Page 115 of Doubts of the Egoist
That crushed him.
Sitting on the mattress with his arms wound around his denim-clad knees, Kuon gazed at the photographs on the wall. He scanned the dead faces, trying to empathize with Yugo’sfeelings, but he only grew more bitter as the seconds ticked by.Does he believe the rifle is his last chance for revenge and fears I’d get in the way and ruin it?
He also thought about the depth of the wounds Yugo and this place had left on him. Though they had long since healed on the surface, the infection continued festering inside, poisoning his judgment with fear and doubt. Despite deciding to come here, he constantly searched for ways to retreat, as if this weren’t a relationship he was entering but an undercover mission requiring a security team to extract him if things went too hot.
Alone in the white room that had always stripped him of dignity and pride, he had to admit he still feared Yugo.
It wasn’t just the physical pain or disgrace that frightened him, but also the realization that Yugo was invading his life with the relentless spread of a cancer. The longer they lived together, the harder it would be for him to recover if things didn’t work out. It was so unfair. Yugo didn’t have to change his life for him, but Kuon had to enter the world he loathed and accept its rules and principles. The world he wouldn’t be allowed to leave, even if they broke up. He would have to abandon the person he once was to have a chance at something he didn’t fully understand.
His rational mind knew what to do, but an intense, intoxicating, painful longing always overpowered it. The more important Yugo became to him, the darker and more invasive his fears grew. He was afraid of becoming a toy or a tool in Yugo’s hands, of losing himself and devaluing everything he had always respected in life, of being chewed up and spit out again, of being left alone without a goal, a future, or even this asshole in it.
Yugo’s world was toxic to Kuon, and their relationship toofragile.
He wondered if Yugo feared the same things, knowing that Kuon must have posed a threat to him as well. Nevertheless, that was Yugo’s life spread out on the wall—the life Kuon had dissected under a microscope without permission or apology. Kuon didn’t have as many dark secrets, yet he was still protective over them. He doubted he would be as laid-back in Yugo’s place.
No wonder he doesn’t trust me. I should apologize or … take this all down.
Driven out of the mansion by guilt, silence, and sullen mood, he went to the empty drill ground. But even after repeatedly pushing himself on the obstacle course, the dark thoughts didn’t lift.
When the bloody sun plunged into the horizon, making it impossible to remain outside, he trailed back to find the chain of cars had returned.
Unfamiliar people invaded the all-too-familiar space. Young women in housekeeping uniforms met his gaze with bashful smiles. Armed men greeted him with careful, respectful nods, free of the veiled mockery or disdain he’d learned to ignore, replaced instead by discreet curiosity. Even the senior housekeeper was gone, replaced by a middle-aged butler with round glasses and a clean-shaven, civil face. Kuon nodded politely and cautiously as he passed.
Why did the staff change?
Only the young men from the cybersecurity team, who rarely left the dark room on the second floor, seemed unchanged, or so Kuon thought when stumbled upon a nerdy guy in a stretched T-shirt with a cartoon print across his chest. Staring at his phone on his way to the guest bathroom, he didn’teven notice Kuon.
Kuon suspected the reason behind this change, and the realization demolished what was left of his pride. He went to look for Yugo, but he was nowhere to be found.
Leaning his shoulderagainst a concrete wall beneath thick pipes vanishing into darkness, Yugo flicked a blue plastic lighter he’d borrowed. The orange flame thinned the stinking darkness around him, and gray smoke curled into the air, mingling with the musty smell of the subway.
A beam of light swept the tunnel, tracing a row of gray cables and illuminating neon graffiti that read, “MAY THE WORLD BURN IN FLAMES FOR I AM CUMMING.”
Yugo chuckled and took a drag before turning toward a plain metal door, one of many hidden in the darkness. This was the third door they’d approached, but the only one showing signs of having been recently opened.
Greg pried the metal door open, causing it to swing wide and hit the wall. Behind it stood another solid metal door, its smart lock blinking.
“Jackpot!” Greg’s waterfall voice echoed through the subway. “But I need something better than this.” Greg stepped back and tossed the pry bar aside. A loud clang echoed through the darkness, making Yugo cringe.
“Let me…” Tilting his blond head, Tobias spat on the rails and approached the door. He pulled a Flipper Zero[7]from his pocket, dropped to one knee by the door, and pressed the white-and-orange device to the lock. With a click, the door opened, and pale blue neon light spilled into the dusty subway.
“How did you get a copy of the smart key?” Yugo asked mildly curious. To copy it, Tobias must have had access to the original at some point. It seemed highly unlikely that Mio had handed it over.
Tobias let out a neurotic snort before turning his head. In the torchlight, his crooked teeth flashed white. With fluid grace, he rose from one knee and brushed dust from his jeans.
“Paranoia is one of the perks of the job.” Tobias shrugged. “Mio leaves his things lying around, so sometimes I copy his stuff. You never know what might come in handy. I just didn’t know what that key opened until now.”
He barked a laugh and invited Yugo to follow with a clownish bow and flourish.
Yugo stepped into an impressive man cave. The room, twenty feet wide and forty feet long, had gray concrete walls devoid of decorations. Tube lights on the high ceiling suggested the room had once been a storage facility. Six monitors were mounted on the wall opposite the door. A few gadgets lay scattered around the bunk bed bolted to the left wall, but only the top mattress had linens. A shaggy gray rug lay beside it.
Tobias grabbed the back of the black-and-neon-green gaming chair and slumped down with a tired sigh. He cracked his knuckles and let his fingers fly over a V-shaped glowing keyboard with wrist rests. After a while, he plugged a USB flash drive into the tower, and the furious tapping resumed.
Yugo pulled a crumpled bedsheet to his face. The faint scent of freshly baked bread was nearly imperceptible. He looked around with piqued interest. An unfinished can of Coke sat on an improvised table made from three stacked car tires topped with a piece of plywood. A chubby gray rat sat inthe shadows behind it, unfazed by their presence. Holding the remains of a pastry in its tiny, pink hands, it eyed Yugo with beady eyes, making him wonder if Mio had been feeding it leftovers for quite some time. A crumpled paper bag bearing a round bakery logo lay a few feet away from the rodent, under the desk, which looked as if it had beenpieced together from an old metal rack.
SCREEEEECH.The rat dropped the treat and scurried under the desk.
“For fuck’s sake!” Tobias cursed, kicking his legs away from the desk. The chair he’d been sitting in rolled to the middle of the room as he jumped to his feet. “Gross!”
