Page 58 of Doubts of the Egoist
He tried to think of an excuse for why Yugo would do such a thing without warning him but failed.Did you run back to Mio as soon as we had a problem?
That was a paranoid thought Kuon didn’t want to explore. Whatever was going on, he wanted to hear it from Yugo’s mouth. He shook his head, trying to clear his mind, but a neurotic spasm clogged his throat and made his heart stutter.
The bang of the front door shook him out of his paralysis. He blinked and looked up. A scarred, pale face stared back at him from the window’s black surface. A deep crease cut between his brows as he stabbed his bottom lip with a canine tooth. The dark scars outlining his sunken eyes made his infernal reflection resemble an extra in a zombie movie, except Kuon didn’t need any makeup to look half dead.
He grimaced, slammed his palm against the window, then strode out of the room, away fromhisreflection and the insecurities it awakened.
To avoid an awkward collision, he took the backstairs that led into the hall from the library side. Yugo was still there,holding Mio in his arms as if he were the most precious thing in the world. The all-too-familiarscene shouldn’t have hurt—besides, he already knew what to expect from this meeting—so why did the air scald Kuon’s lungs, leaving him breathless?
A middle-aged senior housekeeper stood in front of Yugo, listening with the utmost attention. Her small, birdlike head, with a tight, high bun, bobbed as the Black Duke instructed her quietly.
“I’m tired. Take me to the bedroom.” Mio’s request sounded like an order. His long fingers clawed at the black-clad back as he looked up, then pulled himself up to reach Yugo’s mouth. Their lips touched.
So, this is how it is?A sledgehammer of something dark and ugly rammed into Kuon’s chest. The hall remained well-lit, but the shadows swirling at the corners of his vision thickened, leaching the colors from his surroundings.
Kuon blinked, rubbing his palm over his heart, where the emotional impact still rattled. For something intangible, it hurt too damn much. He closed his eyes and jammed his canine tooth into his lower lip to distract himself from the phantom pain. Without the visual trigger, the pain let go, diluted by the coppery taste.
It was almost funny when he thought about it. All this time, he had forced himself to swallow and digest the Black Duke’s past spoon by spoon in order to stay at Yugo’s side. Now, the senseless act of self-poisoning made him physically sick. He wanted to throw it all up.
“Was this even real? Any of it?”The bitterness of Yugo’s voice, reborn in his mind, forced a snort out of his mouth. The words he’d found important now sounded empty, cynical, andlaughable as Kuon once again felt played, confused, and lost.Nothing could be real with him. I’m an idiot.
He took a lungful of air, held it. When he exhaled, an unnatural emptiness sprawled inside him, squeezing out every emotion and taking the last flicker of pain with it.This emotionless vacuum was way too familiar, and it made him feel just as dead as he looked.
“Yugo, come on!” Mio whined.
Kuon pried his eyes open. With cold detachment, he examined the young man again. Time had not diminished Mio’s beauty. He’d matured and put on enough muscle to no longer be mistaken for a teenager, but he still looked alien and frail, and had that elusive air of carelessness about him. Kuon couldn’t deny that unlike himself, who was now a little more muscular than Yugo, Mio looked harmonious against Yugo’s athletic frame. At another time, the thought would have made him uncomfortable and gloomy, but for some reason, it left him indifferent now.
Wanting to feel something, he reached for anger—his constant companion these past years—but it was nowhere to be found. In the deathly hush of the perfect void, he found only understanding. Even if he tried, he didn’t know how to be angry at something he understood.
Young and gorgeous, Mio looked like a fallen angel, while Kuon resembled a creature ascended from hell. More importantly, Mio was open-minded, flexible, and forgiving. Unlike Kuon, who struggled with his place in Yugo’s life and past, Mio was always sure of what he wanted.
I can’t even blame Yugo…Anyone with eyes would choose someone so pretty over someone like me.
“Mio, stop it, or I’ll drop you,” Yugo uttered with a faint hint of annoyance.
Kuon’s focus drifted to the floor. When he found the strength to look up again, his eyes met Mio’s.
The sinful mouth twisted into a bitter grimace. Mio’s thin nostrils flared, and raw pain clouded his azure eyes.
What a selfish, uncaring bastard Yugo is…Kuon thought, watching Mio screw up his eyes, then open them in an instant. Confusion spread over his face, as if Mio didn’t believe what he was seeing or thought he saw a ghost. His already pale skin turned deathly white.He didn’t tell you, did he?
Within seconds, the shock drained from Mio’s features as he zeroed in on Kuon over Yugo’s shoulder with new intensity. Still, his lips kept twitching, threatening to turn into a snarl. He swallowed hard, lowered his chin, and Kuon read all the unspilled hatred and indignation boiling in his dilated pupils.
A haunting feeling of déjà vu brought back the realization that nothing had changed. Mioraised an open palm, then clenched his fist twice in an uncompromising farewell gesture.
You don’t have to tell me to fuck off. I have no intention of staying.Kuon shrank back into the shadows of the narrow corridor behind him, pressed himself flat against the cold wall. It felt as if an eternity had passed before the heavy footsteps faded upstairs and all sounds died away. A deafening silence filled his ears, resonating with his inner void. Wanting to escape both, Kuon took a deep breath and stalked toward the door.
He stumbled as he reached the doormat. The change in floor texture made him aware of his bare feet, but just thinking about going upstairs to get his shoes, from a bedroom that was no longer his, turned his stomach. He didn’t know what hewould do if he found Mio in their bed.
Kuon pulled the door open and slipped out into the night.
As Greg promised,no one stopped Kuon from driving through the gates in a borrowed car. No one followed him either. The pedals chilled his soles as the road blurred, twisting and distorting before his eyes. Nevertheless, even with his imperfect vision, sticking to the empty road wasn’t too hard in the purging light of the high beams.
He blasted drumming music, hoping it would keep him alert, but turned it off a minute later when the sound only resonated with his inner void. The smooth asphalt gave way to a rutted dirt road, prompting him to slow down. His heartbeat was steady and slow, as he focused on navigating each turn.
He’d almost fallen into a trance when a four-legged shadow flashed before his eyes. His heart leaped into his mouth. He slammed on the brakes on a pure reflex. The car jolted and shook. His surroundings blurred. The steering wheel jerked to the left. The car veered into a ditch. His head snapped forward; pain stabbed between his temples. Before he could process what had happened, his hand flew up to shield himself from the airbag hitting his face.
For a moment, Kuon sat silently with his face nearly buried in the airbag, inhaling the smoky smell of burned rubber, listening for wings flapping in the night, and twigs snapping as something galloped through the forest—probably a deer. He turned the engine off and got out of the tilted-forward car, its door plowing through wet dirt as he pushed it.
