Page 46 of Aug
My chest inflated. My forehead creased. My nostrils flared.
“Fuck.”
Nothing had prepared me for this moment. Nothing had prepared me for this pain. Nothing had prepared me for this emptiness. Nothing had prepared me for this uncertainty.
“What the fuck, man?”
Confusion plagued me. I was just making plans to visit for the holidays. I was just holding the phone to my ear with nothing more to say as I listened to my mother ramble about her latest obsession.
I’d never hear her voice again. Never feel her arms around me. Never eat anything from her kitchen. Never see her in that all white on my wedding day. Never see her bring up my children. Never see her smile as she told me how proud she was of me for choosing Ti and making a home with her.Never.
Sick to my stomach, I pulled myself up from the dumps and swiped the tears from my face. There was no life there. There was no Audrey. There was nothing.
Boom.
Boom.
Boom.
A knock on the door startled me.
“Yeah?” I yelled across the living room, uninterested in opening it.
“Leaving in five,” Koen belted.
I nodded, but never responded verbally. I didn’t have to. He knew I’d be ready when the wheels started rolling. Family dinner was tonight and though I hated the idea of leaving the house it was family that I needed to be surrounded by.
Blood couldn’t have made me closer to the people who employed me. I was right where I needed to be for the healing to begin, no matter how long it took or how ugly it was.
In five minutes, I was on the frontline. Koen exited his home and walked the distance to Balle’s crib to find me near the black trucks.
“You good?”
I’ll never be good again, my nigga.
I nodded.
“Here she comes.”
I opened the back door of the Escalade and stood beside it. Balle was dressed in ivory. Her hair hung down her back. Her shoes split her big toe from the one next to it and had a heel that was barely visible. A scarf was draped around her shoulders.
Autumn was officially in full swing and the weather was unpredictable. There was a slight chill, but too many layers would get uncomfortable quickly. My heart smiled seeing her and I didn’t think that was possible so soon.
“August–” she said, leaning in to hug me. “I don’t know if I want to hug you or hit you.”
I pulled her in, holding her tighter than I intended to. But, I was falling, and I was falling fast. I needed something stable. I needed someone stable. Someone unchanging. Something unchanging. Everything inside of me was broken.
“Even if I deserve it, please don’t hit me, Balle. I’ve taken a beaten.”
She didn’t resist my embrace. She clung to me, pulling me closer and holding me tighter. The levees were holding on strong, but they were threatening to break with each passing second.
“Who was it?” She questioned.
“My whole world,” I admitted.
“Your mother?”
“My mother,” I choked out.
