Page 56 of Doubts of the Egoist
“Yeah? What’s expected of me?” He almost blurted out, “To warm his bed?”but bit his tongue under Greg’s disapproving gaze. Kuon grimaced, embarrassed by his sudden outrage which only revealed his insecurities and weakness. Blood pounded in his ears, and his cheeks burned.Why did I start this conversation? I’m pathetic…“Forget it. You’re getting married in a month. How could you possibly understand?”
Jaw aching with helpless rage, Kuon stalked to the door, but Greg only had to reach out an arm to bar the way. Kuon stumbled back, glaring.
“Nothing is expected of you, and that’s a good thing,” Greg said calmly. “You can be as involved in his life as you want. He left you here, but it was you who opened the boxes. Whatever your role, or no role at all, it’s up to you. He gave you a choice. But if you can accept what you’ve seen, that will be more than enough.”
The bait hides the hook,Kuon thought as he huffed out a short laugh. A hydra named Doubts reared one of its heads. He needed more time to process, but he also wanted to see Yugo. He wanted Yugo to dispel his doubts, not Greg.
“Why are you answering my questions and not Yugo? Where the hell is he?”
“Business.”
“Business…” Kuon echoed. He couldn’t help but connect Greg’s words with Yugo’s desire to introduce Kuon to his business partners.
The more Kuon knew, the fewer chances he had to stay out of the S-Syndicate’s business, especially since he didn’t think he could hold Yugo’s interest for long with such a body. He still wasn’t sure how serious Yugo was about him or how long this relationship could last. If one day it ended, what kind of role would he have to play when leaving was no longer an option?
Another of the hydra’s heads rose, and Kuon shook his head.
“I should have thought of this earlier,” Kuon whispered, squeezing his eyes lightly to relieve the itch. Getting angry was unwise; in this situation, he only had himself to blame. Yugo couldn’t change his past, and he surely wouldn’t change his ways to accommodate Kuon. But after the prolonged emotional vacuum, the feelings Yugo stirred intoxicated and blinded him. It was his own fault for getting carried away and living one day at a time without any care for the future.
Kuon’s common sense told him to leave. There were too many obstacles to expect any kind of happily ever after.Could people like Yugo have one at all?Kuon grimaced, trying to imagine it. His intuition predicted that this relationship couldonly end in murder or total, blind submission, where Kuon would no longer care who Yugo killed, or why.
“You don’t have to bite off more than you can chew,” Greg said, his usually booming, loud voice softened, sounding almost pleasant.
Kuon scowled. He knew how it worked. As soon as something was justified, it became easier to swallow. If he accepted one thing, he would acquiesce to the rest, given time. By justifying the murders, Greg attempted to build the moral code he’d mentioned and to help absolve the rest of Yugo’s actions, making everything the Black Duke did seem acceptable. Greg’s story didn’t make Yugo any less of a murderer, but it made Kuon understand him just enough to want to stay by his side.This is already happening.
“I thought Yugo was the serpent in the Garden of Eden, but now I see it’s you,” Kuon muttered, making Greg chuckle. “How does it feel to tempt a mind?”
“You flatter me, lad.”
“Do I?” Kuon hung his head, realizing how fucked up this was.I just watched him murder a bunch of men, and all I can think about is how much I wish he had told me this story himself. When did I become this shallow?
A splitting headache pressed against his temples. He was too tired to form a coherent, rational thought. It would be best if he left. Away from this place and the emotional pressure, he would have a better chance to process everything, calm his emotions, and make a logical decision. Yet, he didn’t move, and this time it wasn’t Greg’s arm that held him back.
God, this is stupid. I’m stupid.Kuon glanced at the bullet hole in the ceiling.
Yugo’s voice haunted him. “Was it even real? Any of it?”
Why else would I be here, talking to your bodyguard, looking for reasons to stay despite everything? The conditioning doesn’t last that long, does it?
But Greg is right. I can’t stay here without becoming a part of Yugo’s life. It will catch up with me whether I want it to or not. If I don’t make my own terms, Yugo will make them for me, but he won’t give me the option of leaving.He had no idea where to start, except to talk to Yugo, but he wasn’t there. Tired of wavering, and wanting to take his mind off the heavy thoughts, he asked, “Is there a way to get this translated? All of it?”
Greg shook his head, eyes boring into Kuon. “What for? It’s been seventeen years.”
“Is that a no?” Kuon’s voice gained strength and confidence. “Fine, I’ll use a machine translation…”
“Hmm…” A slight tilt of Greg’s head let the light glint off his black, impenetrable eyes. “Didn’t you want to leave?”
Kuon ruffled his hair, not knowing how to explain himself. In order to decide whether to stay or go, and whether the game was worth the reward, he had to look Yugo in the eye and ask the question that had been bothering him for days.
Also, within minutes, the case had become personal. He needed to know what had happened to Yugo to understand him better. “I’ll stay. At least until he’s back, so give me something to keep my mind occupied or I might just open the rest of the boxes.”
Greg nodded, face stretching into a grin. “Fine, but I can only manage a couple of pages a day. What do you need first?”
“Those.” Kuon pointed to the screens. “I want to know who they were.”
Greg pulled some files out of the box and exited the room, leaving Kuon staring at the autopsy folder.
After a few minutes of listening to the system unit buzz, Kuon grabbed his smartphone, installed the Italian keyboard, and activated the speech-to-text feature. He replayed one of the videos, watching the phone’s transcript of the rapid Italian speech. He hoped that running it through machine translation would help him understand at least parts of the interrogation.
