Page 34 of Obsession of the Egoist
No, stop…He didn’t want to know how a life of a little child had changed due to her mother’s carelessness. How the mother felt guilty for having aided in the loss of her kid’s sight. He already knew how the story ended, and he was powerless to change it. He wasn’t a doctor. He wasn’t an insurance worker. There was no reason for him to hear the details. He didn’t know the woman; he didn’t know the girl. It wasn’t his problem and, buried with his own, he didn’t want it to be. Yet, with every word, the woman kept involving him.
“I didn’t lock the darkroom. Nelly always loved to play with lens filters. She loved looking through them at the sky, watching colors change. She must have tried to reach them but knocked the developer off a shelf. Everything got spilled on her beautiful face, her eyes.” She started crying again, and for several long minutes, Kuon sat in the darkness all alone, not knowing what to do. “It’s been more than two years already. At first, they said they needed the burns to heal, then they tried meds, but her vision didn’t return. She is only six, and she is scared of the dark. I am so tired. I can’t leave her side for a moment, without her crying. I can’t work anymore. I have no one to leave her with. I had some money saved, but it’s running out. And today they pushed her back again. Now she is five thousand something on the list. It’s a joke!”
Without vision, Kuon’s imagination developed, providing him with elusive visuals. For the last year, his life involved constant dependence on other people, where he couldn’t even prepare food without asking for assistance.
But I’m an adult. I’m strong. I can deal with it. Can a six-year-old kid deal with the constant darkness?
He wanted to say that he was sorry, but his tongue stuck to his palate. For the last two years, this woman must have heard those words so often, that by now they most likely rubbed her the wrong way.
“I’m sorry for telling you all this.” She blew her nose. The strength that seeped into her voice informed him she had managed to collect herself. She sucked in a deep breath and added, “You have your own problems.”
He opened his mouth to say that everything would be okay when the heavy footsteps of the doctor returned. The door creaked open, and another set of light footfalls approached as the high-pitched voice of the nurse reached him from his right. “Herr Leiris, your turn.”
“I hope…” he managed, the motion of his wheelchair being rolled away vibrating in the soles of his feet and his fingers. He twisted around toward the place where he thought the woman was but couldn’t find words. “It’s gonna be…”
The door slammed closed before he finished, and he hoped that the story the woman had told him would remain behind the doors, somewhere in the corridor.
It didn’t.
‘How is it, not being able to see? Very scary?’The question she’d asked haunted him, reanimating the events that left him blind. He remembered the first day after the terroristic act and how desperately he’d wanted to remove the bandages to check if he could see anything at all, but the sedatives kept his limbs glued to the bed. He remembered the doctor removing the bandages for the first time, but only gray nothingness greeted him.
To keep his eyelids immobilized and speed the healing process, they had kept the bandages on. There was no need for them anymore, but he kept bandaging his upper face because the slick skin around his eyes terrified him. He was a grown man, yet he was frightened of his potential blind future. What would he do if the doctors couldn’t restore his vision? Would he have to learn how to read Braille books and use a stick to feel the way in front of him? Would he have to rely on others for the rest of his life? Only the thought of him being a burden turned his spine into a spire of ice.
I am scared, and I’m an adult. How does this child feel being robbed of her vision?
“How are you feeling?” Dr. Klor’s too cheerful voice was uncomfortably loud for Kuon’s ears. “Are you ready for the surgery?
“How am I feeling?” Kuon repeated the question. He searched for the answer within but found nothing. Instead, he started talking. His voice came out calm and even when he spoke about the war and death, people who served with him, and kids who were professional murderers by the age of ten. He wasn’t sure for how long he talked, or why he was speaking at all. Despite the busy schedule, the doctor didn’t stop him. When he ran out of words, he realized what he wanted, so he shrugged and prompted a single request that drowned in the death-like silence. Unsure what to add, Kuon rubbed his temple.
“Herr Leiris…” the heavy sigh broke the silence. When the doctor continued, his voice was quiet, yet firm. “Your surgery is scheduled for tomorrow. Do you even understand what you asked for?”
“I do,” Kuon interrupted. “Just run the tests.”
“Sleep on it. We will talk tomorrow,” the doctor said, before the wheelchair moved again, bringing him into the black, devastating silence of the hospital room.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE LEFT?”Yugo slammed his palms against the smooth surface of the polished wood as he towered above the doctor. “He has surgery today.”
“He asked me to check the compatibility between the donor and another patient of mine. They’re a good match, so he abandoned the corneas in favor of a little girl. I have a signed agreement.” The doctor pushed a paper toward him.
“You gotta be fucking kidding me!” With another slam of his palm, Yugo forced the doctor’s attention from the sheet of paper back to himself. “I fucking paid for those corneas. Cancel it!”
“You should settle this issue with Herr Leiris.” The doctor’s voice didn’t waver.
Black rage clouded Yugo’s soul. Fists and jaw clenched, cracking with tension. “Where is he?”
He wasn’t sure what he would do once he faced Kuon, but one thing he knew—it would hurt.
“The nurse took him to the park. His friend was here ten minutes ago. If they didn’t leave…” Yugo wasn’t listening. Pushing the door open, he rushed down the corridor and toward the automatic doors that led outside.
KUON’S HAIR SPARKED WITH REDunder the bright sun. The end of his loose bandage hung untucked and wrapped around his neck, but he didn’t seem to notice it. He sat on the narrow bench in the middle of the park, as Rick, squatting in front of him, buried his face in his hands.
“What the hell have you done?” Yugo growled, storming toward them. He had to stop a few feet away so the urge to punch Kuon wouldn’t overpower him. “Do you know how hard it was to get those corneas legally?”
Kuon’s face lit up, his lips twitched with laughter as he faced the sky, basking in the sun.
“If you’re talking about money, I’ll pay you back as soon as I can. Now consider it as charity and payback to society for all those innocent lives you’ve ruined. You don’t pay taxes, do you?”
“Fuck the money! Why the hell did you do that?” The splashing, uncontrollable anger curdled Yugo’s blood. His gaze fell at the end of the unwrapped bandage, and he vividly imagined how sweet it would feel to tie it around Kuon’s neck and watch him choke.
