Page 54 of Love of the Egoist
Kuon pressed his eyelids tight, shutting himself off from the outside world.
He wasn’t delusional about Yugo’s feelings. He didn’t think the man loved him, nevertheless, he had harbored the hope that Yugo felt something toward him. He was wrong.
“Do you ask all your things what they are thinking and what are their dreams about?”
“Are you angry?” Yugo chuckled, and scanned the gym for an ashtray; not finding one he shook ash back in the cigarettes pack.
“Athingcan’t get mad. It doesn’t have feelings.” Kuon replied in an emotionless voice.
“Is it always so hard with you? Why can’t you just listen and do what I tell you to do?” Yugo railed. His hand crumpled the cigarette pack and aggression spread through his body inperceptible vibrations, poisoning his facial expression.
“What?” Kuon snapped, bolting upright and peered in Yugo’s eyes. The words resounded in his head, inflaming his blood with rage. “Why can’t you see that you are surrounded by human beings and care even a little about their feelings?”
Yugo reached out to Kuon’s cheek, but the man recoiled, shuffling further away on the rubber floor. Sitting on his ass, Kuon faced the window, his arms folded over his chest.
A half-naked birch stood right behind the opening, colored with the last orange rays of the diminishing sun. The strong wind bent its trunk and branches, shredding off the remains of the dead, colorless foliage. Kuon felt no stronger than that tree, the same powerless, the same vulnerable against Yugo’s advances. He couldn’t refuse, couldn’t fight back and mostly, couldn’t even demand his own privacy without consequences. Yugo’s kindness was superficial, and the man easily shook it off any time things went any other way than his.
A bitter taste filled Kuon’s mouth, and he swallowed in an attempt to get rid of all of it at once, the bitter taste and his distressing emotions.
“Okay, don’t get mad.” A shy smile touched Yugo’s lips, he never lowered his extended hand. “If you want to come here—I’ll allow it. But on one condition.”
“What condition?” Kuon spun; his heart, full of alarm and distrust, slammed against his ribcage. He pierced Yugo with a cautious glare, half twisting his body, but the hope in his heart touched his face, softening the features.
“You will come here only with me.”
“How can you be such a tyrant?” Kuon asked, shaking his head in amazement, but he got on his knees and put his hand in Yugo’s, closing the deal with a handshake. The warmth of the man’s hand crawled up his arteries, sending soft prickles to his fingertips.
??E??
DAY AFTER DAY PASSED BEHIND THE WINDOW. Some full of fights and bruises, some quiet and calm, but most of them were sodden with the musky scent of sex.
That morning stretched forever. Business took Yugo away from the house, and Kuon grew bored without his company—the only entertainment he was allowed. Bouncing off the walls, he rummaged the cupboard, then opened the curtains, letting daylight in.
His stomach dropped and he stepped back. Blood drained from his face leaving behind a stinging feeling of dread. His skin prickled, he shivered and shook his head.
“Noooo…” Invisible sand filled his eyes and throat and he had to blink several times to ease the burning.
Behind the bars, where freedom still existed, a thick white blanket camouflaged everything. Diamond dust of fresh snow covered the ground, sparkling in the morning sun. Fluffy snowflakes danced in the air, playing with the wind. The simple change of seasons shook up his lethargic feelings.
“Winter…” his numbed lips whispered.
How long have I been here? I’ve been so comfortable that I’ve forgotten about everything. I don’t even try to get out anymore. I stopped thinking about it. He took my freedom and I lick his hands for it… I have no right to call myself a police officer. I have no right to be called a man.Kuon swallowed the salty taste in his mouth and bit his lip to suppress the quivering.Is it only because he is good in bed? Because he is a little kind to me? Because he holds me when I have nightmares? It only takes him calling my name and I’m running toward him, wagging my tail, hoping for something that isn’t even there, like an idiot…
Kuon squatted down, covering his head with his hands. Evil tears welled up in his eyes smudging everything around.
I have to get out of here…he thought, scanning the blurry room. A pang shoot through his chest as his lungs refused to let air in. He suddenly became aware of his heart contractions—hard, fast, irregular. The pressure in his guts increased as if an invisible force crushed his insides.
“Hey, what’s up? It’s time for me to kick your ass,” Yugo’s cocky voice punched him out of his panic. Kuon spun, never hearing the door opened; his heart pounding in his ears. He swallowed, licked his lips and his vision cleared.
Yugo approached; his shoulders relaxed, and a frisky smile played on his lips. He seemed to be aching for a good sparring.
The mix of sorrow and pain chewed on Kuon’s guts, wrenching his insides. Kuon shot the man a meaningful glance, but judging by the confusion written across his handsome face, Yugo didn’t get his mood change, and Kuon knew why. Yugo hadn’t done anything wrong lately. More than that, he was gentle and treated him well.
Kuon got up, inhaled and without a word, went to the gym.
??E??
THE SPARRING TURNED INTO A DISASTER. Kuon couldn’t concentrate. He missed too many blows, thereby gaining Yugo’s undisguised annoyance. It had been no surprise that red marks covered Kuon’s body, promising to turn to black and blue bruises by the end of the second hour. Wallowing in self-pity, he didn’t pay attention to Yugo’s movements, falling out of this world from time to time and getting back only with the help of Yugo’s fists.
