Page 74 of Doubts of the Egoist
Rick’s light-haired shins brushed against Kuon’s hips from both sides as the man straddled him. The reddened face centered Kuon’s attention as Rick crouched over him, sucking bruises on his chest. His fingers hooked into the wet fabric of Kuon’s boxers and peeled them down his legs.
Kuon’s head remained as cold as the air in the room. He couldn’t understand why this felt so different from what he was used to. Apart from the first rape, Kuon burned in Yugo’s hands unable to think straight. Now, lying on his back, staring at the ceiling, he registered the intensity of the kisses, the location of the touches, the hardness of the bed beneath his shoulder blades, as if this was happening to someone else, not him.
With soul-shattering clarity, he realized that this was not going to work. Kuon opened his mouth to admit his inability to continue when the dog tags caught his attention again. In the dark, the cold metallic glint grounded him, making him want to try harder.
I should stop analyzing and relax!
He closed his eyes and tried to lose himself in the foreplay.
Rick is handsome and fit; it shouldn’t be this hard, right?He sexualized the caresses, concentrated on the sensations, but arousal passed him by. Even without the visuals, he couldn’thelp but compare the citrusy and soothing scent of mandarin and lavender to Yugo’s heady scent of cigarettes and vanilla, spices and wood. The annoying softness of the touch did not stimulate him, instead, it tickled.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Can’t I be aroused without chains and bites anymore? Or am I a glutton for humiliation?
However, he saw no reason to stop now. Emotionless sex could still break the cursed cycle of his twisted, unhealthy relationship with the Black Duke.
Lost in thought, he missed the moment when Rick’s lips pressed against his pubic bone. A large hand cupped his butt cheek and inched toward the crack.
Kuon jerked up, hand shooting forward and slamming into Rick’s shoulder. Anxiety coiled in his stomach as the ice from his head crackled down his spine. “Wait…”
Thinking he could do it and actually doing it were two different things.
Rick gulped; his hand retreated. He sat back on his heels and licked his lips. “Sorry. I should have asked. Is it okay if I top today?”
Kuon blinked, failing to understand what Rick was saying.
“I haven’t bottomed in a long time. I don’t mind doing it in the future, but relaxing might take extra time and effort. Bottoming has always been a challenge for me, both mentally and physically.”
Kuon shook his head, mind stalling.
Misinterpreting Kuon’s silence, Rick continued, “Then…can you give me some time to prepare?”
Battling the mental, debilitating fog, Kuon stammered, “W-wait, what?”
A deeper shade of embarrassment colored Rick’s cheeks, and he stubbornly lowered his chin. “I wouldn’t want you to be repulsed, or for either of us to get hurt. Sex between men can be messy, you know? Or you don’t want to go all the way? That’s fine too, just tell me before I do something you hate.”
The meaning of Rick’s words slowly caught up with Kuon, leaving him sitting there, gaping in silent shock.What the hell am I doing?
Until now, Kuon had not felt the weight of guilt. Rick was a big boy and knew what he was doing. It was a two-way road where they both got what they wanted. Rick used him and the moment to get what he wanted, just like Kuon. Or so he thought.
I’m no better than Yugo.
“I’m sorry,” Kuon croaked, wanting to punch himself in the face. Unable to meet Rick’s eyes, he hung his head low and turned away, swinging his legs off the bed so his feet touched the icy floor.
His shaky hands raked through his hair again and again, but the gesture failed to settle his thoughts or calm his nerves. Fingers sank into hair as he rested his elbows on his knees, collapsing into himself and the darkness.
The words he had wanted to hear from Yugo rang in his ears, amplifying their meaning. They were like a sobering kick in the balls from reality.
Kuon had long since learned to enjoy everything Yugo threw at him. As long as sex wasn’t harmful and didn’t hurttoo much, he was okay with most things. He didn’t know any different. Sometimes, he wondered how it would feel to embrace Yugo. He tried not to get carried away with such fantasies, knowing it was impossible, but every now and then he imagined Yugo spread out beneath him, trusting him enough with his body and his pleasure. But fantasies were called that for a reason. He knew Yugo well enough to declare with the accuracy of a bullet to the head that the Black Duke would never let him top. Kuon made peace with that, accepted it as an unspoken condition for staying at Yugo’s side. But Rick was no less manly than Yugo, yet he offered himself with such ease as if it didn’t matter.Or, maybe, when you love someone, it doesn’t?
“Kuon?” A shaky hand touched his shoulder. “Did I say something wrong?”
Kuon shook his head to answer Rick’s question and stop himself from overthinking.
“Quite the opposite. That’s why I can’t. If we finish, you’ll never respect me again, and I’ll hate myself for the rest of my life. Please allow me to retain at least some of my self-respect and stop now. After all, one night is not what you want either.”
Kuon heard the man retreat to the other side of the bed. With every fiber of his soul, he felt Rick’s frustration and pain, but there was nothing he could do to change the situation.
“I’m sorry. I’ll go.” Kuon pressed a palm against the mattress to lever himself up when a heavy hand came down on his neck, pinning him to the bed.
