Page 44 of Obsession of the Egoist
“I told you, you won’t understand.” he mouthed. “Drive me home.”
“Oh, I do understand,” Yugo replied, clutching the wheel. The desire to slap Kuon grew with every second. “When is your next appointment?”
“Why? What do you want, Yugo? Why do you keep coming? Two years ago, in the hospital, you said you didn’t need me anymore. Why do you care now?” Kuon didn’t open his eyes, didn’t lift his chin. “What is it? Pity? Guilt? Whatever it is, please spare me. I don’t want it.”
“Do I look like a person who does things out of pity or guilt?” Kuon kept silent, but a small flinch of his chin replied better than words. “I let you go because you almost blew your fucking brains out. You ask what I want? I came to collect what belongs to me!”
“You’re horrible.” Kuon’s voice trembled. “You’re just bored, you selfish bastard. The situation amuses you. My current state excites your twisted imagination. Such a wide scope for your superficial kindness, right? The control gives you a thrill. You enjoy pushing my limits like you did today. And you enjoy watching me follow because I…” Kuon stumbled, frowned, and didn’t finish. “What do you want, Yugo? Did you go so broke that you don’t have enough money for pretty toys anymore? Why did you find me after all this time? Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
“Because I want you.” Yugo breathed, unsure if this was the truth anymore. He had never seen Kuon like this before. Kuon had never been this open, weak, miserable. This wasn’t fun. This was painful. Yugo’s chest ached, longing for something, and he didn’t know how to alleviate this pain.
“What can you possibly want with me? Who is blind here?” Kuon spun; a mad grin reigning over his face. Dead eyes peered into Yugo’s face, sending a wave of dread down his spine. Kuon’s mouth twisted; his voice broke when he added, “Don’t you see? What’s there to want?”
The white eyes glistened. Kuon licked his lips, swallowed, then turned away.
“Kuon…”
“No…” Kuon shook his head, refusing to look at Yugo. “I want to go back.”
“Fine…” Yugo breathed and started the car.
KUON’S EYES BURNED,his throat closed up, and air failed to fill his lungs. He couldn’t believe he’d had a breakdown in front of Yugo. All this time, he’d done his best to show the man that he had been fine, that nothing could break him.
Why today?How pathetic.The more he thought about it, the harder his chest ached. He opened his lips to ease the breathing, but the sour saliva flooding his mouth forced him to swallow every other second.
When the car stopped, and the engine died, Kuon tugged at the handle. Yugo’s door slammed the same moment Kuon’s feet touched the ground. It smelled like wet concrete and gas. He instantly recognized the underground parking lot. Iron fingers seized his elbow, demanding he follow. He didn’t argue. The elevator chimed, doors opened, and they went inside.
“You can enjoy your freedom for the rest of your life.” Yugo’s quiet voice doubled Kuon’s pulse. “You can be alone all you want. I won’t force you into anything, but if you fuck someone, that person dies.”
“You are ridiculous!” Kuon huffed. “You aren’t serious, are you?”
“Reject the corneas again, and you lose your freedom. Is that clear?”
“Fuck you, Yugo,” Kuon grounded out. “Why don’t you go to hell? I never want to see you again.”
“Well, that’s not a problem for a while, is it? You’re doing great achieving it.”
Kuon’s teeth ground together when he didn’t find anything to say.
“Don’t forget what I said. I’ll be back.” The doors opened, and Yugo pushed Kuon out of the elevator. “I believe you can manage from here.”
Kuon heard the button being pressed and the doors slid closed.
CHAPTER 12
YUGO STARTED VISITING MORE OFTEN.He brought music and audio described movies. He didn’t ask questions anymore, but Kuon felt the heavy silence floating between them concealed by small talk.
Rick rarely stayed home. Leaving early in the morning, he returned late at night, reeking of sweat and dust. Sometimes Kuon thought that he also smelled blood and gunpowder, but he chased that thought away, writing it off to his imagination. After all, why would a construction site smell of gun powder, unless they were doing demolitions? Rick never said anything about it. Their time together shrunk to early breakfasts and late-night snacks, accompanied by brief talks. Many times, Kuon wanted to tell Rick about Kristina, but explaining was harder than keeping silence. Feeling guilty for not giving Rick a reply, he feared that Rick might misunderstand his relationship with Kristina.
Kristina’s visits grew more frequent too. She talked a lot, to the point where Kuon didn’t have to engage in her monologues about life, Nelly, movies, and books. She never let a pause hang, so whenever she was around time flew by. Growing familiar, Kuon started going outside with her, and then they’d spend hours in a park, enjoying the sun and fresh air. It felt easy. Natural.
“Nelly will be discharged tomorrow. I’d love to introduce you two,” Kristina said, as she led Kuon back to the apartment building.
“Sure.” Kuon smiled. Kristina talked about Nelly so often that it felt as if he’d known the girl for ages, even though he’d never heard her voice or seen her face.
She halted and spun. The atmosphere around her shifted, became strained, uneasy, vulnerable. The floral smell grew stronger as hot, intermittent breathing touched Kuon’s mouth. Thin fingers slid up his neck, and her lips pressed to his.
Kuon froze, unable to move. Every nerve tightened in attention, listening for the familiar, yet fresh sensation. The warmth, softness, and compliance of the female body rang with submission, soaring his pride. Her frail form lined perfectly against his, and at this moment he thought,this is what the stability of family life feels like. But as soon as the thought occurred, gray, cold eyes bled through the darkness. Peering through his soul, they stopped his heart and demanded he push the woman away. His chest constricted, and Kuon pulled back, terminating the kiss.
