Page 65 of Doubts of the Egoist
The nickname Tobias gave me is spot on.Everyone saw it but me…
Pain shot through his jaw from grinding his teeth too hard, and small, angry tremors settled in his fingertips. To keep the shaking from spreading, he dug his nails into his palms, welcoming the pain.
Rick looked at him expectantly. Lost in thought, Kuon missed the question, but the hope shining in the black eyes spoke volumes.
“I can’t have this conversation right now. Please, stop andget up.”
“If I do, you’ll leave me behind again. He doesn’t love you, but I do… I have for the last two years. Just notice me already.” The light in Rick’s eyes dimmed as his wet forehead pressed against Kuon’s knee. “Don’t shrug me off again. I beg you, Kuon, give me a chance. I’d kneel, but I’m already kneeling.”
Just like that, Rick’s apartment became Kuon’s hell instead of a sanctuary. Kuon didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. It was ridiculous, but in this vast world, he couldn’t find a tiny place where he would feel safe, so he raised his palms and covered his eyes, hiding in the illusory darkness.This must be a nightmare…
Hating himself a little more, Kuon said to stop this madness, “Get up or I’ll hit you.”
“Hit. I’m already defeated.”
Kuon’s lips quivered. He thought that following through with his threat would be the kindest thing to do; it might stop Rick from wishing for the impossible. But he couldn’t bring himself to kick someone who was already on his knees. Rick seemed to know that too, because he didn’t move.
Kuon’s eyes burned, nose prickled.
In desperation, he wrapped the thick silver chain hanging from Rick’s neck over his fist and yanked it up, forcing him to his feet. Kuon’s forearm slammed across Rick’s smooth chest as he spun them around. Rick’s back hit the tiled wall, but he didn’t fight back.
This small struggle drained Kuon of energy and sent the room spinning, so he rested his forehead against the forearm lying across Rick’s chest. Water pummeled the top of his head,trickling from his hair and the corners of his open mouth as he gulped air. “I understand, it’s my fault. I shouldn’t be here, so I have no right to complain or ask anything of you. But did you really have to corner me in the shower to have this conversation? Where’s your pride?”
“Pride?” Rick laughed, a touch of madness in his voice. “Do you think I care about something as minor as pride? I love you. I’d sell my soul for a ghost of a chance that you’d notice me. Not as a buddy in arms, but as a man.”
Kuon looked up into the trembling pools of liquid darkness in the eyes of the person he thought was his friend. Rick’s hands shook. He nervously licked water from his upper lip, waiting for Kuon’s verdict.
Pride… Am I the one to talk about it? I called Yugo fifteen times, but he never picked up. Kuon knew he had to say something, anything, to relieve Rick’s distress, but his mind stalled as he saw his own despair in his friend’s actions.Aren’t I just like him?
“I almost gave up because I thought you weren’t interested in men, but you accepted him. I don’t know what you think this asshole can give you that I can’t, but I wish you’d just tell me. I learn fast; try me. I’ll do anything.”
“I…” The words of rejection died on Kuon’s tongue as the light reflecting off the dangling dog tags caught his eye. Their time in Afghanistan had been far from happy, and Rick had always seemed pragmatic rather than nostalgic. That he still clung to those useless pieces of metal surprised Kuon, especially since he couldn’t even remember when or where he’d lost his own.
The longer he stared, the clearer the engravings on thebacks of the dog tags became. He picked up the plates and turned them over, reading Rick’s name followed by his own. “W-why do you have my dog tag?”
Rick’s cheeks flushed, but he didn’t look away. “A nurse gave them to me. You left them at the field hospital. Not that I intended to steal them. I just couldn’t part with them.” When silence fell and stretched, Rick added, “Are you angry? Even if you are, I will only return one.”
The air caught in Kuon’s throat as corrosive guilt suffocated him for not taking Rick’s feelings seriously. Rick’s passion had always bothered him and made him uncomfortable, causing headaches. Coming from a man, such affection felt wrong.
Kuon wasn’t ready to admit he was bisexual. Of all the men he’d met, only one attracted him. Even in his mind, he separated Yugo from the rest. Yugo was different. With him, it was fine. Maybe because they’d already been intimate, so that wasn’t an obstacle. Kuon couldn’t say.
Rick… They were friends, brothers in arms. Always had been, always would be. He couldn’t even imagine the possibility of being intimate with Rick.
Unlike with Yugo, there was no adrenaline-fueled sex to deepen their relationship, no fights or power struggles. Nothing to spark the passive-aggressive dynamics Kuon associated with gay relationships. There were also no emotional triggers leading to intimacy, so he dismissed Rick’s feelings as brotherly affection, confusion that should have cooled down eventually. It was easier that way because if Rick’s gentle, respectful care was love, then what did Kuon have with Yugo, and how could he still want it?
Kuon’s throat closed.
“Don’t make such a face.” Rick swallowed his nerves, and an uncertain hand, as if bracing for a slap, reached Kuon’s neck, making him realize how ready Rick was for rejection. Yet he risked their friendship for a tiny chance of acceptance. “I can’t stand it.”
Life is so unfair. Shouldn’t feelings this strong and sincere be cherished and returned? Yet here they are, wasted on me.
Kuon tried to remember if Yugo’s touch had ever been so gentle and careful and couldn’t. A kaleidoscope of images swirled through his mind’s eye, showing humiliating, painful, degrading scenes from the footage he’d watched. Even when Yugo was kind, his touch remained forceful and demanding. Nothing like the reverent trepidation that guided Rick’s hand.
Kuon didn’t mind rough sex. He’d never expected excessive tenderness between men. Bite marks and occasional bruises had never bothered him. On a deep, primal level, they felt natural. Men didn’t have to be tender or careful with each other. Pain and adrenaline often heightened the sensations. Roughness reassured Kuon that Yugo saw him not as a woman, but as a strong man who wouldn’t break easily. This understanding helped him accept the receiving role in sex.
Then what about Mio?Kuon doubted anyone had ever been rough with him. He didn’t think Yugo saw his nephew as a woman either. He winced as his headache worsened.
Rick’s thumb stroked below his ear, but Kuon barely noticed, his gaze fixed on the wet gray tiles.
