Page 116 of Seth
Everything was going to hell, and he had no idea how to stop it. He kneeled and covered his head with his hands.
* * *
Gustavo restedhis eyesin the shadow of his palm, unable to watch the display anymore. Seth’s pain, so vivid on the screen, unsettled him. Ever since the night in the burned-down summer camp, Gustavo’s attitude toward Seth shifted again, obtaining possessive, protective characteristics. New affection rooted in his chest as Seth’s cryptic gaze haunted him. Back then, as the water hit the bridge of Seth’s nose to flow into both eyes, Seth looked desperate, dependent. Gustavo knew it wasn’t trust but a necessity. And that necessity granted him the most intimate moment he’d had in years, even if it lacked sexual touch.
Something shifted in Gustavo’s chest. The mysterious image of the beast he’d seen the night they met, crumbled to reveal something frail and desperate.
He no longer wanted to fight or provoke Seth, instead he yearned to protect him, take care of him.
Ever since that night, nothing satisfied him. Even Hans’ perfect body didn’t excite him anymore. Time after time, he turned to the memory of the marble-like streaks on Seth’s skin and his insecure gaze stripped of trust.
That night left him craving more, and that was why he stopped seeking Seth’s company. The aura of the brutal beast dispersed, revealing a desperate man ready to burn the world for the person he loved. Gustavo no longer doubted that Seth loved Ignaz, even if he couldn’t understand this love.
* * *
“Want to hearsomething funny?”Ignaz croaked as soon as Seth entered the master bedroom. He sat on the bed, a medkit resting next to him. Fresh bandages hugged his wrists. Dressed in a white linen t-shirt and pants set, he looked out of the window at the pale sky. “I don’t even like pain. I’ve never managed to reach what they call subspace.”
Seth considered leaving, but his feet didn’t obey him anymore. As if tethered, he approached the bed and sat. “Why do you do this then?”
“At first, for him. After I left home, I didn’t have a place to stay. He gave me everything—a job, food, roof, care, acceptance, then love. He was my world. I wanted him to be proud of me and not play with anyone else. I didn’t enjoy it, but I was happy to please him. Then, after…” Ignaz stumbled for a moment, then continued, “I needed pain to feel better, to feel something, anything other than this sucking hollowness, emptiness, worthlessness, and guilt. Pain became my escape place, the only way to hear his voice again. When I hurt for someone, I can hear him telling me how good I am and that I can take more. When I hurt, I don’t need to think or make decisions. The more I hurt, the lighter my head becomes, and the clearer I can hear him. It was that simple.
“And then I met you, and nothing is simple anymore. I can’t stop thinking. I hear him all the time. He’s in my head, screaming, just like that night. I can’t sleep. In my dreams, they rape me again and again, but now they don’t have eyes. They touch me with their dead hands, and all I feel is cold and numbness. The pain doesn’t help anymore. It doesn’t make me better. I thought I could be happy with you. Why did you have to take it away? I was finally better…”
“Nothing’s changed,” Seth breathed the words out.
“Everything has changed.” Ignaz turned, and Seth instinctively faced the movement. Deep-blue eyes glowed with tears and desperation. “I don’t think I can do this. How can I pretend that nothing happened? I barely know you, and you just went ahead and killed eleven people. People you didn’t know. I’m scared of you. Even this conversation terrifies me, but I don’t know what else to do. I still hope it’s all just a bad joke and you will laugh and tell me “Got you.” Will you tell me the truth if I ask you things? Please?”
Seth closed his eyes as his vision blurred. He couldn’t trust his voice, so he nodded instead.
“What happens if we don’t work out? Will you let me leave? Will you hurt me too?”
Seth gaped at him, unblinking, unable to believe his ears.I made a mistake again. Of course, he wouldn’t understand. DeSilva was right. It takes a monster to understand a monster. Someone pure could never understand.
“What’s with your hands? And your eyes are red. Were you crying?” Ignaz reached a hand to Seth’s cheek.
“Don’t.” Seth flinched away from the contact as if it could burn him. He swallowed the thick saliva and whispered, “Leave, if this is what you want.”
“Aren’t you scared I’ll report you?”
Seth didn’t answer. He watched Ignaz, not sure what to say anymore. Words lost their meaning and sounded empty in his head.He won’t believe me anyway.
“Please, don’t look at me like this…” Ignaz mouthed.
“Like what?”
“Like I matter because it’s not true.”
“Why not?” Seth dropped his gaze. He wanted to scream because they were back to stage one, where he had to conceal his feelings again.
“You didn’t try to stop me today.”
“People who want to be stopped don’t do it at home alone. If you’ve already decided, I can’t always be on time.” Seth looked at his fists as they proved his impotence. “I don’t understand… Is it really better to die than be with me? If so, leave.”
Seth didn’t want to hear the answer, so he got up and retired into the bathroom.
“I’m sorry… Seth, I’m so sorry.”
The door clicked closed, shutting Ignaz off. Seth turned the water on and stepped under the stream.
