Page 42 of Doubts of the Egoist
“That’s what you came here for, isn’t it? To snoop around.” Yugo’s jeering voice tore the thin thread of Kuon’s self-control. Red flared. His hands shook as he leapt to his feet and threw a punch forward. His knuckles crashed into Yugo’s cheek.
“Shut up! Just shut up! How dare you?” His teeth clenched, nails stabbing into his palms. The air left his mouth with a harsh hiss.
“Feeling better?” Yugo glanced up, rubbing his rapidly reddening cheek.
“No, I don’t. I’m…” Kuon’s shoulders slumped. Beneath the anger, he felt nothing but an icy swamp of confusion. “… tired.”
“That’s enough,” Yugo said softly. He reached for the desk, but Kuon intercepted his wrist, preventing him from snatching the mouse.
“Don’t you dare…” Kuon didn’t recognize his voice. Too deep, too throaty, it oozed warning. Muscles flexed under Kuon’s grip as Yugo swiped him with an appraising look. His stance widened a fraction, giving the former police detective a silent command to back off.
Kuon didn’t. Months of intense training boosted his self-confidence. Despite his eyes being his Achilles’ heel, Kuon didn’t consider himself fragile. In Afghanistan, he was obsessed with training so that no one would ever humiliate him again. The training paid off. He was now broader than Yugo. If he could put Rick on his back three times out of ten, then he could definitelykick Yugo’s ass, but would fighting risk injuring his eyes? He thought so, but he was too angry to care. If he had to fight Yugo to keep watching the requiem for his former self, he would. He couldn’t remember being so lost in his life. His voice trembled as he pushed Yugo’s hand away and faced the screen. “Bastard… I can’t believe you recorded it all and kept it.”
His eyes locked on the scene. Chains and wood. A wide wolf pelt, its hollow paws stretched across the floor. A fireplace. Kuon swallowed as he saw himself on all fours on Yugo’s bed, legs spread wide. His face was just a shade lighter than Yugo’s maroon curtains, but his eyes glistened with lust.
Even though Kuon had long acknowledged his sexual and emotional attraction to Yugo, he still struggled to accept his role in bed. Being the only one on the receiving end had always made him aware of the inequality of their relationship. If he could mostly forget about it during sex—because pleasure was pleasure—now, as he watched himself arch his back to give Yugo a better angle to hit his prostate, he felt less than a man. Never had he imagined bending over for another man like some desperate bitch in heat. Until the Black Duke.Maybe that’s how he saw me? Not a woman to protect and care for, not a man to respect… Just a thing to be used as he pleased.
A soul-crushing storm of dark, sharp emotions ripped through his chest. Bile of disgust surged in his throat, threatening to spill out the suffocating shame and revolt.
It must have shown on his face because the hand cupped Kuon’s eyes, enveloping him in a painfully familiar fragrance of bittersweet tobacco. The touch was so gentle, it hurt, especially after watching those very hands maim and abuse him for hours.
Kuon spun around and rammed his palm into Yugo’s solar plexus. His foot caught the base of the chair and kicked ittoward the man. The chair slammed into Yugo’s knees, forcing him to step back toward the doorway. Yugo grabbed the back of the chair with an angry hand and threw it aside. It crashed to the floor, falling apart. The black backrest flew toward the metal rack. The chrome base toppled, its casters spinning in the air, rattlingta-ta-ta-ta.
“Don’t touch me,” Kuon growled. Yugo huffed and leaned against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest, long fingers drumming a rhythm of irritation on his biceps. “What’s not clear? Give me fucking space!”
Catching his breath, he rested a hand on the keyboard and accidentally hit a few keys. The screen flickered; the computer beeped, and sounds returned, too loud after the silence. The video player blinked, loaded, and now showed the white room.
“No… please, don’t do this… no!”His groans, weak and painful, turned his soul inside out. Kuon pressed both palms against the cold desk as he leaned into the screen.“Don’t.”
His younger self tossed and turned on the mattress. He didn’t wake up when the door on the screen opened, and Yugo stole into the room. His clothes dropped to the floor before the man slipped under the blanket.
Kuon held his breath, leaning even closer to the screen. He didn’t know this had happened. He also had no idea what kind of expression Yugo wore when no one was looking, or how dark his eyes became when troubled. Until now. Cocking his head, he watched the two of them huddling on the small mattress.
“Everything is okay. I’m here,”the speakers said in Yugo’s voice, and his former self relaxed.
That’s it?Kuon gaped. He’d suffered from recurringnightmares all his life. When he was little, Gray had also slept by his side to help him sleep. Since he’d grown up, no therapy or sleeping pills could get rid of them, so he’d always wondered what Yugo had done to chase them away.That’s all it takes? It’s insultingly simple.
“I’m still here,” said the biggest asshole in Kuon’s life.
“Fuck you, Yugo. You think you can make this go away with two words?” He would have laughed at the absurdity of the situation if he had any strength left to laugh. “It’s not a fucking nightmare.”
“It’s not… it’s just the past.”
“For you,” Kuon heard himself say. “For me, it’s my life.”
Kuon’s headache worsened. The rape scene on the central bottom monitor ended, and another file loaded. The sounds faded into a cotton-wool silence. Swallowed by a hurricane of conflicting emotions, he felt overwhelmed, unable to process any new information. What Yugo did on the bottom right screen seemed like kindness, almost love.
It was confusing, so he turned his back on the videos and perched on the corner of the desk, trying to steady his thoughts.
Yugo’s searching gaze drilled his temple. His face, drained of color, wore a bitter mixture of anger and sorrow. Still, he stood silently, giving Kuon the space.
That morning, when I woke up, he was by my side… That’s when he ordered me to move in with him. Was it because of my nightmares? Was he worried about me? Did he feel sorry for me? Or was he just curious?
Sinking his fingers into his hair, Kuon froze. He wanted to shut down his emotions and think with cold reason, but shameand embarrassment refused to subside. In his mind, he couldn’t help but replay the images of his lewd body reacting to Yugo’s touches and how mindless lust distorted his face. The wet, salacious noises he’d made while Yugo fucked him tolled in his head, eroding his brain.
I don’t understand anything anymore… He looked at me with such a worried expression, yet he raped me. He raped me, yet I acted like his cock was the best thing ever. I still do.We deserve each other…
Kuon let out a short, barking laugh.No wonder Yugo didn’t want to give up on such a toy. Who could blame him? If I reacted like this to everything he did, no wonder he kept pursuing me, even scarred and blind. I must be perfect for his twisted fantasies.He recoiled mentally, overwhelmed by the thought.
