Page 12 of Pursuing the Egoist
“Funny…” Noah didn’t smile. “And here Patrice said that in the modern world, it’s hard to gain anyone’s respect by sucking their cocks. I should tell him that, apparently, it’s enough for you to like me.”
“Huh?” Noah managed to surprise him. Yugo had never thought that a person like Noah, who used to spend his nights in the dark rooms of gay nightclubs, chasing pleasure, could think about the future or try to gain anyone’s affection or respect, especially his.
“But maybe he is right.” Noah said and, at the moment, Yugo itched to crack Noah’s skull open and see what’s going on inside. “I used to think that you give me so much space and freedom because you like me. But now I see… This is what your “like” looks like.” Noah pointed a finger to the wall joined with the white room. “This makes me wonder if I want you to like me at all...”
“Slut, you are drunk.” Palm covering the icy finger, Yugo forced his hand down.
“Yeah, I guess. But I have the right to be. I’m mourning, you see?” A chuckle with sadness, Noah rested his upper body on the fur. “I won’t be able to see you as often anymore. So… wanna fuck?”
“No, but care to elaborate?”
“I’m also looking for a job.”
“A job? Why do you need a job? Have you already spent everything I transferred to your account? If you keep spending with such speed, no job can help you.”
Noah snorted. “I didn’t touch your money.”
“Why not?”
“The first rule of survival: never take money from a mobster.” A familiar, neon glint returned to Noah’s eyes; he laughed.
“Are you trying to insult me?” Yugo leaned into the boy, washing his ear in hot breath. Noah’s laughter grew stronger. When the boy stopped shaking, Yugo asked, “Don’t want my money, whatever. Why don’t you ask Patrice then?”
“His money comes with conditions. And none of them are to suck his cock.”
“Kids sure are complicated nowadays…” In the fallen silence, Yugo stared in the fire, thinking that he didn’t know anything about the brat. Maybe today was the longest talk they had ever had. “I’d like to talk about this again tomorrow when you’re sober.”
Noah didn’t say anything. Lifting, he reached behind Yugo and grabbed the bottle again, this time taking a few large gulps.
“You should stop,” Yugo said.
“I don’t want to stop.”
Noah’s voice sounded detached, so Yugo asked, “What do you want then?”
“A pizza with ketchup.” A dreamy expression crossed his face as Noah put the bottle against the hearth, eyes attracted to the amber liquid.
“Slut, I won’t insult the chef with such a request.”
“Please?” A disarming smile split Noah’s face; he lay onto the pelt, rubbed his cheek against the fur, still staring at the light playing with the whiskey.
Like a cat…With a sigh, Yugo got up, threw a bathrobe over his naked body, and strolled out of the room. When he reentered the bedroom, carrying the abomination of a pizza on a plate, Noah was already asleep. In his hands, he tightly clutched a nearly finished bottle of whiskey.
TOBIAS’ CALL, INFORMINGhim about his and Mio’s return from Kabul, drew Yugo away from the mansion, Noah, and thoughts of Kuon. He could have saved time and invited Tobias over, but the mere thought of Mio tagging along changed his mind, as he couldn’t think of anything worse than Mio learning about Noah.
When night swallowed the ground, and he returned home, his room stood desolate. Noah was gone, but his phone was shoved between the bare teeth of the wolf pelt, a net of cracks over the screen. His Maserati was gone as well, and Yugo assumed that the boy would most likely return within a day or two.
Alone in his bedroom, Yugo wondered if he should leave too, or summon some rent boys. For the whole day, he managed to avoid thoughts about Kuon, but as soon as his foot stepped into the cool darkness of his bedroom, he realized that there was no escape from the ghosts of his memories. They hovered in every shadow, every object, empowered by Noah’s careless words.
“Usually, after sex, we sleep or you go about your business and leave me here alone, bouncing against the walls bored out of my mind.”
One night, one talk, had changed everything, as with easy carelessness, Noah’s words wiped off a thick layer of dust covering his past. The hungry dog of his mind started gnawing on the skeleton of his past again, making him crave to see Kuon.
Despite knowing better, he approached the bed and tugged at the wall lamp next to it. The hidden door behind the nightstand opened, welcoming him with well-conditioned air.
Standing in the doorway, he peered into the darkness flickering with neon lights. Among the dead screens, a few displays glowed, showing the perimeter of his mansion. The metal rack stood at the back of the small monitor room. Black leather boxes filled the shelves, the metal corners glinted, enticed.
Resting his shoulder against the doorframe, Yugo plucked a cigarette out of the chest pocket of his black suit. He hoped that nicotine would help clear his mind and recover his senses. In a way, he felt like a junky who’d been sober for years and had been offered a free dose. While his mind said ‘no’, every cell in his body screamed ‘chase the dragon’[1].
