Page 105 of Doubts of the Egoist
“I don’t fuck him. It’s not that simple.” Yugo shrank away and moved toward the hidden bar niche, knowing curiosity would tether Kuon in place better than shackles.
He needed a strong drink if he was going to talk about Mio. Even though gossip and sidelong glances bothered him even less than they did his nephew, revealing the truth to Kuon made his palms clammy with nerves. The truth was a deadly weapon that had to be wielded with caution. It had already cost him the fragile happiness he’d had. Who knew what it might do now?
He pulled out a glass and a bottle of rum, then fixed himself an amber-colored drink. The smell stirred an aversion to alcohol brought on by the hangover. His stomach churned. Disgusted, he left the drink on the narrow bar in favor of a bottle of water and downed half of it in one gulp. “I’ve never fuckedhim or enjoyed his body in any way. I satisfy him from time to time, but that’s all.”
Kuon rubbed his temple near the healing wound with the heel of his palm. “Why? If you don’t want him, don’t mess with him. He’s crazy about you.”
“That’s the problem.” Yugo wandered aimlessly through the room, needing to move to collect his thoughts, then stopped at the window. The small, lifeless fly on the windowsill caught his attention. He blew on it, and it tumbled across the surface. Not wanting to think about the symbolism, he took a cigarette from the nearby pack. He lit it, and a wisp of smoke escaped his lips, swirling in the air as he took a drag. The aromatic poison relaxed him enough for his shoulders to lose their stiff edge.
He gestured toward the sofa with the burning end of his cigarette, offering Kuon a seat, then turned back to the window. A single sconce cast enough light to make the window glass reflective. The cascading rain distorted the image, but Yugo saw Kuon’s expression slip as the need to keep his mask on no longer pressed upon him. A bitter grimace twisted the hard line of his lips, and his confused eyes searched the room as if looking for something.
At least he stayed. For now.Yugo cringed at his thoughts and took another drag of his cigarette.
“I don’t mess with him. He knows I don’t reciprocate his feelings.”
“Does he?” Kuon tilted his head with a skeptical snort. “Is he okay with that?”
“He isn’t, but I could never give him more. He was six or seven when his obsession with me began. A therapist said witnessing the death of his family made him cling to theonly relatives he had. No one thought much of his attachment when he was little. It was even cute, but as he grew older, his confessions became bolder and less welcome.” Kuon stood silently, chewing the inside of his cheek, so Yugo continued, “It wasn’t hard to fend off his advances when he was in his early teens. He accepted the explanation that I had no interest in kids, and it worked well… but kids grow up fast. By the time he turned eighteen, that argument was null and void in his eyes, especially since physically he was my ‘type’.”
Kuon’s head hung low, making his expression unreadable, but mockery in his voice was hard to miss. “Oh, don’t tell me he raped you.”
“Of course not.” Yugo almost laughed at the absurdity. When Kuon jerked his chin up, asking him to continue, Yugo summed up the rest. “Mio is stubborn. When he sets his mind on something, he never gives up. He cried, seduced, screamed, threatened, manipulated, blackmailed, and eventually he found a way to get my attention. Giving in was easier than continuing this endless war.”
Contempt stained Kuon’s expression with every one of Yugo’s words, but his eyes only flickered brighter from beneath the shadows of his furrowed eyebrows. “That’s it? That’s all it took? He played a few tricks, and you willingly betrayed your late sister’s trust by getting involved with her son?”
Yugo turned around, silencing him with a glare. “Yes and no. Mio is trained to find a weakness and take advantage of it. It was only a matter of time before he found mine.”
“What was that?” Kuon asked, lips curling into a snarl.
Yugo let it pass. He wasn’t ashamed of what he’d done and had no remorse, so he shrugged and admitted, “Himself.He exploited it well. Part of me would’ve been proud of him if I weren’t the one being blackmailed.”
“How?”
“He went to a BDSM club and found a dangerous sadist who was blacklisted in most clubs. He emailed me a copy of the contract where he gave consent to anything. I tracked him down and found Mio chained to a bed in a private room of an illegal club, with bleeding cuts on his chest.” Yugo cringed, remembering the red fog and the bloody scene that had followed. How he had left the club with Mio scooped in his arms, never bothering to check if the man was still alive. “I gave in.”
Kuon’s voice, flat and void of inflection, raised the hairs on the back of Yugo’s neck. “Did it ever occur to you that he would have given up on this idea if you had let him go through with it?”
“I didn’t have the luxury of taking that risk.” Yugo took a shuddering drag to drive away the sudden chill in his marrow, then handed Kuon a trump card. “He has an atrial septal defect. It’s a hole between the chambers of his heart. Stress and pain could increase the blood pressure in his lungs, possibly causing blood vessels to burst.”
Kuon scowled, tilted his chin to the side, squinted as if rushing through his memory, then asked hesitantly, “Can’t it be cured?”
“Yes, surgically. We tried once, but the ASD was too big, and the rims too narrow. He was in a coma for a week; the opening reduced slightly but did not fully close. He also has severe hemophilia A. Until recently, he had to receive infusions every other day, but even with substituted factor VIII, his blood doesn’t always clot.” Yugo crushed the cigarette in the ashtrayand opened the window to let in some air. The breeze blew the dead fly off the windowsill and threw raindrops into his face. He welcomed the cool wetness as a distraction from the unpleasant flashback.
“Fuck…”
“Yeah, fuck… I love Mio. Not in a sexual way, but I love him.” Yugo turned to see Kuon flinch at his words, so he hurried to clarify. “He’s my only family; I’ll do anything to protect him. So you see, when he pulled “that trick”, it wasn’t a hard decision for me. Like you said, Mio is a pretty thing. He doesn’t turn me on, but he doesn’t repel me either. I didn’t have any emotional attachments at that point, so getting rid of occasional playmates wasn’t too much of a sacrifice. I hoped he’d eventually give up, realize it wasn’t love and that he was mistaken. He never did.”
A flashback ofMio jumping into Yugo’s arms hovered before Kuon’s eyes.Slender, angular form… pale, translucent skin… feverishly glinting eyes… too-bright lips.Kuon had always thought Mio looked a little unhealthy, but he never expected such serious health problems.A hole in his heart. Fuck…
Kuon rubbed his throat, trying to piece together the puzzle in his mind. Mio’s words, spoken to lure him out of the white room, finally made sense.“He is seeking things he can’t get from me in others, and I resent it.”
What could those things be if not sex? Does Mio think his health issues are the only reason Yugo isn’t attracted to him? Yugo is wrong. Mio has no idea his feelings are unrequited. Unless he takes after Yugo and simply doesn’t care, which would be ironic.
The rest of the information fell into place. Yugo’s suddenbusiness trip… unreturned calls… Mio.
“Was it… really a business trip, or did Mio pull another trick?” Kuon felt Yugo’s reluctance to reply in every fiber of his being. When Yugo let out a sigh of irritation, Kuon knew the answer before the words broke the silence.
“Both. The ‘trick’ was business-related.”
