Page 23 of Obsession of the Egoist
“KUON,” RICK CALLED,after hearing his distressed groans, and turned the lights on. Rushing to the bed, he put his knee onto the mattress to scrutinize the distorted, pained features. The bandage was loosened and soaked in sweat, but it didn’t fall off Kuon’s eyes. “Wake up. It’s just a dream.”
Kuon’s head rolled to the side as another painful moan broke from his pale lips. Brushing the wet hair away from Kuon’s forehead, Rick rubbed his cheek.
“Come on, wake up.”
“No!” Kuon shouted, jerking upright. Clashing his teeth in the air, he slapped his hands to his face, fumbling about his bandaged eyes. “I can’t see.”
“It’s okay,” Rick said, trying to keep his voice as calm as possible and not let the pain seep into his words. Seizing Kuon’s forearms, he tore his hands off the bandage. “Don’t rub your eyes, okay? It was just a nightmare. You’re safe.”
“No…” Rivers of sweat cascaded down Kuon’s muscular torso. Reaching his trunks, they repainted the waistband into a darker shade of blue. Taking several deep breaths, Kuon pulled his hands out of Rick’s grasp and wiped his sweaty forehead. His pulse, beating in the thick vein on his throat, slowed down, as he found the edge of the bed and placed his feet against the floor.
“I’m sorry, I woke you up,” Kuon croaked and cleared his throat. Shaking his head, he rubbed his temple with the heel of his palm. Rick had learned this ‘tell’ of Kuon’s confusion and embarrassment long ago. Covering his face with his palms, Kuon pushed another deep breath out and hunched forward.
Not sure what to do, Rick sat by his side, wrapped his arm around Kuon’s waist, and tugged him closer until Kuon’s forehead bumped against his shoulder.
“You don’t have to go through this alone. Seven months aren’t nearly enough to get used to constant darkness. Rely on me, talk to me. I’m here.” Pulse spiking, Rick froze. When Kuon said nothing, he continued, “I will always be by your side. I can protect you; I can make you happy. Please, let me.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, Rick’s blood chilled in his veins. The sudden fear of rejection kicked him in his guts, and he glued his gaze to the wall, scared to see the painful twist of Kuon’s mouth.
“Don’t look down on me because I can’t see. I still can kick your ass! I am not weak. I don’t need your protection or pity.” A hot, wet palm bumped against his chest as Kuon pushed back. Biting his bottom lip and clenching his fists, Kuon got up. “I need to wash my face.”
Turning left, then right, Kuon froze, dropped his chin and his shoulders. Defiance trembling in his voice, when he mumbled, “I can’t navigate well enough yet. I need your help. Please…”
Rick sighed. It’d been almost two years since he’d met Kuon. During this time, he’d made many wrong assumptions, many mistakes, but he’d learned how to handle Kuon’s pride. When Kuon needed space, he stepped back and didn’t pressure; when Kuon needed time, Rick tried to be as invisible as possible, leaving the younger man on his own. He understood that robbed of his vision, Kuon would have felt vulnerable as never before. Every time Kuon had to ask for assistance with simple tasks, distress bled through his features.
A few times, Rick watched Kuon struggle with food and tea preparation. He never interrupted. Standing by the wall, he’d never indicated his presence even though he knew it would inevitably result in a disaster and mental breakdown. Still, the fear of wounding Kuon’s pride made Rick leave him alone to fight his way out of his emotional anguish. If Kuon knew how many times Rick witnessed his weakness, he would never stay by his side, would never again ask for his help. Rick knew it and therefore kept his mouth shut, allowing Kuon to pretend to be strong and save the remains of his pride.
Standing up, Rick clasped his fingers around Kuon’s forearm. Leading the younger man out of the bedroom, where the only furniture was the bed and closet, he turned right and entered the gray-tiled bathroom. Bringing Kuon to the vanity sink, he placed his palm over the edge.
“Do you want me to stay?” he carefully asked, cautious that his obtrusiveness would make Kuon angry. Especially sensitive and emotional at night, when nightmares took over, Kuon was often sharp and rude with his responses.
“No, I want to be alone,” Kuon said, then cleared his throat, rubbing his temple with the heel of his palm. “Thank you.”
AS SOON AS THE SOFT CLICKof a closing door reached his ears, Kuon let a breath out. Keeping his temper in check had never been so hard. Every time he failed to do something simple, a suffocating wave of bile rushed up to his throat. Ugly feelings boiled in his chest. He hated letting them out on Rick, but controlling them became harder and harder every day.
This is a bad idea… Living with Rick is a bad idea.His whole essence screamed it.I’ll only hurt him. I can never return his feelings. This is low, unfair, dishonest.
Rick’s guilt was the worst. The heavy, palpable, asphyxiating guilt that hung in the air every time Kuon undid his bandages. He didn’t have to wear them anymore, but he couldn’t stand the shift in the air every time he removed them.
Kuon’s thoughts strayed as he leaned against the cold, tiled wall. He brought his hand to the place where the icy touch of the ghostly hand still lingered on his cheek from last morning. The sweet scent of vanilla and tobacco mixed with the woody fragrance of the spicy cologne was still vivid in his memory.
“I’m going crazy,” he whispered. Sliding down to the floor, he tugged his knees to his chest. “I’m fucking hallucinating…”
CHAPTER 6
“KUON, LET’S GET A PUPPY!”Rick could barely contain his excitement as he led Kuon to the bench.
“Isn’t it enough that you have to deal with me?” Kuon laughed, showing a row of white teeth, and Rick’s heart stopped beating for a second. Kuon barely ever laughed; even his smiles were thin-lipped and strained. Rick tilted his head, drinking in the moment. Now, absorbing the freshness of the spring, Kuon resembled a big dog unleashed after a long imprisonment. His chest rose and fell in deep breaths as his nostrils greedily chased after the flowery fragrance of blooming April.
A riot of colors turned the landscape of the city park into a surreal picture of a fairytale, and Rick’s heart soared with guilt. He would have given anything for Kuon to see this rich-green grass and clear blue sky. The sun, so bright that Rick’s eyes hurt from looking at the light parts of the discolored gravel covering the park paths. Birds chirped trying to compete with the piercing screams of children, as the whispering wind played with rich foliage and Kuon’s dark brown hair.
“We could walk him together. When I’m not home, the puppy would keep you company. We could train him to bring things.” Rick dreamed aloud. “Just imagine what you could do with a service dog.”
He bit his tongue before he managed to stop himself, but Kuon didn’t seem to notice his remark. Throwing his head back, he offered his bandaged face to the midday sultry sunrays. A lazy headshake gave the impression that this unsophisticated move drained him of all strength.
Rick chuckled, relaxing. His gaze slipped over the grass, jumping from one tree to another until it stumbled over a distant figure of a man. With every nerve coming to attention, Rick got up. The tension seized his shoulders as he remembered that he’d seen this man in the park before. He always watched Kuon. Just like now. A thought that Gray had sent him to watch over Kuon melted as his focus sharpened. No bodyguard would look at a client with such a weird expression.
“Kuon, are you thirsty? Or maybe you want an ice cream?” he asked, adding a fair amount of cheerfulness into his voice.
