Page 64 of Doubts of the Egoist
Kuon leaned against the gray-tiled wall, exhausted. The initial embarrassment and awkwardness caused by the almost nonexistent distance between Rick’s face and his groin vanished as his friend kept his gaze on the task at hand.
Hot streams massaged his chest and shoulders as Kuon’s mind drifted. Hanging in limbo between recent memory and reality, he watched Rick’s ministrations as if from another dimension.
Mio’s eyes, burning with hatred… Rick’s serene composure…the uncompromising farewell… the skilled fingerstending to the cuts…the kiss… the almost intimate look in the black eyes…Yugo’s arms, gently holding the frail body… the thumb circling the prominent bone on the inside of his ankle.
The deeper he dwelt on his memories, the clearer it became that it wasn’t Yugo’s return to Mio that delivered the final punch, but the realization of how much Kuon was willing to do for something that was never there. He was ready to compromise his principles, yet Yugo couldn’t even show him respect. Even if he was angry with Kuon for firing the gun and snooping around, he couldn’t have been unaware that Kuon was waiting for him to talk.
Of course, he knew that. Bringing Mio home was his answer. He didn’t even bother to look me in the eye and tell me we were done. Fuck, a single phone call would have been enough. Yet, he just tossed me aside without a word.The possibility of a misunderstanding was ruled out by the long walk. If Yugo wanted to stop him, he had plenty of time.I bet he was too busy pinning Mio to the bed to notice I was gone.
Rick’s touch, clinical at first, startled Kuon with unexpected intimacy. Kuon’s gaze fixed on the thumb caressing his ankle.
“Rick?”
“I can’t help but wonder what brought you here in the middle of the night, half-dressed and barefoot. You’re silent, so I have no choice but to speculate. These are dark thoughts, Kuon. I wish you would tell me.” The thumb kept drawing circles around the bone, but that stopped bothering Kuon as soon as Rick looked up. The obsidian eyes, glowing with determination, bored into Kuon’s. “I see no signs of violence on your body, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t any. I have to ask. Do you need to see a doctor?”
Kuon scowled, struggling to understand the question. Once he did, blood rushed to his head, making the hot shower feel barely lukewarm. He wanted to tell Rick to keep his assumptions to himself, but just imagining his friend thought he’d been raped made him angry.
“I’m not hurt. I was driving a car, but a fucking deer jumped out of the forest, and I crashed it. I left my shoes behind, that’s all.” Kuon gritted his teeth. The situation became unbearable, and Rick kneeling before him only added to his discomfort. “Please get up.”
“I’m not done.” Warm fingers released the trapped foot and grabbed the other ankle, forcing Kuon to shift on his clean foot and lift the dirty one. “If you aren’t hurt, what happened?”
Kuon let out a long sigh and lowered his eyelids. He rested the back of his head against the wall, trying to cool the burning shame in his heart. It was unfair to lash out at Rick when he was angry at himself and Yugo, so he admitted, “Anger and stupidity. Nothing else.”
“But why?”
With his eyes closed, it became easier to speak, so Kuon tried to avoid misunderstandings. “Because…”
Because I thought he was serious about me. Because I fired a gun at him. Because he is probably fucking his nephew right now. Because I’m the only one who still doesn’t understand anything and can’t move on.
Thoughts bolted through his head, but Kuon couldn’t voice any of them, at least not to Rick. Confiding in him already felt odd and wrong. He wished they hadn’t had this conversation. His head felt stuffed with cotton, making it increasingly difficult to filter his thoughts. Yet his mouthopened, and the words slipped out as if he were under a truth serum. “There’s someone else. There always has been. We had a fight, and now they’re back together.”
“I don’t get it…” Rick rasped, his hand hesitating over Kuon’s heel as his back tensed. “Did he cheat on you?”
Cheat?Kuon remained silent, unable to decide.I can’t even say whether he cheated on me or Mio. We weren’t even in a defined relationship where sleeping with someone else would count as cheating. We never talked about it. In fact, we never talked about anything.And Mio… they were together long before me. I’m the third wheel not him.
“Kuon…” Something about the way Rick said his name made Kuon’s mouth dry. He cracked his eyes open to stare into the inky turmoil swirling behind Rick’s dilated pupils. “Do you love him?”
“I don’t…” He wanted to say “think so”, but instead said, “…know.”
Shut up, just shut up, Kuon. You have said too much already.
“Then why him?”
“It’s complicated,” Kuon grumbled, angry at himself for oversharing. “Rick, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Then let’s talk about us. This place is lonely without you.” The way Rick’s fingers tightened around his foot didn’t bode well. It was clear it wouldn’t be freed until Rick was done talking. “I’m lonely without you…”
No, no, no….Kuon wanted to flee, or at least pull a T-shirt over his head and scream his lungs out to get rid of the frustration, but he was naked, and Rick blocked the only exit.God, why does this always happen in the bathroom?
“I beg you, consider me.” Rick’s voice muffled by water, drifted up, making Kuon’s skin crawl. “I’d never do anything you hate; I’d never lie to you. Please, stay with me, look at me, because all I can see is you. Give me a chance, and maybe one day you can learn to love me, because it’s not going away…”
Rick kept whispering, but Kuon couldn’t hear him over the pounding of his heart, choking on guilt.I fucked up…
The confession was demoralizing as Rick’s desperate words echoed Kuon’s insecurities.
Hatred mixed in. Boiling, devastating hatred at Yugo for invading his life again, for making himself the center of it after everything Kuon had gone through to forget him. For messing with his mind and emotions and robbing Kuon of the ability to have a normal relationship. For taking a place that could have belonged to someone else. Someone loyal and kind… like Rick.
He despised himself for letting Yugo do all of this. For jumping up and down, wagging his tail, grateful for every flicker of kindness and affection, like a damn puppy.
