We’re not going to the foundation today. Dad told me to stay here. So when Lexi wakes up and we feel like we can leave, I’ll take you back to your car.”
“Okay,” I say softly.
We lapse back into silence. I can almosthearEli’s brain working, though. I sit patiently, waiting to see if he’s going to ask me questions, but he doesn’t. His shoulder is still pressed against mine and it feels grounding. This was not what I expected when I showed up here today, but I’m so thankful that the universe put this little girl in my path. That the universe put Holden in my path, actually, because it led me to this exact moment.
Me
It was two days ago and now I can’t stop thinking about it. She just fell asleep right in my arms, Si. It was so heartbreaking and sweet. And I’m really starting to like Eli. I feel like it’s going to be a problem for me.
I blink at the message I’ve typed, then backspace. I don’t know why I keep typing half-cocked messages to Silas. For one, he’s not my friend. Not anymore. And for two, it’s not like I’m even going to send it. It doesn’t even help the loneliness like I thought it would. Not in any real way.
All it does is make me feelmorealone.
I’ve talked to Holden a little, but his last text was short and sweet. That he was swamped at work and would call when he got some time. I haven’t texted him since.
I sigh, tossing my phone onto the bed. It lands in the center where it dips down. The first night I got here, the room didn’t seem all that bad, but I was exhausted and anxious about meeting Holden. Now, though, all the imperfections are making themselves known. The dip in the center of the bed being one. The microwave that randomly beeps in the middle of the night and scares the shit out of me. And then the light that keeps flickering on and off in the bathroom.
If I believed in ghosts, I’d be convinced it’s haunted. As it stands? It’s mostly just really fucking annoying.
