Page 31 of Obsession of the Egoist
During that time, Kuon barely left the apartment. Busy with his work on a construction site, Rick had been constantly out. Loneliness, darkness, and the up-to-the-maximum-volume TV filled his days. The regret at declining Rick’s proposal to get a dog slowly grew. The wet nose of a friendly creature nuzzling his palm would ease his loneliness, or so he thought.
If anyone asked Kuon what day it was, he would shrug, as days merged into dull, gray nothingness, where even scar therapy treatments were an entertainment.
Gray called a few times, but since Kuon never took his calls the attempts eventually stopped. Kuon didn’t regret cutting the man off. The word ‘liability’ still rang in his ears, agitating and unsettling him whenever he remembered it.
Yugo came every day, but kept visits short. If Kuon was in a good mood, he stayed longer, but he never went further than touching Kuon’s face, and even then he instantly let go.
Kuon grew used to his visits. He kept his grumpy attitude because he wasn’t sure how to behave around Yugo, but he had to admit that he didn’t hate his presence. More than that, he looked forward to it, and the low sound of his voice.
The summer filled Kuon’s blood with excitement and anxiety. August was approaching—inevitably, irreversibly. And August brewed fear. What if the surgery didn’t go well? What if this darkness was permanent? What if he wouldn’t be able to see the sun, blue sky, even Yugo’s annoying face ever again?
Whenever those thoughts appeared, Kuon chased them away with severe workouts. But that day, his body was stiff, and even a small movement left him with no energy. Lying on the sofa, he clicked through the channels, but the constant adverts, cartoons, and soap operas turned his brain to mush.
Getting up, he turned off the TV and shuffled to the kitchen counter. Fingers found the edge, slid over the cool, stone-like surface before grabbing the kettle. With a habitual movement, he pressed the button. The kettle click reminded him of a gun being cocked. His mind trailed to sleepless nights he’d spent under the unfamiliar starry sky. Bullets hitting the ground fed him with dust. The heavy odor of camel dung in the air had been as intense as the gagging stench of human urine. Painful moans of wounded people grew so familiar, they didn’t bother him anymore, becoming a constant accompaniment of the death march of pattering bullets. In the sleepless nights, fear ghosted through the trenches. It made the smell unbearable. Someone cried, someone prayed. Kuon had stared at the sky, looking for familiar stars.
The water boiling pulled him out of his lethargy. He reached up and grabbed the nearest mug from the shelf, then placed it on the counter. Finding the can of instant coffee and a spoon, he poured some powder into the mug. Concentration seizing his chest, he kept his hand over the rim, grabbed the kettle, and placed the spout on the rim, close to his fingers, before he tilted it. The sound of running water reached his ears. Kuon breathed out, listening for the change in tone that indicated the mug had filled.
SHRIIIILLLLL!The chime of the doorbell demolished his focus, and his hand caught on fire. The mug slipped from his fingers and crashed against the floor, splashing hot water all over his naked legs.
“Damn it!” he cursed, as the sharp pain inflamed his skin. Heart slamming against his ribcage, he jumped back, and more water splashed around. Panic flared. His foot slipped on the wet floor when he tried to return the kettle on the counter. The shrill repeated, syringing anger into his system. His hand jerked, and he hit something with the kettle. Another smash shredded his nerves, and something powdery stuck to his burned leg.
“Fuck!” Rage and helplessness flooding his system, he pushed the air out of his lungs when the sound of the doorbell repeated. It maddened him. The inability to complete a simple task poisoned his blood, making him feel impotent, powerless.
Throwing the kettle to the counter, he propped his arms against the wet surface, breathing in and out. Trying to calm down, he searched his mind for where Rick kept a broom but found nothing. For some reason, he couldn’t let the mess be. Ignoring and walking away from it would mean a defeat. It would also mean that Gray had been right, and Kuon was a liability to everyone. There was no way he would prove Gray right.
If I can’t even make coffee, what am I good for?
Ignoring the annoying repetitive chime that drilled through his skull, Kuon squatted down. Pressing the edge of his palm against the floor, he inched it to the epicenter of the disaster, scooping the muddy water and the shards of the smashed mug. When the chimes stopped, Kuon let out another calming breath, but his phone started ringing instead. Jerking from the sound, sharp pain stabbed through the heel of his palm.
The last dam that repressed his electrified emotions broke, flooding his being with black fury. Growling with desperation, he slammed his fist against the cupboard, succumbing to the aggressive outburst. Adrenaline high in his blood, he didn’t feel any pain, just the impact radiating to his elbow.
WHEN KUON DIDN’T OPEN THE DOORand ignored his call, Yugo felt a pang of alertness in his chest. Fishing the copy of the keys he’d made from the ones he’d borrowed from Rick’s apartment, he opened the door, only to be greeted with loud breaking sounds. Darting to the kitchen, he froze.
Water, shards of glass, and coffee powder littered the floor. Rage bared Kuon’s teeth. He stormed through the kitchen, knocking objects off the counter—the kettle, then a microwave. His blind hand found a cupboard door, and he tried to break it from its hinges. His skin was mottled, t-shirt and shorts soaking wet, and his hands bleeding. Without thinking, Yugo grabbed Kuon from behind, but a rear elbow strike to his cheekbone caught him off guard and loosened his hold.
“Stop it!” Yugo growled, flinching back. Kuon spun; his teeth glinted with spite. Wordlessly, he moved toward the intruder, shoulders flexing with every step, then a hail of blows pounced upon Yugo. “Enough!”
“How did you get in?” Kuon growled, his voice so hoarse, it was barely recognizable. “Get out!”
Blocking the blind strikes, Yugo stepped back.
“Kuon, stop it. I’m not going to fight you,” he tried to reason—in vain.
“How the fuck did you get in?”
Step by step, Yugo retreated under the inexhaustible volley of short jabs, until his shoulderblades bumped against the wall.
“Would you stop?” he groaned, losing his patience. He ducked under Kuon’s arm, and spinning the younger man around, shoved his back to the wall. Fingers clasping around the wrists, he pinned them above Kuon’s head. His knee spread Kuon’s thighs as he pressed himself against his chest to prevent any attempts at resistance.
His heart drummed, matching the fast pulse on Kuon’s throat. The heat Kuon’s solid frame exuded seared Yugo’s skin. The proximity messed with his head. He ogled the body in front of him, drinking in the trickles of sweat that skidded down the sides of Kuon’s throat. His harsh, heavy breathing rocketed back and forth from his gaping mouth.
This is a bad idea…Yugo thought, wanting to taste the saltiness of Kuon’s upper lip.He wondered if Kuon’s kisses were the same as he remembered, rough yet questioning, uncertain.This is such a bad idea.
Despite the thought, he leaned forward and sealed the angry mouth with a kiss.
A surprised gasp accompanied the raged grimace as sharp teeth sunk into Yugo’s bottom lip. Despite the pain, Yugo leaned into the kiss. Sinking his fingers into the tender places of Kuon’s inner wrists, he listened for the maddening thuds of his pulse. His bottom lip broke under Kuon’s teeth, and blood trickled down his chin. Swallowing the metallic taste, he made a timid attempt to deepen the kiss. Sharp, angry huffs tickled his tongue. Kuon’s body jerked once, then again, and a shudder ran through his body, changing the dynamic. With the same passion Kuon had attacked a moment ago, he kissed him back.
A bloody tongue ran over Yugo’s bottom lip; Kuon leaned forward, freeing his hands. Teeth clashing, he yanked Yugo’s jacket off.
