Page 2 of Tangled Hearts
When my feet carry me to the front door so I can leave, Silas gets a hopeful expression on his face and his arms come up like he’s going to hug me. I hold a hand up. If he touches me, I’m going to unravel, and I can’t have that. I don’t need his comfort. Not anymore. I’m not sure why he’d assume I’d even want it after what he did. “I hope the two of you have many happy years together.”
I slip past them and out the door, climbing into my Jeep without another word and back out of the driveway. I keep my eyes focused on the road, even though I want nothing more than to lift my gaze to the rearview mirror.
I’m moving forward now, and nothing good will come from trying to catch another glimpse of my past.
Driving across the country is more peaceful than I thought it would be. I’ve never traveled much. Not that I didn’twantto. I just never really had any time to go anywhere. First, I was busy in school and trying to get my feet under me with work, and then Mom got sick. And that was that.
Her dementia rocked the core of who I thought I was, changing me and molding me into someone else. I took care of her—moved out of my apartment and back home so she wouldn’t be alone.
I helped her with day-to-day tasks, and when she got worse and disappeared before my very eyes, I took care of her then too. Through it all. I took care of her when she didn’t know who I was, when she couldn’t remember my name or why she loved me. And I took care of her when she didn’t even remember that shedidlove me. When I was no more than a strange man in her house, feeding her and helping her shower.
Those days were the worst.
But now they’re over, and she’s at peace. I’m not sure if I believe in a higher power or heaven or hell, but I’d like to think that wherever she is, she’s happy and free. No longer confused and scared or in pain. That’s all I want. If that’s heaven? Well then, maybe I’m a believer after all.
I pull into the hotel. I’m in a small town on the border of Wyoming and Montana. It’s quiet and seems mostly empty, but it’s my last stop. If I let myself think too hard about what tomorrow will bring, I’llconvince myself this was a stupid idea. Maybe it was. But I have to believe it’s not. Just like I have to believe Mom is free.
Maybe I can be free too.
I get checked in and collapse onto the bed. I don’t even bother taking my shoes off, although I probably should. If for no other reason than my feet hurt. Makes not a damn bit of sense considering all I’ve done is drive for days on end, but hey, life doesn’t make sense.
I close my eyes and try to relax.
I’m almost asleep when my phone buzzes. I pop my eyes open, confused about who would be texting me.
Leo
Are you alright? We haven’t heard from you.
And why would they? I really don’t understand. Sure, Leo told me I was distancing myself. That I had become unapproachable and that he was lonely. And fuck, maybe he was.
I run a hand through my hair in frustration. Maybe I did everything wrong. Maybe I should have prioritized him better. I did, when Mom first got sick. I balanced her care with being what he deserved, but then she got worse. It happened so fast, and I was barely keeping my head above water. He and Si kept urging me to put her in a home, but I couldn’t do that.
She spent her entire life taking care of me. There wasn’t a chance in hell I was leaving her alone or in some home. No. I don’t have any regrets about that at all. I wouldn’t change it for the world.
My heart gives a heavy pang at all the loss I’ve endured in the last couple of months. In my weaker moments, I wish I could forgive Silas. I want to tell him about the fucked-up mess in my head, how muchI miss my mom, and how hard my breakup was on me. But you can’t exactly have that conversation with the man who caused said breakup and fucked-up head mess to begin with.
From the time I was eight years old, and he sat down beside me on the playground asking to be my friend, I’ve told him everything. Not being able to do that anymore is strange. Probably more strange, even, than not having Leo in bed with me at night.
I stare at the message and huff at myself in irritation.
Me
I’m fine.
Without waiting for a response, I power my phone off and toss it to the nightstand. Sleep pulls me under in no time.
I wake with the sun and get back on the road. I have about eight hours of driving today, and then I’ll be at my destination. I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I’m there, but I’ve already booked a room in the town’s singular hotel.
I turn up the radio and roll the windows down, blaring music as I let the crisp spring air whip through my hair. It’s nice. It feels fitting too. That I’m driving to what, I hope, is the start of a new life just as the first breath of spring is filling the air.
By the time I’m halfway to the hotel, I’m doubting the wisdom of leaving everything I know and driving across the country to meet a brother who may or may not want anything to do with me. Maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t reached out to me. I’ve been telling myself that he doesn’t know about me, but maybe he does. And if he does, then why hasn’t he ever tried to contact me?
My stomach twists, and I push those thoughts away. They aren’t going to do me any good.
Even if this whole thing turns out to be a bust, between the proceeds from selling Mom’s house and her life insurance payout padding my bank account, I can afford to take time for myself. Home will never be home again. Not with Mom gone. Not with Silas and Leo together. Not with the tattered pieces of my heart still scattered everywhere.
No, I need a fresh start, and even if it’s not here, I’ll find it.
