Page 51 of Doubts of the Egoist
Why give me the illusion of choice?He would have expected this behavior from Yugo, not from Greg, who had never been unnecessarily cruel to him.Why start now?
Kuon knew Yugo too well to believe this cat would ever let a mouse escape his claws, so why was Greg trying to deceive him?As soon as I say yes, he’ll lock me up in the basement?
He bit the inside of his cheek, not sure how to play this game.
“Have you ever been told that you have trust issues?” Greg asked, scratching his grayish cheek, puzzled, as if the conversation wasn’t going in the expected direction.
“Why does that surprise you?” Kuon’s eyes burned, so he closed them, seeking relief. He’d used eye drops only half an hour ago, but they hadn’t helped much. He needed rest. The stress and exhaustion of the sleepless nights drained his energy, but he couldn’t afford it now. Fighting the urge to rub his eyes with his fists, he muttered, “I know firsthand what he’s capable of.”
“I see…” Greg perched on the far corner of the desk, not too far for Kuon’s comfort but not too close to invade his space. “I give you my word, you are free to go. I don’t have to say you’re not allowed to take anything out of this room, right?”
Kuon swallowed hard, trying to detect the deception in Greg’s unreadable expression. He almost believed the man, but that sounded too good to be true.
“I must warn you not to pursue any strange ideas and not to go to the police. Better yet, forget what you’ve seen in this room. Nothing good will happen to you if you mess with the S-Syndicate business again. I hope you’ve learned your lesson.”
Kuon nodded. He stood up to check Greg’s words, but a hot palm wrapped around his forearm, preventing him from taking a step. A nervous, barking laugh broke from Kuon’s throat as he shook his head and gave the man a sarcastic grin.I knewit…
“Before we go, satisfy my curiosity.” With a lift of his chin, Greg pointed back to his place. “Please.”
Kuon slumped into the chair. He’d spent days in this room, tolerating the cold just fine, but now the draft from the ventilation system made him shiver. He clasped his hands to stop shaking and hide his distress. Schooling his expression into the utmost indifference, Kuon gave a short nod, indicating he was listening.
“Why did you come here?” Greg’s deep, gravelly voice and the tranquil gaze of his black eyes hypnotized Kuon.
“Because I’m an idiot. I thought that…” He trailed off, realizing he was about to share his feelings with Greg.What the fuck is wrong with me?We’re not friends…He lowered his head to the desk, hoping the cool surface would help him concentrate, then he closed his eyes. “It doesn’t matter what I thought. The things he did… I don’t think I can unsee them.”
“Weren’t you aware of them?”
“I thought I was. Suspecting that you might have ordered a few murders and watching you cold-bloodedly smash someone’s skull over and over again are two different things. He is a murderer. You both are…”
“Aren’t we all?” Greg’s provocative question hit hard. Kuon’s head snapped up so fast something in his neck popped. “How many people did you kill in Afghanistan? Don’t saynone.”
Never expecting this question, Kuon jerked his head back. “This is different.”
“How so? Don’t start with innocent lives and the lesser of two evils. Death is death. Murder is murder. Did you prosecuteyour victims?” When Kuon didn’t reply, Greg continued, “What made you think that you—an outsider from another country with a different morality, mentality, religion, and culture—had the right to go into another country and set your rules, take the lives of the natives, hm?” While Kuon struggled for words, Greg added, “I’m not attacking, just saying that we all had our reasons.”
Kuon could have argued, but he saw no point. Greg wasn’t interested in his opinion as much as in proving his case.
“Maybe you did, maybe you didn’t; it’s none of my business. Can you promise me that I won’t end up like those guys when he gets tired of me?”
“Don’t betray him, and he won’t,” Greg said cautiously. “But if you do something to warrant it, I’ll do my best to convince him not to. That much I can promise.”
Kuon laughed with an edge. “What’s his definition of betrayal? An attempt to leave him or an opinion different from his?”
Kuon didn’t want to get involved in this senseless sophism. He knew where it would lead. Greg would play with words and try to mess with Kuon’s moral compass to change his mind. Not wanting to drag this conversation out any longer, Kuon tapped his fingers on the top of the desk. “Did he promise you a bonus if you convince me to stay?”
“A box of pismaniye,” Greg grinned.
Kuon snorted with sarcasm. “Sorry, but your promise isn’t good enough. I don’t want to live in fear of brutal consequences every time I do something he doesn’t like.”
“Are you afraid of him?”
“Rationally, I should be. I’d be stupid if I weren’t.” Kuon shrugged his shoulder.
“And irrationally?”
Kuon couldn’t afford to be irrational, so he clicked his tongue. “I didn’t know you were also a therapist. No wonder Yugo keeps you so close.”
Greg laughed, but understanding flickered behind his black eyes as he played along. “Should I ask for a raise?”
