Page 23 of Doubts of the Egoist
“Quite a sight, huh?” he whispered as Tobias’ words crept into his mind.“Even though I’ve seen your pictures, you’re very different from what I imagined. Not his usual type, you know? Too flawed, too brawny. I wonder what he sees in you.”
Me too… How can he even get hard for this?He touched the ugly skin below his eye.His own arousal vanished.
Yugo isn’t wrong. Tobias got into my head with just a few lines. Not that I wouldn’t reach the same conclusion after a glance in the mirror.He fished the SIM card out of his jeans pocket, wondering if he should throw it away or give it to Yugo. Before he could make up his mind, he was on his knees, opening the first aid kit he’d grabbed from the shelf. He pulled out a new pack of Band-Aids, tore the wrapper, and stuck the SIM card to the bottom of the marble sink. As he turned to toss the wrapper into the trash, his heart dropped. The garbage bag was pristine.
There’s no way Yugo would miss the wrapper in there. If he sees it, he’ll ask questions.He squinted at the toilet, considering flushing the plastic, but would that clog the pipes? Explaining why he needed a Band-Aid and disposed of the trash that way would be too problematic. Instead, he grabbed a nail clipper and snapped off a thin piece of skin next to his big toe. The sting made him grit his teeth, but his efforts paid off. Blood beaded, then trickled out.
Heavy drops stained the dark marble floor. After creatinga convincing mess, Kuon grabbed another bandage and wrapped it around his big toe. He rolled the plastic between his sweaty palms into a tight ball and threw it into the trash can.
Heart-in-his-mouth, he perched on the edge of the large, square tub when his mind finally caught up with his actions. With an audible exhale, he lowered his head as guilt scratched at his ribcage like a trapped rat trying to escape.
What the hell am I doing? Shouldn’t I trust him a little more? Yugo told me I could leave if I wanted to. He’s never lied to me. He doesn’t have a single reason to start now.
He grimaced at the sink and froze as the memories of his captivity flooded his mind. Resignation and bitterness… Biting cold, snow, and blood… The despair, humiliation, crushing insignificance, and helplessness he’d experienced as Yugo’s prisoner washed over him, growing stronger by the second.
How can I forget everything and trust him? I nearly killed myself.He wanted to cover his eyes with his hands and nurse his tangled emotions in the darkness, but his hands stopped an inch away as he remembered that he wasn’t supposed to touch them.I’ll keep the SIM card.Not that I’ll ever use it. I don’t even have a phone.
Not knowing what else to do while the tub was filling, he grabbed the nail clipper again, put his foot on the marble edge of the tub, and started trimming his toenails.
CHAPTER 7
Yugo leaned againstthe wall, looking at the ceiling, as he crumpled Kuon’s T-shirt in his fist. His heartbeat quickened, trying to clear the adrenaline from his system.That was close. He’s like a bulldog with a bone.
Needing a break to collect his thoughts and prepare a plan to dodge the most uncomfortable questions, he pulled a cigarette out of his chest pocket, lit it, and took a puff. He pulled out his cell phone with the other hand and sent out instructions regarding dinner.
His fingers lost their nervous grip on the cigarette, as he listened to the sounds of running water. It was bad enough that Kuon had discovered the hidden room; Yugo didn’t want to think about what would have happened if he’d peeked inside the box.
The initial idea to dispose of or replace its contents crumbled to dust when he realized that, unlike most of his former lovers, Kuon wouldn’t let go of it. Now that Kuon knew about the damned room, Yugo wouldn’t be able to keep him away from it for long. The empty box or a pair of boxers hidden inside would only insult his intelligence and arouse more suspicion. Besides, Kuon wasn’t the only one with questions. Some of the contents had caused Yugo quite a few sleepless nights.
Yugo’s head turned toward the sconce as he considered sneaking into the room, removing the most disturbing contents, and leaving just enough inside to make it look believable.
What if he catches me red-handed? Nah…It was too risky to do that now because he wouldn’t be able to prevent Kuon from finding his answers when the door was opened again.I should keep him busy before his imagination runs wild. The box can wait.
Yugo took another drag and stubbed out the unfinished cigarette in the ashtray. He left his smartphone on the nightstand and grabbed the antibiotic eye drops before following his lover into the bathroom.
The soft light from a single wall lamp cast a yellow semicircle on the floor, causing golden streaks to flare red on the dark marble. Wearing only black boxers and a single sock, Kuon sat on the side of the tub. One of his legs stretched over the marble edge; the other, still socked, touched the floor. The dark window behind him reflected the bathroom, but the nightscape still bled through, showing the outline of the moon and the crowns of the black trees.
A single tennis shoe lay in the middle of the bathroom. Next to it stood a white box with a red cross on the side. A bunch of Band-Aids stuck out from under the half-closed lid. Above it, a pair of wet and dirty jeans was stuffed into the sink, one leg hanging out over the lip.
“Oh my, I left you for a moment, and you’ve already destroyed the bathroom.”
Kuon smirked, his eyes focused on his toes. Behind him, water poured into the large bathtub with noise, splashes, and steam. Droplets bounced off the tub and landed on his rounded back, casting a moiré effect on his scarred skin.
Fighting the urge to close the distance between them, Yugo leaned an elbow against a built-in shelf to his left. Oneof his legs casually crossed over the other as he watched the younger man struggle with the nail clipper. Gaze fixed on the Band-Aid around Kuon’s big toe, Yugo asked, “Need a hand?”
“Why? Are you afraid I’ll drown myself in the bathroom? Don’t worry; it’s not the river.” Slight annoyance rattled in Kuon’s voice. His movements became edgy and twitchy as he rolled his shoulders and cut Yugo with his glare. “Go away, you’re distracting me.”
“I’m not even watching,” Yugo lied with a grin, inching closer.
Click…His muscular back rounded even more as Kuon leaned closer to his foot, eyes narrowing. Click…
“Argh!” Kuon growled, clutching at his foot, his fingers stained red. He straightened up, leveling Yugo with a dark, cryptic look, as if he wanted to blame him for his clumsiness. Thinking better of it, he threw the nail clipper on the floor. Metal clattered against marble, rattling as it spun. “Fuck it!”
Kuon glanced at the shallow water in the tub, as if wishing it would fill faster, then back at his bleeding toe. Steam swirled up, filling the bathroom, shrouding him in milky fog and an illusion of inaccessibility.
Jealousy struck. Yugo wanted to do the same. To lick every scar on that perfect body, to rub and knead those tense muscles, to bite and mark them. He wanted those dark, soulful eyes to watch him do it with a heavy haze of excitement.
Under his gaze, the younger man fidgeted, turned away, and hurriedly stepped into the tub without taking off his underwear and sock. The look on his face shifted from determination to puzzlement as he stared at the water, which didn’t even reach his ankles. In an obvious attempt to save face,he plumped down.
