Page 49 of Doubts of the Egoist
Like a snowball rolling down a mountain, Kuon doomscrolled through his past. Scenes of passion drifted into unnecessary cruelty, followed by excessive tenderness that, in another context, could easily be mistaken for affection. Then it all repeated. And repeated. And repeated. Until his former self finally gave in. Then, it was just sex; sometimes sensual, sometimes rough and animalistic, but always laced with depravity.
He had many questions, but Yugo wasn’t there to answer them. His shock dulled, and even the most perverse scenes lost their sting. He thought nothing could surprise him anymore until one film changed everything.
Emotions coiled in his chest, blood boiling, as his heart thrashed against his ribs. The image of a disheveled, drenched Yugo watching him with the feverish gaze of a madman etched itself into his memory. His pale, trembling lips muttered death threats that sounded more like the confessions of a five-year-old who’d rather break his favorite toy than share it.
As if to add to his misery, Yugo’s words boomed in his head, mocking his attempts to understand the Black Duke.
“If I have to hurt you to keep you from hurting yourself, I’ll do it again. You died in the river. Your heart stopped beating. Your choice of death over my touch made me so livid that I considered finishing you off myself, but … couldn’t. Still, I had to do something to ensure you’d never try anything like that again.”
Knowing that if he kept watching, he’d see the whipping scene, Kuon locked up the small surveillance room and left the mansion for the first time in days.
The image of Yugo’s pale face, his burning, haunted gaze, and his head resting on Kuon’s motionless hand confirmed his words.
If you cared so much, why didn’t you say anything? Bastard…
Or was it Kuon’s wishful thinking? After all, children were also upset when their favorite toy got broken.
But Kuon was tired of guessing. He wanted to look into those cold gray eyes and ask whether Yugo was in love with him. Deep down, he knew that if Yugo said “yes,” he would try to forget the sounds of the cracking whip, the rape, and his screams. He would no longer hesitate.
But Yugo didn’t return. Not that day, nor the next.
Progressing through the folder didn’t take Kuon as long as he expected. He skipped most of the sex scenes, tired of watching himself squirm and moan, but slowed whenever the footage showed him sleeping. He never knew that Yugo pulled him into an embrace and whispered nothings into his ear, chasing away his nightmares. He had never noticed the way Yugo looked at him. Kuon couldn’t help wondering how things might have changed if either of them had been more honest orperceptive.
On the fifth day, Kuon swallowed his pride and called “Sweetheart”, but Yugo didn’t pick up. He asked Greg about Yugo’s whereabouts but received a noncommittal answer—a business trip.
His walks grew longer, his eyesight keener, and his observations more astute.
He couldn’t help noticing that Yugo’s mansion, though beautifully built, lacked individuality. Amid the constant bustle and underlying white noise, it was easy to overlook how the expensive furnishings did little more than make the place merely livable and functional. Except for a few rooms, most of the mansion felt bland, like a hotel or temporary accommodation, as if Yugo had neither the time nor the desire to make it cozy.
Very little art or decor brightened the walls of the clinical environment. Even the nicely furnished dining room on the second floor looked unused. The china-blue porcelain dishes in the cupboard still had stickers on their undersides.
Kuon wandered through the mansion, opening door after door. Some rooms were locked, others were not, but apart from the master bedroom, only one room down the hall on the second floor bore any personality. Judging by the size of the clothes in the walk-in closet, it belonged to Mio.
Feeling like an intruder, he left and descended into the basement. But the flickering light and the wasp-like buzzing of the lamps triggered a rush of unpleasant memories that drove him out of the mansion
The thought that the Black Duke might leave at any moment without looking back struck him halfway between the front gate and porch, resurrecting Yugo’s words about Sicily inhis memory.
Could this place be a hideout, a temporary home, even though Yugo has stayed here for years? Has it always been his plan to move back to Sicily?
The notion made sense. Unlike other crime lords who settled on the outskirts of Vienna, Yugo chose a place hidden deep in the woods, far away from any city or airport yet safely protected from intrusion.
In comparison, Gray’s mansion boasted wealth. The gardens were lush, rooms abounded with collectibles, and no strangers lived there—only the household staff. Gray never mixed business with personal life.
Yugo’s mansion, however, resembled a private military training camp. Less than a mile away lay an obstacle course, a helipad with a small helicopter, and a shooting range.
Losing himself in his thoughts, Kuon made one final tour of the grounds before returning to the master bedroom.
As another night drew a curtain of silence over the mansion, Kuon sank into the cold leather chair. Wrapping his arms around himself, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes.
He didn’t want to go to bed; it was too big, too cold. The moment he lay down, a beast of loneliness clawed at his rib cage. He didn’t want to feel lonely or miss Yugo because it made him feel like an abandoned puppy pining for its master. The fact that Yugo hadn’t called even once only worsened his mood.
Where the fuck are you? Coward, why are you running away? Come, face me… what are you afraid of?
He bit his lip and tried to sleep, but unlike his body, hismind remained alert. When hours passed and he still couldn’t rest, Kuon got up and shuffled back into the small surveillance room. He approached the metal rack and ran his fingers over the black leather of the nearest box, identical to the one Kuon had already opened. His heart sped up, urging him to drop the idea, but the need to see if Yugo had otherpet projectslike himself or kept mementos of one of his former lovers, of Mio, overpowered his instinct for self-preservation. He hesitated before pulling the next box from the shelf. He needed to know if he was special or just another number in Yugo’s collection.
“Curiosity killed thecat,”Yugo’s voice jeered in Kuon’s head as he scrolled through countless evidence of bribes, verbal agreements, and transactions instead of the expected sex records. Politicians, military officers, prosecutors, police officers, among others… Kuon couldn’t fathom the scope of Yugo’s reach. The amount of dirt he’d uncovered on so many powerful people was impressive.
If I could only bring this to the police, the whole system would collapse.Kuon cringed, suffering an ego-demolishing flashback of Gray’s confession.“If the government wanted Yugo or me arrested, we would be rotting in jail.We call it ‘taxes’. From time to time, we gotta let the police show results. So we occasionally give them a scapegoat along with a decent amount of goods. While we do that, the government lets us work. Everyone’s happy.”
