Page 95 of Doubts of the Egoist
Yugo ran his tongue over the wound at the corner of his mouth, smearing blood. His fists clenched and a hiss escaped his colorless lips, “You have no choice.”
Pain shot through Kuon’s jaw as he clenched his teeth too tightly. “There’s always a choice. Even if wild beasts have devoured you, there are two ways out, so don’t choke, Yugo. I won’t let you swallow me.”
“Are you really so naïve to think you can leave?” Yugo leaned in, his breath caressing Kuon’s ear as he whispered, “I’ll never let you go. You’re mine. Every cell of you, even your eyes…”
Gentle hands cupped Kuon’s face, thumbs brushing under his eyes, outlining the scars. The lazy gaze of the gray eyes possessively licked Kuon’s lips, nose, and cheeks, then settled higher. Thumbs pressed lightly on the lower rim of Kuon’s eye sockets as if the Black Duke was considering gouging out his eyeballs.
Instinctively, Kuon’s hands wrapped around Yugo’s wrists, but he didn’t dare to pry them off in case their struggle increased the pressure. The grip loosened, and now Yugo’s thumbs caressed the healing skin again, gently, carefully.
“They are mine to do with as I please. I paid for them.”
Kuon sneered, tasting nothing but bloody ash in his mouth. He took a long breath to calm down his drumming heart, then added steely confidence to his tone. “I’m leaving. To stop me, you’d have to fight me, and considering how much youpaidfor my corneas, I don’t think the outcome will be in your favoreither way. Unless you want to cut out my eyes to make us even. Then go ahead. I’m not staying with you even if hell is my next destination.”
Yugo scowled, eyes cold and feverishly bright on his bloodless face. He didn’t move, but a painful battle took place under his taut skin as his muscles rolled, neck corded, and his Adam’s apple jumped, making the shadow on the notch of his throat move with it. His nails sank into the paper-thin skin below Kuon’s eyes as if he were considering going through with Kuon’s suggestion, but he let go in a flash.
The prolonged silence weighed heavily on Kuon’s shoulders. The smells of alcohol, tobacco, sex, and the heady cologne blended with the scent of wild heather wafting in from outside, making his head ache. Even his eyes felt as if they would pop out of their sockets at any moment. The places where Yugo had touched throbbed. Kuon’s eyes burned, begging to rest in the shadow of his palms, but he stubbornly held Yugo’s glare, refusing to look away. For some reason, this visual duel felt vital.
Yugo’s face flipped through emotions. His eyes and jaw locked, and his whole body took on the lethality of a blade. Kuon knew that the Black Duke wanted to hit him. He’d seen that deadly gleam in his eyes so often that he could never mistake it for anything else. However, seconds ticked by, and Yugo never raised his hand. Instead, a sepulchral whisper sounded, “No matter how strong you are, you will kneel before me. Your body will writhe in my arms until your bones crack. You will scream my name through the pain and thank me for still letting you breathe. This is your future. Embrace it.”
Wanting to cut the Gordian knot of this emotional bond and trying to win an already lost battle, Kuon said, “What you did…” He winced, unable to continue, shook his head, and beganagain. “We can’t step in the same river twice. That’s not what I want. I don’t think this is what you want either. We can’t go back to the relationship we had two years ago. You know that too.”
“Then why do you make me do this? Why did you go to him? Why did you let him touch you? Why are you doing all this?” Yugo’s voice, soft at first, gained strength and grew louder until his corded neck vibrated with shouted words. The man drew back and threw a punch forward, causing Kuon to flinch inwardly, but the fist passed without stirring a single hair on his head.
BAM. BAM. BAM. BAM.
Over and over, Yugo thrashed the door, making Kuon’s back shake with each impact.
“Why?” Kuon shouted back, blazing with rage. The hatred in his voice made Yugo shrink back an inch. “Did you expect me to smile and act as if nothing happened? Should I have stayed and waited until you finished fucking Mio on this bed, so I could clean your cock with my mouth and offer you my ass as dessert? Is that what you want?”
Kuon shouted the last part so hard that his lungs burned and pressure spiked in his temples. His knuckles throbbed after he swung at the man again, then froze, half-expecting Yugo to return the blow.
But Yugo only poked his bruised cheek from the inside with his tongue, then tilted his head to the side, now watching him with a serious, attentive expression. “Is that why you went to him? Because you were jealous?”
Speechless for a moment, Kuon blinked, then snorted. “Fuck you. Seriously, is that all you care about? Fuck you and your ego.”
Kuon turned again to leave the room, but the ruthless hand returned to the door, preventing him from pulling it.
“The dog dies anyway,” Yugo said, “but if you leave, I’ll kill the woman and the child.”
“I don’t believe you…” Kuon shook his head. “Even you wouldn’t stoop so low as to hurt a little girl.”
The sound of Yugo’s laughter knotted Kuon’s guts. “Maybe I would, maybe I wouldn’t. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.”
Kuon spun on his heel, piercing his tormentor with blazing hateful stare. “Stop being so damn selfish, and keep other people out of our business. Leave Rick alone. He’s a good guy, and it’s not his fault I got him into this mess. So, if you have a problem with me, solve it with me only.”
Yugo blinked, then he laughed even louder, but there was so much desperation in that rollicking sound that Kuon swallowed the lump forming in his throat.
Though defenseless andtrapped, Kuon still acted like he had a choice. His defiant, impudent dark eyes disarmed Yugo. With crystal clarity, he realized that, as long as Kuon looked at him that way, he would never let him go.
But Kuon had a point. Things had changed because now he trusted the former cop even less than he had during their first summer.
“Fine, I’ll solve it with you. But I gave you my word, and I intend to keep it. Someone has to die, but I’ll let you decide.” Yugo pulled the gun from his pocket. The black barrel outlined Kuon’s face, slid down his throat, and stopped at the notch. “Youdon’t want me to kill him? Fine. You do it. Take the gun and kill him for me. Pay your debt, and you can go—have your life, even a lover. Do this, and I’ll forget you ever existed in this world. I’ll never bother you again. If you won’t, I’ll kill him, but then you stay with me forever. Choose wisely, for the dog will die anyway.”
“You can’t be serious…” Kuon shook his head, never breaking eye contact. His pupils dilated, brown irises shrinking to tiny rings.
“You think?” Small muscles twitched under Yugo’s left eye and around his mouth as he fought to control his neurotic tic. He brought his face closer, inhaling the intoxicating scent of Kuon’s skin, searching for fear, but sensing nothing. Without blinking, he took Kuon’s hand and pressed the weapon into his palm. “You chose him over me once. I’ll give you another chance. Make things right. Kill the dog, and I’ll let you go. Or don’t. The choice is yours.”
“I’m not going to do this, and neither are you.”
